Moving on with things

in_need_of_direction

Is it possible, that when you talk about not being around, that she sees that as you saying life’s not worth living?

foxgloves

@alt80 - Yes, I did eventually learn to control it & get myself back to work ok. It stemmed from something which happened in the middle of the city centre, would you believe?! I am not going into fine detail, but you would know the exact road, I'm sure! I have always been an overthinker, which doesn't play well with insomnia & anxiety, but had never had any MH problems until the GAD kicked in. In fact, several of my colleagues couldn't believe that was what I was signed off work with! I am mostly ok now, although I am bad at handling situations where I feel 'shut in'. For example, I never liked lifts, but since the GAD, I never go in them, I always book aisle seats for the opera. concerts, etc, & I don't like being stuck in big traffic queues such as the A1 at a standstill.....not just because it's annoying, but I feel trapped if I can't 'get out' of a situation if I feel I need to do so. If I find myself starting to get in a bit of a loop of overthinking, which I know I don't need to tell you can so easily progress to catastrophising, I tell myself firmly, "I will deal with this when & IF it happens" & tbh, it usually doesn't. Just before the pandemic, I lost both my parents barely a year apart, plus one of my best friends - it was a sad, hugely stressful time & I remember thinking "I bet the anxiety will come back", but you know, it didn't. I used my mantra - "I'll deal with this when & IF it happens" & I got through a very difficult time without a single panic attack, or even that feeling I used to get that I was 'about' to have one or worrying that I ;might' have one. It was fine. It also helped me to read up on the mechanism of 'fight or flight' which, is of course, a hangover from the days when we might meet a sabre-tooth tiger or herd of stampeding mammoths around every corner. This helped me rationalise it too, as in being able to understand that there was nothing wrong with me, except that I have got myself so worried about something that my mind is telling my body that it needs to run from 'danger'. 
I hope this is a bit helpful? I value the anonymity of these forums, so don't want to provide too much detail - I would say from my experience that I don't believe that my anxiety will go away 100%, but that I am in control of it & recognise it for what it is. 
F

southern_chick

Just de-lurking firstly to say how well you’re doing and to carry on but also to give my version of anxiety in case it helps!  I also, like Foxgloves can spiral in to catastrophising and find this can take over my thoughts completely and cause terrible insomnia. I now use the mantra “I can’t predict the future” numerous times until I can calm down and think rationally that all the catastrophising probably won’t play out in real life. It really does help me xx

alt80

Busy day at work today, had to stand in for one of my staff and visit a property I had not expected to. Sometimes you see things that really do make you think / grateful for what you have. Sticking with doing what the pros advise. I didn’t think my parents would really care when I spoke to them on holiday about how ill I was, idk seeing them and my wife upset has made me want to try again.

Had a few thoughts about my personal finances without getting too anxious about it, actually believed I’m in a good position to start building from for once in my life. I should clear the cards as planned. I know the property money has gone towards our trip to Lapland next month but I’m ok with that. I’m aware I cannot make a habit of spending it though. I told my wife today that I want to make inroads into reducing the mortgage debt on our home - that’s my next personal goal alongside living life. People on here are right that I need to stop punishing myself and my family by refusing to pay myself beyond needs once the card debt is cleared. 

@Scott_Weiland79 thanks mate. I struggle with feeling I’m not enough for her. I know I need to work on this as it just makes me more ill. 

@in_need_of_direction yeah, it really upsets her.

@foxgloves thank you for sharing. You have given me some hope but I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. Like you I have struggled with over thinking and insomnia for my whole life that I can remember. Even as a kid I didn’t sleep well but drugs made it an awful lot worse and when I am really struggling with insomnia I am a whole lot worse. I convinced myself that getting clean was going to be the panacea dgmw it’s helped and I don’t regret sorting myself out for a moment. 

Idk mental health works in strange ways and affects everyone differently. The fight or flight mechanisms are 100% primal, I’ve experienced problems with both in different ways/ scenarios etc. I would agree the more you understand the easier it is to rationalise. I know using cocaine in my case has not helped but I do accept it goes beyond that. The pros reckon I’ve had OCD for many years and tbf the treatments now I am engaging are helping. 

@southern_chick hello and thank you. No matter what I am committed to staying on the path no matter how bumpy it gets. If I ever stray, I know I can get back on but equally I have the tools and barriers in place not to stray in the first place. 

You have explained my experiences perfectly re poor sleep in the past few years. When the obsessive thinking takes over I have been unable to control it. I hope I can get to where you are in terms of finding a strategy that works. As I said to foxgloves you have given me some hope but I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this.

