Moving on with things

warby68

@alt80 Thank you for being open minded. I did debate 'softening' the message but I think you know by now I mean well not harm, for all 3 of you. We are all work-in-progress you know.

daisy_1571

Alt you are no different from the vast majority of us.  Life is a balancing juggling act.  Young we usually have health and stamina to go off on adventures but no money.  Older we often have more money but also more responsibilities tying us to staying in jobs we hate and beginning to have less health and stamina.  Paying off debt means less money for pensions, holidays, fun.  Spending money on the great memories means spending longer paying off mortgages so paying more in the long run and less time for pensions to build.

Its all choices and juggling and I doubt you could talk to anyone of any age who looks back and doesn't now think I wish I'd done x, y, z instead.   Trouble is, thats with hindsight.   You can't go back.  And likely if you did, you'd do the same again cos you wouldn't have your newer life experience to make a different decision.  At any point in time we make the best decision we can at the time with the information we have.  Try to make your peace with that as poring over spreadsheets changing figures will only drive you quietly mad.  Believe me, I understand. You can't go back.

And your idea that if you hadn't had access to such money meant you wouldn't have been able to have your bad habit take hold is slightly silly.  If that was the case no one would be stealing and mugging others to get enough for their next hit, they would be checking their accounts and saying can't afford it just now.  If it wasn't addictive people would try it and stop.  In your case you didn't end up in a really bad situation but you know folks will spend money on that rather than food and clothes for themselves or their kids so you came out of it better than many.  

Lastly you are acknowledging that if you weren't here she would have made different choices.   So stop tying yourself in knots.   Pay down the mortgage and she will have choices.  You can't take away the "forced to sell", lots of people are forced to sell for a variety of reasons.  Including good life choices.

If you insist on thinking about once you are gone - she will do better if she understands money can only be spent once.  Definitely set her up with a proper 'wage' 'allowance' whatever you want to call it then she can buy her own stuff and stop all this 'I have to buy her' so it appears to her that there is an endless source of money.  Use the time you have to explore these kind of things rather than you just buying things for her like you are her dad. 

Sorry to be harsh but come on, give yourself a shake, you're doing fine, a few tweaks and you will have the perfect life together.  

Daisy xx

alt80

@warby68 I’m not easily offended lol. Tbf all !!!!!! semblance of logic leaves me so far as my wife is concerned on one hand I want to know she will be ok and on the other I’m convinced that she’ll tell me she’s had enough dealing with me. Completely !!!!!! paranoid and have been for a long time. 

@daisy_1571 yeah I spend too much time going over what could have been still. The pros say I need to do more than just spend the money on them, won’t get anywhere without confronting it. I know they are right tbf. I get to the point that I know I should stop it but can’t !!!!!! help myself. Idk, I was better when I was looking forward to Lapland and Christmas ha. After Boxing Day I just needed to get away kind of realise I pretty much !!!!!! up the Christmas break going to the office when I didn’t need to. Gets to the point I can’t face going home like now ha. All we got from it as a company was some slightly nicer looking reports that tbf our clients couldn’t give a !!!!!! about idk.

katsu

Dear dear @alt80. Your wife totally needs you financially. If she left you she'd have to get a job and no matter what money she was awarded in a divorce, it wouldn't be enough for her to get the stuff she has, have a nice house, your son in private school etc etc etc

Also... crazily here... you don't have to buy your wife. Sometimes she says/does strange things like talking about how she could imagine being married to a local and living in Dubai. But, as she was told by the people you were with, such ideas are unrealistic. 

Despite what she said years ago, she's not staying with you for the money. You don't have to buy her and aren't only keeping her through money. 

You and your wife are both flawed. That's OK. I'm not sure I have met a perfect person yet. 

If you know that loving your son doesn't mean that you should give him or attempt to give him everything he might want or need, why would it be different for your wife? 

I hope some of this is useful. No need to reply unless that helps you. 

You are enough and you are a decent guy who deserves to be loved and appreciated for who he is. Your worth is not = your wallet. 

RelievedSheff

Keep working with the pro's Alt. It's hard work but it will all be worth it in the end. You have come so far and done so well but there is still a long way to go.

alt80

Had absolutely no sleep last night, hardly functioned today and I know I need to sort my head out, plan the year ahead with my wife and deal with the personal finances. I’m dreading what should be a really nice place to be - seeing some surplus personal monies. Really !!!!!! worked at things to get to this point and so has my wife too. I have promised my wife I’m going to take her out for lunch tomorrow and have the rest of the day off work. Need to have a better weekend and a better start to the year.

I !!!!!! lost it between Christmas and New Year when my wife decided she wanted to go out New Year’s Eve with the 26 year old lad she’s doing her bike test with, his girlfriend and their mates. I know there is nothing going on, we were both invited and she wanted us to go together but it sent me over the edge tbf I know my reaction is what’s not right. 

@katsu that is basically where the pros want me to get to, having some degree of self worth that is not related to getting to a point financially that once I get there the goal posts move. I just don’t believe in myself and can’t complete the tasks that they have been trying to get me to engage with for years now. 

@RelievedSheff I really can’t turn back, I admitted to the pros and my wife today that I’m terrified I’m going to fully !!!!!! up if I can’t sort out my sleep and how I feel about myself. 

warby68

We worried about this 'cliff edge' for you a while back, or at least I did @alt80 . The sudden switch from every penny accounted for to a couple of k up for grabs and the disruptive effect it might have. It looks like you're having it and then some with some of the behaviours of old towards and by your wife recurring too.

Is it possible to have some kind of intense reset with the professionals. A rehab top-up if you will. I don't know what's out there in that regard. Or your wife step up the close care she did before which seemed to steady you a lot?

I'll be honest I'm worried about you.

katsu

We believe in you @alt80.  A group of strangers in the internet come back to your thread time and time again because we have watched you grow. 

You are one of us. A decent guy learning from his mistakes. 

Maybe talk to the pros about how you can get support to engage with these talks or what alternative ways you can approach these blocks? 

Whatever you are struggling to face can't be worse than these feelings? 

I'm sorry you are finding this a tough time but I know you can do it. 

You and Mrs Alt will get through this. It's the situation to help you with these tasks you've shied away from. You've got the strength to do it Alt.

katsu

Enjoy the lunch with your wife. You both deserve it and I'm sure we are all interested in the plans you and she decide on. 

maggiem

katsu said:

We believe in you @alt80.  A group of strangers in the internet come back to your thread time and time again because we have watched you grow. 

You are one of us. A decent guy learning from his mistakes. 

Maybe talk to the pros about how you can get support to engage with these talks or what alternative ways you can approach these blocks? 

Absolutely. It’s sad to read how you are so reluctant to give credit to yourself for the huge achievements so far. I’m hoping you are getting ready to go or at lunch and some of the ‘noise’ in your head is quietening.