Moving on with things

alt80

My wife just likes nice things, and, yes I’d agree social media doesn’t help. Idk I just want her happy and not missing out on things due to my problems and choices. She doesn’t socialise as much as she used to, she has met a few girls on the college course she’s started. They’re all a lot younger so she’s upset they sort of see her as the mum of the group. Not really surprising but she still likes to think of herself as being their age.

I really don’t want to go on holiday, wish I could just send my wife and son but I can’t. Idk these sorts of things should be pleasurable and something that I should look forward to. Wife said I should see it as a reward that doesn’t work for me as I see nothing I should be rewarded for. Still dreading getting free of the card debt but don’t want more of it, just waiting for the inevitable arguments about money being left in the business as I haven’t changed my mind- I really don’t want surplus funds in my personal accounts when it can be invested in the SSAS where I do feel it is safe for my wife’s future. Much more tax efficient too than us having personal funds.

Medication wise I’m only offered SSRIs which are just quite disappointing- don’t really do that much, barely take the edge off so I just don’t see the point. I was taking ashwagandha for a bit but that didn’t live up to the promises either. Idk I might try it again, possibly need a bit more. I need something to liven me up a bit and give me a bit of a boost but the pros disagree a need for it, I’m not going down the path I was on before so I’m just left with the counselling, therapy and alternative options. 

in_need_of_direction

So, I’ve been reading along and now feel I need to confess.  While I’m now mortgage and debt free, I’m self employed and pension provision isn’t great but I recently splurged on a Cartier watch.  Why I needed a third one, I have no idea.  It was a total spur of the moment thing.  Dh had bought me the other two but as he knew this was something I always wanted.  I do get where your wife is coming from.  I felt dreadful confessing to dh what I had done but he pointed out that while it may have been an impulse buy, it was somewhere in a long term plan and there was money available.  I have however decided to cover half the costs by increasing income / reducing costs before I wear it.  I think this has been a good thing as it has given me a kick to get somethings back on track.  Is this approach something you and your wife could consider?

RelievedSheff

alt80 said:

I’m just not doing very well rn, haven’t been for a little while; things are just getting worse lately. It’s just !!!!!! awful to not be able to get to the other side and move forward. I do get it is no way to live life, definitely not an example I would like my son to follow. 

Unfortunately I can’t find the solution despite having had a lot of help and I haven’t been able to find a way that I want to live for myself which ultimately you have to - it’s a big thing for the pros doing it for yourself rather than for someone else. 

Thinking about going to see my parents is !!!!!! hard, this time last year my wife and I renewed our wedding vows there and I was in a lot better place, thought I was working towards conquering the demons, looking forward to stopping obsessing about the business and making money, spending more time with family and still had moving here to look forward to. Idk all been !!!!!! downhill from there, I’m still clean but that’s more to do with the barriers I put in place rather than anything else. Can’t stop thinking about money, !!!!!! up, and basically just trying to not spend, like there’s no life left. Son is growing up fast, I’ve let my wife down and no !!!!!! chance to trade up my house. 

Why would you be thinking of "trading up" your house when you have only just moved there?

I'm sure several people touched on this before you moved, but why the need to up grade?

MFWannabe

I think this is the problem; both OP and wife are always chasing something better than they already have 🤔
there will always be something bigger and better no matter how much you have or get if this is your at of thinking 
Needs a mindset change from both of them otherwise I don’t think they’ll ever be happy with what they have 
Shows money doesn’t buy happiness 😞

alt80

@in_need_of_direction I don’t have a problem with anyone spending. Enjoy your purchase. I would like to be able to give my wife the world, not trying to be deliberately miserable and tight. I do get your point re increasing income / reducing costs; however I am just about managing my business now, I can’t take on more work and not in a position to take on additional staff for a number of reasons so I am just having to plod on with that really. Reducing costs is not really an option either rn. If anything I need to increase contributions to our home mortgage.

@RelievedSheff We don’t need to upgrade. I’ve just seen a few places where we live iro £1.1-1.5M that I like the look of. Wouldn’t see anymore than the £850k we paid for this place and tbf with rates as they are I feel I have a fairly hefty mortgage as it is. Part of me wishes I didn’t care about it and just not bother. 

