Moving on with things

daisy_1571

Its not dumb at all.  Its just the brain keeping you in a place of normal familiarity.   As you say, its been the normal for many years.  You've overcome other things that were the normal and now how you are is your new normal.   This will be too in time.

Daisy xxx 

mark55man

Agreed - a few "absolutely nots" in your life are all you need, the rest can be fudged as long as its basically sensible and taking you forward even if a bit circuitously sometimes

alt80

Despite a poor nights sleep, managed to have a really nice day today. We ticked off some of the Christmas shopping but it didn’t get silly. I have been waiting for my wife telling me that she is going to leave me because she wants more than I can give but we managed to have a conversation about it which was reassuring.

@Lonelygambler 100% right I know and thank you. Not quite clear yet as I won’t send the money until next week.

@daisy_1571 yeah that’s 100% my problem but you’re right, I just need to keep on the right path and have a bit of faith / patience ha.

@mark55man that’s true, not everything is life or death. Often the worst thing you can do is start over thinking stuff that really doesn’t make a great deal of difference in the grand scheme of things. It’s been a problem for me for quite some time, never used to be an issue until I really stepped back and decided to tackle the fundamental problems that were destroying my life and my family’s also. Not been able to trust myself since.

Cherryfudge

The 'stepping back and tackling the fundamental things that were destroying your life and your family's' took great courage and is evidence you are capable of very good decisions. So there is definitely something there that can be trusted, and with practice you will get better at seeing things for what they are.

katsu

You are doing so well @alt80.  
Remember that your son is a child still, so he's got a lot to learn about work and careers. You'd be doing him no favours if you tried to provide him with a guilded adult life where he had all his needs met. What sort of partner would he attract then? What sort of friends?  

Don't worry, he'll grow up lots in the next decade, and probably look back and laugh at comments he made when he was young. Although, to be fair, fetishising work isn't really ideal for any of us so if he grows up to have a great work life balance, maybe he will be in a great place? 

Back to you... congratulations for opening up to your parents and leaning in to the work with the pros.  You are at another stage of making progress and improving your life so keep going. 

I'm really proud of you for speaking out and putting in the work. 

I also think that when you are doing well, it helps keep your wife away from this nonsense.  I've been to the middle east and there's a lot of unreality, as you say, and some very uncomfortable people at the bottom like those people who built football stadiums in Qatar or maids sleeping in basically cupboards not real rooms.  I'm sure this can be a good place for her to grow too, and I hope she's embarrassed in her quiet moments when she realises she has been more like a child then an adult.  I'm so proud of you for speaking out about the private flight. Sometimes your lovely wife forgets to think and gets caught up in unrealistic nonsense, but she can become more grounded I'm sure. 

Also... well done for telling her you are afraid she'll leave you for this fantasy rich person.  I've never met your wife and I don't have psychic powers but I'm pretty sure that if she did leave you, she's not going to find some magician who showers her with every imaginable luxury.  She's not an idiot so she must know that too. We don't live in Hallmark movies and I think even those aren't about totally insane luxury from magic money trees.

Let her reassure you that sometimes she's an idiot too, but that she knows she's lucky to have you and you are lucky to have her. Your relationship isn't one way. 

And yeah... get DF.  I hear you on the 0% etc but a good test I think is to ask if it's really some superb plan for the money or if it's "brain weasels ". I think it's weasels and an underlying discomfort.  It changed so much for me in my mindset to be DF and I thank Martin for his work and this community here. Being DF has a lot to offer us all, whether high earners or low.  

alt80

The weather has been !!!!!! awful here this weekend so we've not done a lot. I did somehow manage to sleep for 10 hours so didn't get up until late Saturday and got another 9 hours last night, hoping that's reset me for the coming week ha. 

Barring some emergency this time next week I'll be free of the card balances. Hesitant to say 'debt free' as I still have a large (to me) mortgage on my home and a load of personal guarantees but free of consumer credit. 

@Cherryfudge 100%, the past few years have been so !!!!!! tough but some good decisions have definitely been made. Sorting myself out really and putting my family first. Shouldn't have taken what it did but I can only really look forward now - the past has gone.

@katsu you're right, I just want him happy and to not experience hardship in any form, which is dumb really - if you never experience any adversity how tf can you hope to grow. Idk I've not been well for a long time and there are times I see me in him, I don't want him falling into the same traps and I suppose my default is to try to fix it with money, which I can't. 

100% re the Middle East, I think it's a !!!!!! horrible place tbh. I've been to Dubai pre-covid and never want to go back. She listens to people selling her a dream too much and too often. Tbf she's off social media rn, it was meant to be a week but she's decided to stay off it until the new year. She's helping me with a few things, got her art course, gym, nails, music and is starting lessons to get her motorcycle license. Busier than I am ha. She tends to be a lot easier to live with when she's off it and spending more time with our friends with the classic cars / bikes and a few others who are a lot less focused on lifestyle. This afternoon she was really upset as she questions how real some of it is - some of them have fake bags/ watches/ jewellery and whatever. 

ladyholly

You have done so well and from what you say your wife is starting to grow as a person and seeing that the rubbish on social media is not real life. In general I see it as a marketing tool.

alt80

@ladyholly thank you, we have been here before with her, ha. Tbf apparently I really upset her in planning for not being around and apparently she reckons she got taken back in watching tiktoks and content on IG idk.
Absolutely it's a marketing tool 100%, not one we need to use so my knowledge on it is very limited but it's big in some industries to create top of funnel awareness mainly / build consumer trust / additional point of contact etc. My wife sees a girl that appears to be unconnected to a brand and gets taken in, she also likes the lifestyle stuff which tbf I'm really not sure what the aim of those accounts is.

in_need_of_direction

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RelievedSheff

Hopefully some time off social media will help your wife reset her image of life.

Agree the weather was terrible this weekend. We did pretty much nothing this weekend. Monday still came round too soon though!