Moving on with things

in_need_of_direction

Giving yourself a birthday present is one of the few things I’ve observed that is about doing something for you.  Please act on this. Frankly I don’t think it matters much either way when the card is cleared but putting a value on your wishes is priceless and a major step forward. Do it

Iamouttheotherside

Morning Alt.

I have had a quick skim over the recent pages, which seems to sum that you are not looking forward to the holiday, still paranoid about spending and still think you don't deserve your wife!

My points...
Every year when the weather turns and the nights draw in, it really affects you, as it does many people it's miserable, it's depressing.  I can guarantee you that the holiday in the sun will do you a world of good, so what about the spending, go and enjoy it you earn the money, just learn to enjoy it.  You need this, you need the better weather and quality time with loved ones.

As for the spending - give it time, don't rush into big purchases until you feel ready, for the record I have a Cartier I bought it about 5 years of being debt free, it has more than doubled in value, but I wear it every day, I want to enjoy it not lock it up in a box, it's very rare that people recognise it - its a limited edition and when they do I actually get embarrassed to most people it's just a watch, but don't buy it until it feels right otherwise every time you look at it, it will trigger negative emotions, explain that to your wife.

As for you (constantly) saying STILL you don't deserve your wife, I have told you before if she didn't want you, she would leave you, take half of everything and then screw you over for maintenance for her and your son.  She hasn't she has stayed, remember that.

Good to see you clean too - excellent news.

I think you just need to accept that you are not a miserable weather/winter person and make adjustments in your life for that.  As soon as March comes and you can get out in your garden your mood improves.

On another note - lighthearted -  I have just had the "pleasure" of being a guarantor to my eldest students house for next year, near your neck of the woods.  I couldn't believe how cheap the houses were and the service they received from the agent, it was the student agent with letters and a number in the title, I was super impressed.  The house would have rented for around 7-8k a month around our area, where it was less than half that including bills!  My eldest cannot get over the difference in cost of living.  

Stay on the path, they may be a few curves, but it will straighten out in the end I promise.

alt80

Shouldn't really be awake at this time but oh well. We got here and are on the move again tomorrow to take my parents on holiday. Son is a real !!!!!! idiot asking my mum and dad if they have ever been abroad before fml those school fees are wasted on this one, ha. Tbf I was dreading leaving home but it's been really nice so far, idk I wasn't in the best head space.

@in_need_of_direction I just want to be free of it and able to draw a line under the credit cards, all being well for good in terms of carrying long term balances and the juggling money around. 

@Iamouttheotherside It's good to hear from you and I hope you are well.
Thank you, one thing I'm proud of is keeping off the stuff. Everyone says it has to be for yourself but I've managed to stay away so far for my family. 

I'm not the one who wants to spend money. I get my wife needs to have a level of lifestyle, it !!!!!! breaks me that I cannot give her what she deserves. 

Whilst I see your point about if she didn't want to be with me, she would divorce me tbf I think she's probably hung around out of pity. I don't really want that for her as I just want the best for her and for my boy. Idk no solutions I can't spend like a madman any longer and need her, I'm a !!!!!! wreck.

He'll have a great time as a student up here, I certainly did. Lots of good memories. Some of the student houses are still quite ropey but the better ones are far better than anything we had when we were students. I know the agent, ha.

Not that you're guaranteed he'll listen but tell him to keep his stuff safe and use a bit of common sense, elsewhere has similar issues but there are more and more desperate homeless people hanging around the city. They wonder into residential areas and will / do break into cars / houses, we see reports of it in our residents association group on a very regular basis.

I'm now !!!!!! dreading returning to the UK especially as the clocks will have gone back by the time we're back, I can't win and need to try to get a bit of sleep ha.

katsu

 @alt80. When we are all young we say (and think) some dumb stuff. 

Your wife is a good person for driving you around and supporting you in getting clean and debt free. You and she have a son you both love. 

She's not however some kind of saint or some person who deserves absolutely everything and might ever want.  Many of the footballers can't deliver the fantasy either. 

No one can have everything they want. That's some kind of crazy lifestyle. I don't think anyone who gets every thing they want all the time is truly living their best life or being a great person.

What your wife needs most is a home that is clean, warm, dry and safe. A place she feels safe and feels at home. A relationship where she knows she is loved and appreciated, a partner who respects her, listens to her,  doesn't treat her badly. She deserves a life where she's not afraid, there's no violence or coercive behaviour. Your son needs to feel safe and happy and to be able to grow into a good member of society. 

There's a base level of finances needed for that, but those things are more precious than any cartier or fancy what ever.

When I was a child there was a man who owned a small local business. He seemed nice and his wife did too.  Many years later I found out the varnish was damaged on the surface of her dressing table where she sat and and cried so often because he hurt her physically.  As an adult I think she might have given up a lot of the things they had materially, which made their family so much richer than ours, to have that sense of peace and love.  I thought they had a lovely life, but it turns out they had the appearance of one, not the reality. 

