Moving on with things

stymied

Please try to embrace the holidays. Experiences together is what the money is for, not jewellery to sit in a box or money to pass on once you're dead. Money in and of itself has no value - that's just pieces of paper or numbers on a computer, it's what you can do with it that does.

alt80

@Scott_Weiland79 she’s 36. Owning and running a small business myself, I do like to support smaller businesses where possible. We have a great jeweller in the city centre that makes hand forged jewellery, you can choose the diamonds / gem stones. Really decent quality place I've bought pieces from for her before. Tbf to my wife we both have a few Cartier pieces but I do accept that there is a massive mark up for it. I accept she shouldn't have settled for me, it !!!!!! kills me that I just can't give her everything she wants. 

@ladyholly ikwyacf, you're preaching to the converted lol. I hope I will enjoy my holiday once I get there, had the dread before and it being fine once I'm there and past the first day or two. I've been really struggling lately when I'm not keeping my mind occupied though. My parents aren't getting any younger, neither is my boy; some day's you'd think he's a teenager already idk.

@foxgloves she doesn't hate the idea, bet you can guess who I've suggested ha. She would just rather have the Cartier as it's been on her list for a few months and showing as limited availability so she's got fomo. 

@strawb_shortcake she stopped seeing the pros quite a long time ago, it was not really related to spending and she isn't particularly keen on therapy. Think she's seen it change me from confident / outgoing into this ha so I can't blame her really.

I don't want to ever carry a balance on a credit card again 0% or otherwise. I get why plenty would say use the 0% to your advantage but I just don't want any of it anymore. The 2 cards we're keeping will have the direct debit changed to pay the whole balance each month. My wife knows this. She makes me anxious sometimes when she says we could just use the 0% deals which is only something she heard from me.

I wish I didn't have to hold her back, she deserves the world. I owe it to her really, it's !!!!!! awful to realise you aren't good enough for those you love but it is what it is.

@stymied all I really care about these days is that my wife and son are better off when I'm gone. Spending money on holidays, they don't benefit from that, it's just a bit of fleeting pleasure.

dawnybabes

They do benefit from the holidays, they are one of the few things I do remember every year as a child the holidays.  I’ve no idea what I got for Xmas but I remember all the traditions. 

You are good enough for your family ! Your wife has toddler tendencies here, I want does not get ! 

Scott_Weiland79

alt80 said:

@Scott_Weiland79 she’s 36. Owning and running a small business myself, I do like to support smaller businesses where possible. We have a great jeweller in the city centre that makes hand forged jewellery, you can choose the diamonds / gem stones. Really decent quality place I've bought pieces from for her before. Tbf to my wife we both have a few Cartier pieces but I do accept that there is a massive mark up for it. I accept she shouldn't have settled for me, it !!!!!! kills me that I just can't give her everything she wants. 

@ladyholly ikwyacf, you're preaching to the converted lol. I hope I will enjoy my holiday once I get there, had the dread before and it being fine once I'm there and past the first day or two. I've been really struggling lately when I'm not keeping my mind occupied though. My parents aren't getting any younger, neither is my boy; some day's you'd think he's a teenager already idk.

@foxgloves she doesn't hate the idea, bet you can guess who I've suggested ha. She would just rather have the Cartier as it's been on her list for a few months and showing as limited availability so she's got fomo. 

@strawb_shortcake she stopped seeing the pros quite a long time ago, it was not really related to spending and she isn't particularly keen on therapy. Think she's seen it change me from confident / outgoing into this ha so I can't blame her really.

I don't want to ever carry a balance on a credit card again 0% or otherwise. I get why plenty would say use the 0% to your advantage but I just don't want any of it anymore. The 2 cards we're keeping will have the direct debit changed to pay the whole balance each month. My wife knows this. She makes me anxious sometimes when she says we could just use the 0% deals which is only something she heard from me.

I wish I didn't have to hold her back, she deserves the world. I owe it to her really, it's !!!!!! awful to realise you aren't good enough for those you love but it is what it is.

@stymied all I really care about these days is that my wife and son are better off when I'm gone. Spending money on holidays, they don't benefit from that, it's just a bit of fleeting pleasure.

Does she see what the financial situation is doing to you mate? Thats my worry, I worry you get free of debts and she will want the bling life style again and too make her happy you will give it to her. I dont want you being back here no offence meant but in 2-3 years in the position your in now. What everyone is saying and they are right money doesnt but you happiness and trying to buy her happiness is a bad idea. 