@MFWannabe I don’t think you’re wrong, 100% there’s always the next level, I’m just so !!!!!! whacked with it all. 

in_need_of_direction

alt, i wasnt suggesting that you reduced costs or upped income - i'm sure your wife has lots of "stuff" she no longer uses.

alt80

I've been battling with my own head tonight whether to send off the card balance payment early or to wait until we are back from holiday. Wife wanted me to do the latter so we've a little more room for spending. Decided to just leave it until we get back although I'm starting to get very anxious I won't meet my target date (end of next month) and what is going to be spent on the holiday. I can't relax about this at all even though tbf my personal finances are better than they have ever been. 

@in_need_of_direction she reckons she doesn't want to sell anything rn. We did have a big sell off leading up to moving last year. 

Working_Mum

I've been reading your updates with interest Alt. It seems to me that your mind and body are now catching up after  years of living inauthentically and it is tough space to be in. Your body and mind has had years of narcotic abuse and it will take time for them to readjust to how you are now choosing to live your life - all of the decisions you've made to this point have come from totally the right place for you and your family. I am super impressed with your continuing tenacity and determination to stay clean, it really cannot be easy.

I was listening to a podcast this morning which really resonated with me and I thought of you. I have been listening to a chap called Robert Lustig - he deals with nutrition and sugar addiction issues but he talks about the impact of dopamine (reward) and serotonin (contentment) on our bodies. When our bodies have been flooded with dopamine (because we eat sugar or take drugs) over time  it has less of an impact so our body needs higher and higher doses to get the same initial impact (it's why recreational drug high stop working eventually and user take more and more to recreate the high).

robert lustiug - Search (bing.com)

The healthier route forward is to increase our levels of serotonin - the contentment hormone - as it contributes to a better quality of life overall. I know you like to investigate things so maybe this is an area you can discuss with the pros to understand the long lasting chemical impact of your addiction on your body and mind  - it might not give you instant relief but it may help you understand why you're feeling the way you do and give you permission to fill your life with all the good healthy stuff which will improve your MH.

By all means tell me to s*d off but it is very apparent that your years of drug misuse is casting a very long shadow on your life at the moment and you need to be proactive to bring yourself into the sunlight. I for one, and I am sure lots of people on this forum are rooting for you to live the clean healthy life that you absolutely deserve.

RelievedSheff

May I ask, and tell me to go away if you don't want to answer this, what has your wife done that you hold her in such high regard? You continually say that you don't deserve her, but flip it the other way, why does she deserve you?

As for paying off the card, I agree with your wife on this one. Leave it until after the holiday.

If you don't pay it off next month then is it really the end of the world? Another month really won't hurt anything!

alt80

It’s been a very long day today ha most of the way and I should definitely be asleep by now.

@Working_Mum I won’t tell you to s*d off; I don’t dispute anything you have written and it is in essence what I am working on with the pros and have been for a long time now. They say after around 18 months clean the brain balances itself chemically. However, there are all sorts of factors and mental health plays a part which they cannot fully say which triggered first or to what extent I would have the anxiety/panic/OCD issues. 100% the people who accept themselves and their past do better in recovery. Trying to do it for others rather than for yourself is a big risk factor for relapse as is treating yourself with contempt. I never want to go down that path again for all kinds of reasons. I have a massive list that I read every day, !!!!!! multiple times some days. The pros try to teach you ways to look after yourself and I was doing a lot better when I was putting the work in.

I wanted to slow down on the business front and spend a greater amount of time with my little family but when it came to accepting that would come with its own set of consequences and hamper future potential for success, it really affected me. The irony is my mental health is so shot, I’m burnt out and the stress has hampered any !!!!!! drive hampering future potential for success but because that makes me feel completely !!!!!! worthless it’s a vicious cycle of pushing my family away, not being able to leave the office and when I do spending all my time cleaning the house. !!!!!! mental, I know it’s even more torturous as I’m not ignorant to what is affecting me but I can’t speak to myself like I would to a friend and be kind because I know what a !!!!!! I am.

@RelievedSheff I promised her a lifestyle that I have never managed to provide and likely never will but she has stood by me, propped me up and looked after me. Nothing I can do will ever repay her being there for me, continuing to be here for me and for her letting me see my son grow up. I try to do everything I can for her around the house and I am trying to put things as right as I can financially but I can’t give her the best of everything. We’ve been through some really hard times and fwiw I agree with her family that she should have moved on, found someone else and that she deserves better than putting up with me.

Regarding the card I don’t want to waste money on this holiday. I also wanted to pay it off as a birthday present to myself - that probably shouldn’t matter really tbf.