Don't mistake yourself for the unworthy sinner and your wife for the saint.   

All 3 of you are flawed and beautiful humans.  I'm sure that if you keep working at the therapy etc, you can come to understand that you are worthy.  Not of being a Prince, any more than your wife deserves to be a princess. But of being a decent and happy person in the present.

Have you ever seen the movie "the help"?   One of the maids has a mantra that she keeps saying to a child she cares for, and that the child chants back "you is perfect... you is smart...".  Maybe you need a daily mantra that you are a decent person, that your past is forgiven and that you are good enough?

And the holiday stuff...  the memories are more precious than gold for your parents, your son and your wife. 

Your wife prefers those holidays with a sober you and all the family to an off your face you and some fancy bling.

You'll make it. We see the good in you and so does your son and your sometimes a bit daft but also loving wife.

Keep on keeping on. We are all behind you! 

katsu

I hope those comments from your wife's family come from when you were taking drugs.  As I'm with everyone else here who can't see where this mythical and magical fantasy life would come from. 

I'm sorry if they have suggested that they think this about her life with you in recovery and if so, they should feel deep shame.  Not you. 

alt80

Having a great time and actually managed to just forget about everything for a couple of days. Back soon so have been doing a bit of catch up on the business this evening. 

Spending there or thereabouts as anticipated. Idk it would be nice to come back and be in the position I'm in rn in terms of my health etc. I haven't seen any sort of future for myself other than getting financially straight and setting my wife and son up for when I'm gone. !!!!!! tragic really.

@katsu ha that's true, plenty of other ridiculous things said between my boy and my wife this week, they make me laugh but both of them are daft.

Idk I just want the best for her as I haven't been the best for her in years gone by and now struggle with my mental health so am still not the best for her, just for different reasons.

My wife's family convinced themselves that I had relapsed when I didn't go to the football with them a few weeks back. I was in a really bad place with my mental health but I hadn't relapsed. Nothing my wife or I can say can convince them otherwise.

FootyFanDan

Glad to hear that you are enjoying the holiday, sounds like the time away (even if you convinced yourself otherwise lol) is exactly what was needed. I can relate a little to the letting the reigns a bit looser as the debt free journey end is in sight. I am currently torn between spending and getting the debt paid off, ultimately it's that balance. I want to be able to see my daughter have experiences and enjoy time as a family, if that delays debt freedom then so be it. The last few months we have had some family illnesses and really life is far too short. I am comfortable with the debt pay off plan, and it allows a little more freedom to spend on what we enjoy. I hope that you can somehow find a comfortable balance that allows your own mind to be settled. I am sure that your boy and wife are loving the family time together too, irrespective of what your mind says they are far better off with you around than your boy having to grow up without a dad. (without going into much detail - this is what made me realise I had to get my own head sorted too) 

It has probably been send a thousand times on here mate, but the fact you have battled what you have and come through it is a huge credit to you. You realised the track you were heading down and changed direction. Good on you

mark55man

agree with Dan so won't repeat.  don't fret about the relatives you can't change what they think and shouldn't try to.  just wall it off until the next time, and then smile and nod when you see them (as they say in the military when a senior bod doesn't know what they are doing)

RelievedSheff

Glad you are having a good holiday Alt. You deserve it.

alt80

Back in the UK now. We had a really lovely time. I managed to just be present. I did spend quite a lot and got carried away with starting to plan another trip. My parents are in very good health given their ages and I don’t want to miss that. I dread them running out of that health time, both my sister and I do. In some ways we had a !!!!!! awful upbringing but we both love them to bits.

My boy’s birthday was on Saturday, he’s having a little party this coming weekend. Not sure how he is 11, ha. Idk lot of changes happening for him over this year, going up to the senior school in September. Whilst there is a bit of crossover, they are quite separate and it’ll still be a big change. Tbf the school are good at getting them ready. My wife is already really worried about losing her little boy idk time passes by quickly. Can’t say I think I have been a good enough father to him, some reckon loving them is enough but I don’t think so. He’s already said that he doesn’t want to be sad like me and he associates working hard with being “sad”. I’m !!!!!! terrified for his future. I don’t want to see him struggle equally I don’t think funding his entire future when he is grown up is good for him and I am realistically not going to be able to afford to buy him a house like this, new cars etc. alongside giving my wife a good lifestyle. 

@FootyFanDan thanks mate. I am very much determined to stay on the right path. I have been putting some of the work in recommended by the pros on holiday although I am a lot better when I can be in the present and my mind is not telling me that I am failing my family.

Your little girl will remember the holidays and experiences 100% and needs you around. From what you write on here I am sure you are a brilliant dad, don’t think you have any worries there. 

@mark55man I don’t say much to them, tbf it’s more her siblings/ in-laws than her parents. Her dad is a good man, better dad than I will ever be.

@RelivedSheff I was dreading it for weeks and idk why, we had an amazing time.