Can I give you an example me my partner in the last 2 and a bit years have had a few holidays do you know out of all these which were the best? All were paid 50/50 me pulling in extra weekend shifts at work as my o/h earns alot more than me/and we usually go abroad early if she has a work conference. She will stay for the conference and I fly back on me todd.

September 2022    Portugal  (work)      4 nights cost    1500 ish     package deal 5 star hotel

October 2022         Italy   (work)            4 nights cost    1500 ish     package deal 5 star hotel

December 2022     Latvia                      4 nights cost    600            4 star hotel with spa and flights and hotel bought                                                                                                                 separate

May    2023            Kos                         10 nights         2600           5 star hotel package

April    2024           New York  (work)     3 nights          1900            3star hotel/flights/trains to heathrow/hotel heathrow

May    2024           Athens 2024 (work)   3nights           800             air bnb/flights


Latvia was best ones not because we stayed in Boujee hotels or dressed up in fancy gear but because we made the experience the best one. We went just before Christmas, when we landed in Latvia it was romantic as there was loads of snow and everywhere was minus 5/minus 10, we did loads of walking tours, drank black balsam, went to restaurants, ate street food in there market that was amazing, we relaxed and we didnt care less about the weather and we immersed in the culture. 

Athens came second.

New York we hated overpriced/rude people/place stunk like an Amsterdam cafe etc etc

Sarahwithlove

It really saddens me that you keep saying you aren't good enough for your wife because she can't have everything she wants straight away. If she wants it could she sell some other items? After all you can only wear so many pieces of jewellery at once. She has a massive sense of entitlement and its impacting your mental health. A person's worth is more than how much money they owe. I think you really need to have another counselling session together to help you navigate this issue. I feel like it's going to be a reoccurring issue. 

ladyholly

alt80  "I accept she shouldn't have settled for me, it !!!!!! kills me that I just can't give her everything she wants. "

Is there anybody that could give her everything she wants other than an Elon Musk or similar. She is not a child although I suspect that her parents have treated her as a princess and you have said you do too. She is not a princess she is a stay at home mum of one who has a husband who loves her and works very hard to provide for his family. For you to feel guilty because you cant provide everything she want is very sad for you. As others have said counselling for both of you together where you can tell her honestly how her demands make you feel and for her to express why she feels the need to have a billionaire lifestyle.  Is she still watching influencers on the internet?

stymied

Who is this mythical person who would have provided better for her? If she was a footballer’s wife she would have to have either worked to maximise the short earning period e.g. by promoting her own brands - she doesn’t want to work, or moved away from home to support her husband - she doesn’t want to do that. And that’s assuming they didn’t get injured before they became famous.

Likewise she’s proved to you time and again that she values memories made together the most. She doesn’t want a pot of money when she’s old and grey and your son has long moved out to live his own life.

alt80

I’m just not doing very well rn, haven’t been for a little while; things are just getting worse lately. It’s just !!!!!! awful to not be able to get to the other side and move forward. I do get it is no way to live life, definitely not an example I would like my son to follow. 

Unfortunately I can’t find the solution despite having had a lot of help and I haven’t been able to find a way that I want to live for myself which ultimately you have to - it’s a big thing for the pros doing it for yourself rather than for someone else. 

Thinking about going to see my parents is !!!!!! hard, this time last year my wife and I renewed our wedding vows there and I was in a lot better place, thought I was working towards conquering the demons, looking forward to stopping obsessing about the business and making money, spending more time with family and still had moving here to look forward to. Idk all been !!!!!! downhill from there, I’m still clean but that’s more to do with the barriers I put in place rather than anything else. Can’t stop thinking about money, !!!!!! up, and basically just trying to not spend, like there’s no life left. Son is growing up fast, I’ve let my wife down and no !!!!!! chance to trade up my house. 

satchmo1

Alt, I keep thinking that no matter what "things" you are able to give your wife, they won't fill whatever need is unfilled.

I wonder, is she socialising atm? Either with you or with her own friends? Perhaps that's the unfilled need? I might be projecting, though, as that's an unfilled area of my life just now.

You seem to be spiralling again. Please speak to your professionals. A joint session or three might help, too. 

Bargainhunter30

Have you considered medication Alt? The only thing that stops my downward spirals and constant overthinking is medication. I obsess over my career, it seems like you obsess over spending money and money spent. Maybe speak to your GP or your pros if they are able to offer something different if your current treatment is not working.