Moving on with things

mark55man

just go - you have a firehose of money coming in, and diverting a little (well a small chunk anyway) for a major family adventure will be worth it.  I think I said before I did some really cool trips when the kids were younger and a regret I have is I couldn't afford it when they were pre teen and might have enjoyed it more.  I think age 11 for Lapland is just perfect timing.  Kids know Christmas isnt real from much earlier than they let on, but there is joy for all of you in perpetuating the suspension of disbelief

alt80

We decided to book Lapland but what should have been a nice thing to do together just turned into making me feel ill. I am doing my best to keep on track with the things that the pros want me to do but my wife and I came very close to having a massive argument. I told her that we have a budget for this and that from what I can see the accommodation isn’t really what I would expect for the price we’re paying and buying as a package was going to be easier (we don’t normally do this). She decided she was going to look into it Friday and it just started getting more and more ridiculous/ expensive. The conversation ended with her telling me that it’s a shame we can’t do the private jet trip which is all my fault. I told her yesterday that it simply won’t happen if it is beyond the budget I set. Idk whether we will bother or not now.

I get that she isn’t happy that I haven’t lived up to her expectations and the sort of standard of living that she would like has increased over time as she has realised what is out there but I can’t deal with her telling me that I need to earn more and be better at business. For a time she tried to pretend this didn’t matter to her and that she was grateful for what we do have. I know she was looking after me and trying not to put the pressure on but as soon as she started making the lists my stress levels went through the roof. I know it’s pathetic that I struggle to say no and I shouldn’t think I am less than her because I can’t provide this stuff that tbf 99.9% couldn’t.

I thought things had changed for both of us and now I just wonder if what people have said on here that I’m always going to have poor mental health because I am unable to get to that sort of level.

alt80

@mark55man thanks, really the trip should have been about the memories for my son. You have made me think I should probably put these thoughts to one side and book it so he can enjoy it.

dawnybabes

The majority of people will never get to the level your wife is demanding.  Why are you shouldering all the burden ? You’re supposed to be a team.  She really does need a shake and reality check. 

Your son will love the holiday even on a budget, he also needs to realise ‘life isn’t fair’ and we don’t always get what we want when we want it.  Your def of a budget holiday is a luxury holiday for most people. 

daisy_1571

you gave up your addiction,  maybe its time she gave up her addictions?  Bringing nothing into the family yet expecting the lifestyle of these ridiculous people she watches on TV or tiktok is making her very unhappy.   If she stopped watching that sh$#@ and started looking at her own reality which is head and shoulders above most of the people in this country let alone the world maybe she would get some perspective.   

Private jet ? Honestly what the effing eff is she on about?  I think you'll find SHE made booking what should have been a nice thing into something that made you ill, not you.  You are doing fine these days.  I honestly have no idea why you idolise her, she maybe did loads for you in the past however as people on here advise you to stop living in the past re your problems, you should be doing the same with her.  She supported you in the past but she certainly isn't supporting you now.

foxgloves

Private jet???!! @alt80, thank goodness you put your foot down on that as a notion!! You have a very good income, live in the best address in the city & your wife is able to spend her life fannying around as a 'kept woman'. Somebody here is not remotely living in the real world.....& it's not you!!
Watching cr*pola on tiktok & wanting all the associated tat is something most teenagers grow out of when they encounter the realities of the adult world. I appreciate & understand that you suffer with anxiety disorder (I had a diagnosis of that myself many years ago & still find a few specific types of situation difficult), & that the thought of seeing your hard work on the debt-busting reversed by lists of expensive tat is triggering for you. However, you are not at fault here. Private jet....oh my life!! Time for somebody to tune in to Reality FM, I think. A holiday in Lapland is out of the reach of so very many people. It is a fantastic treat in its own right & shouldn't require unnecessary expensive add-ons to experience a magical time. 
F

ladyholly

What planet is your wife on? If she wants luxury then perhaps she should earn it instead of acting like a spoilt brat. You give her a good life and despite you saying she looks after you how is acting in a way that causes you such mental stress looking after you?

Book the holiday you want. If she doesn't like it she doesn't have to go. Lapland is a very expensive destination but is very special for your son. Do it for him. Your wife can please herself.

strawb_shortcake

Does her parents hear how she speaks and the ridiculous things she believes should be achievable? I'd be very disappointed if my Daughter behaved like that, she has spoiled what should have been a lovely moment. This is on her not you!

Does get you thinking though, whilst you work your socks off and stress to provide for your family now and in the future. If it comes to pass (hopefully far in the future) that it's just your wife and Son, no matter what provision you leave, without her learning some money management skills, and an ability to budget she's quite frankly #@!&*% to put mildly.

alt80

It did end up being a really nice day, our son had his (belated) birthday party and we booked the trip. I told my wife I cannot carry on feeling constantly ashamed that I’m not doing well enough for her, we were meant to move on when we renewed our vows and it’s doing nothing other than affecting my mental health negatively. Don’t think it does her a lot of favours either. 

I was so !!!!!! whacked after dinner I slept for 2 hours earlier, hoping it’s not totally !!!!!! my night’s sleep now ha.

@dawnybabes I agree with you. What I meant about the accommodation is I do think it is expensive for what it is rather than complaining we are doing this on a budget. Come a long !!!!!! way and I actually feel quite proud how I’m managing personal finances these days.

This holiday is not really about the level of accommodation though, it’s more about the activities. Tbh I don’t think we’ll be in the room much.

@daisy_1571 @foxgloves @ladyholly She was doing a lot better until getting pulled in again. I see it for what it is these days and tbh the ones she follows are all Dubai based, the wealth there is unreal but so are the fakes and social media is/ can be deceptive ha so who knows. I have asked if she would be prepared to stay away from it for a week which she’s agreed to. 

@foxgloves Don’t feel you have to answer this but did you get to a point of managing the anxiety, you in control of it rather than it in control of you I suppose I’m trying to say. I’m doing everything the pros want as I don’t want this to rule me although I have tended to find so far that I have a little taste of success / meaningful recovery then become really unwell for want of a better word.

@strawb_shortcake She is not getting along with her family so much as she used to. I worry about her all the time and keep trying to talk to her about the things she needs to do when I’m gone but she just gets upset because she’s worried about me.

Scott_Weiland79

Well done for standing your ground re the missus I agree with what others have said here, she needs to grow up and realise your not Richard Branson and actually get in the real world. I think with her if she keeps wanting expensive crazy things you need to keep standing your ground and dont feel guilty. Lapland will be an amazing trip but do not go over board.

You have a budget
You have a goal ie a good life for you and your family and clearing debts

If she wants Cartier let her go get a job and pay for it.