RelievedSheff

Just catching up with your diary.

Glad to see that you have managed to come to a compromise between you both on the Lapland trip. Well done for standing your ground and not completely blowing the budget.

You are doing great Alt. Keep up the hard work.

daisy_1571

Lovely post to read, so much progress, sending over my congratulations on doing such great work on yourself.

"Busy day at work today, had to stand in for one of my staff and visit a property I had not expected to. Sometimes you see things that really do make you think / grateful for what you have"

I think the above quote is what most of us hope your wife will say. 

Its so easy, but very unlikely to make anyone happy, to look at all the things in the world one doesn't have or can't do which can only ever cycle up and up and up.  Very much better life if one can consistently look at all the things one does have from clean water at the turn of a tap, through clean, safe, warm house, food in the cupboard, clothes in a wardrobe that keep one decent and right temperature, some disposable money in the bank above the basic needs - if you have all this you are the envy of a great percentage of the world.  Above this level, trinkets and more expensive versions of what one already has does not guarantee greater levels of contentment or happiness.  If one is even luckier and can add good health, limbs that do what you tell them, a sunny outlook, being useful in the world etc then that is definitely something most would describe as a good life.  Alt you are definitely on the way to that, I wish your son and wife the same contentment. 

Daisy xxx

Ps although it makes me sound like the late queen, I've used 'one' in the above as to say 'you' suggests im meaning you, when I'm meaning the general individual. 

Scott_Weiland79

@Scott_Weiland79 thanks mate. I struggle with feeling I’m not enough for her. I know I need to work on this as it just makes me more ill. 

Only you can change that, but your a better person and a better man than you give yourself credit for

alt80

End of a busy week / weekend, struggling with sleep again too which isn’t great. Tends to be a lot worse when I get little time to rest which makes my sleep and stress/ anxiety levels worse. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s my birthday tomorrow (today now ha) so we went out to a nice restaurant Saturday evening and we took our son to motorcycle live. He loved it, tbf it was good. Our friends with the classic cars have bikes and go on little day trips on them. My wife said she would like to take our son as he’s obsessed with cars and bikes. They don’t press on so she’d be fine but I can see her roping me into it as I doubt she would be able to carry him on the back of a motorbike. Idk I’m deliberately driving a lot more since I figured out what kept causing the panic attacks. Would be nice to have a car when the eqc goes back but I don’t want to go back into debt again for it and the company cars make less sense with the new tax rates so I think when both these electric cars go back we won’t have another through the business as they make less and less sense. A while until we have no car at all so it’s not too much of a problem. The hybrid bik getting more expensive will probably cause a big argument between my wife and I when the eqe goes back as it will make no sense to have another Range Rover which is apparently what she wants (it’s that or a g-wagon fml). I’ve considered getting something like a little old bmw 328is rather than having two new, expensive cars but idk the thought of buying a used car does make me feel like I’ve fell on hard times even though on paper things are better than they have ever been. Easier in my mind just not to bother. Very much feels like starting over in life choosing to rid myself of using credit for consumer goods and cars. Especially now future choices are coming into play.

@RelievedSheff thank you we’re all just looking forward to it now. My wife has seemingly forgotten that we didn’t have the cash for everything. 

@daisy_1571 ikwyacf and I don’t think you are wrong that seeing a bit more of the more difficult things in life would probably be good in a way for my wife and son, doesn’t stop me doing whatever I can to protect them from seeing upsetting things. 

@Scott_Weiland79 thank you I have been working hard to be a better person/ man/ husband/ father since getting on the recovery path. I missed the first years of my son’s life, there but absent, !!!!!! consumed in myself because that’s what addiction does to you. I dread the day when my boy doesn’t want me to read to him any longer now. Idk I’ve changed, getting on the recovery path changed me. It’s some of the reason why I feel so guilty for not being able to give my wife everything she wants in life.

PollyWollyDoodle

You have made such progress, I hope you can get past this stage. You are a good father and husband as well as a good employer and landlord, you have a lot to be proud of although I know it’s hard for you to see that. 

I just had to post this though - did you know that Warren Buffet famously never buys a new car?  He makes a point of buying a good used model and driving it for years. His philosophy is about making money, not spending it - I don’t think you’d say he’s fallen on hard times!  I know it’s all about perception, but honestly, buying a decent used car doesn’t make you look poor, it makes you look smart. 

RelievedSheff

We don't know anyone who actively goes out and buys brand new cars. Everyone we know goes out and buys a good used car, and that includes the ones who have more than enough to go out and buy new if they wanted.

It doesn't make financial sense at all if you look at the figures and how much money new cars lose early on.