Moving on with things

mark55man

That's great to hear. Sometimes its great to be looked after, and your OH will want to do that for you (not all the time obvs, but when you need it!!)

alt80

I’ve been avoiding thinking about my personal finances post paying off the card balance. Unfortunately I am aware that it is not far off now. Whilst I am doing a little better I know that my mental health is not in a good place still. For quite some time when I have been planning for my family’s future I have not planned to be part of it. My son asked me why I don’t want to be around the rest of the family, he doesn’t understand but it just broke me again- thought I was doing the right thing just keeping myself away and working towards doing everything I could to give my wife and son a better future than I was given. 

It is miserable really I’ve stopped buying things for myself unless of absolute necessity to keep everything I possibly can in a place where it will benefit them. I hate taking money from my business that could be reinvested for them and I wish I had not taken out additional borrowing to buy this house. I like the place but I should have got my head in a better place and stopped struggling with driving so we could have spent less by moving to the countryside. Not what I want as such tbh I !!!!!! hate the idea of living in the middle of nowhere but it would have meant that I didn’t have so much to pay back to the bank.

My wife refuses to listen to me talk about the future now because she wants a lifestyle back at the expense of her and our son’s future once I’m gone. We went out Friday with some old friends I know through business but my wife stays in touch with. They live between here and Dubai, 100% in up to their eyeballs and don’t really care. My wife is asking why I care now, they have a great life. She’s not wrong, I just can’t do it anymore. Wish it was different.

Anyway just need to get through another day.

Willowtree222

Would she care if you lost it all and your house was repossessed because the housing market crashed and your business went under and you couldn't afford the debt repayments she is desperate to have to get the materialistic stuff she wants?

Her attitude is selfish. She's not thinking about you, the staff who rely on you monthly to pay their own bills, or the long term impact on your son. 

You wonder why you don't feel good enough for her? Nobody would unless they can keep up with her want demands every month. 

You say she's been good over this period, or has she just been playing the long game until she can get her own way again. Sounds like she would be happy to get back into the same amount of debt.

I don't think you'll ever recover properly with your mental health if you're constantly torn between giving in and living a more frugal life to keep the debts paid off. 

I hope one day you find a level of compromise that supports whatever it is you want. Right now, there's no compromise, only demands. 

MFWannabe

Willowtree222 said:

Would she care if you lost it all and your house was repossessed because the housing market crashed and your business went under and you couldn't afford the debt repayments she is desperate to have to get the materialistic stuff she wants?

Her attitude is selfish. She's not thinking about you, the staff who rely on you monthly to pay their own bills, or the long term impact on your son. 

You wonder why you don't feel good enough for her? Nobody would unless they can keep up with her want demands every month. 

You say she's been good over this period, or has she just been playing the long game until she can get her own way again. Sounds like she would be happy to get back into the same amount of debt.

I don't think you'll ever recover properly with your mental health if you're constantly torn between giving in and living a more frugal life to keep the debts paid off. 

I hope one day you find a level of compromise that supports whatever it is you want. Right now, there's no compromise, only demands. 

 Very well put; hit the nail on the head unfortunately 🙄

katsu

Hey @alt80. Can you and your wife talk about the life you both want to live now and over the next few years? Practical plans. 

Maybe your wife wants to hang out with you and take holidays as a family, you her and your son? The days out, spending money on things that bring you all joy in being together?

Maybe it can be about the joy of your family, not just about watches or other big ticket items?

Maybe she's saying they want your company, not just future security? 

Willowtree222

I think it has become apparent that the reason you are dreading paying off that debt isn't because you've changed, it's because she hasn't. She's back to the wants, and would happily put you back where you don't want to go.

I sincerely hope that you both find a way through this and that your mental health starts to improve dramatically. 

in_need_of_direction

Chipping in as I have a slightly different view.  Is it possible that in trying to shield her from business related stress, she hasn’t a clue about the things for which you feel responsible? 

Scott_Weiland79

alt80 said:

I’ve been avoiding thinking about my personal finances post paying off the card balance. Unfortunately I am aware that it is not far off now. Whilst I am doing a little better I know that my mental health is not in a good place still. For quite some time when I have been planning for my family’s future I have not planned to be part of it. My son asked me why I don’t want to be around the rest of the family, he doesn’t understand but it just broke me again- thought I was doing the right thing just keeping myself away and working towards doing everything I could to give my wife and son a better future than I was given. 

It is miserable really I’ve stopped buying things for myself unless of absolute necessity to keep everything I possibly can in a place where it will benefit them. I hate taking money from my business that could be reinvested for them and I wish I had not taken out additional borrowing to buy this house. I like the place but I should have got my head in a better place and stopped struggling with driving so we could have spent less by moving to the countryside. Not what I want as such tbh I !!!!!! hate the idea of living in the middle of nowhere but it would have meant that I didn’t have so much to pay back to the bank.

My wife refuses to listen to me talk about the future now because she wants a lifestyle back at the expense of her and our son’s future once I’m gone. We went out Friday with some old friends I know through business but my wife stays in touch with. They live between here and Dubai, 100% in up to their eyeballs and don’t really care. My wife is asking why I care now, they have a great life. She’s not wrong, I just can’t do it anymore. Wish it was different.

Anyway just need to get through another day.

I agree with what the other posters have said, it worries me that when your debt free is she gunna go crazy again and expect the Dubai lifestyle. I dont want you back where you are now.

I think you need to have a franky discussion with her.

Sarahwithlove

It's important you find a balance of what you both want. Some spending and some luxuries back but focus on making memories and experiences as a family. But also make sure you are securing their financial future. Maybe you need to give your wife a reality check in terms of how things would be should you die tomorrow, or before your son turns 18 and can be financially independent. Maybe then she might agree a compromise. 

stymied

I may be totally wrong but I remember when Mrs Alt would go crazy for "stuff" when she was feeling neglected. I'd give it a fair shot that's the problem this time round too x