Aim: Mortgage Free / Time For Me

postmenopause

South_coast said:

postmenopause said:
"I have not changed."

Yes, that's the problem 🤦‍♀️! Well done for chucking it, that must have taken some guts x

Love today's quote BTW!

@South_coast you are absolutely right, as he said, he hasnt changed and he never will change XXX

postmenopause

( I hope no one reading my diary minds, but instead of both money saving and wellbeing i have today decided to just focus on the  ‘wellbeing’ part of my diary,  as i seem to feel better when i have wrote things down).

Two quotes today:

“Hoovering is one of many tactics used by narcissists to manipulate and  ‘suck’ their victim back into an abusive relationship after their victim has escaped”
“The longer you dance with the devil, the longer you remain in hell.  Don’t sell yourself short by settling for what they have to offer.  Remember  the stress that caused you to leave them….remember that you gave your best and got their worst in return”

After the ‘nice’ words i received through the post yesterday from my dad, i once again felt unsettled.  Since my counselling last year i have had many letters from him, mostly vile, but some declaring undying love for me.  My counsellor told me not to open any of them and just return them back marked ‘refused delivery, pls return to…..’.  This i did and eventually the letters reduced.  Yesterday he has tried a new tactic of using a postcard so he knows i will see what he has written before disposing of it.  Anyone reading the postcard would think it’s so sad that i am being horrible to him….but the card was written to make me feel guilty and start talking to him once again, so i  again get ‘sucked’ into the downward spiral of emotional abuse.

For anyone who doesn’t know my dad you would think he is a lovely, generous 90 year old man and to many people he is just that, and because of this i have questioned myself over and over again if my decision of going ‘no contact’ was the right one…….but it definitely is and his vile letters over the last year or so have confirmed what i knew already.  He is a narcissist who has made my whole life hell.  For years I have pandered to his every whim and in return he gave me physical abuse when i was just a child and years and years of emotional abuse as an adult….and i now have mental health scars that will last me a lifetime.

However, even now, the strange thing is i  still quite often feel guilty for going ‘no contact’.  I have read that this is quite normal as my brain is now conditioned to ‘please people’ without thinking of myself……but i have decided to keep telling myself over and over that it is now my turn to heal, my time to live.  I have left him in a lovely ‘extra care’ unit with carers on ‘tap’ if he needs them ( though he doesn’t need them yet).  He gets a cooked meal every day in the restaurant and has other residents around him for games of bingo, entertainment and socialising….. so i haven’t just left him to fend on his own.  But the one ‘thing’ he hasn’t got now is ‘me’ to manipulate and emotionally abuse any longer, as i have finally woken up and realised i deserve to have a life too.

try_harder

I cannot even imagine what you have been through ,i was so lucky to have had the most wonderful father that anyone could ever wish for so i am always so sad to hear that there are people like this ..I do know of someone just like the person you have described who also behaves in this way to their grown up child and every one around them can see it apart from the person who is being abused ,it is so terribly sad . I cant remember if i read that you are working with a counsellor or have worked with one in the past ?

try_harder

Oh dear ,just realised that you are working with a counsellor ..How do you feel thats going ?

Kantankrus_Mare

Big hugs to you postmenopause........no wonder you are torn with emotions but as you have said....your father is well cared for and you are protecting your well being by going no contact. No-one will blame you for that!!  Ramble away on here to your hearts content. Your diary, your life, and we will support you all the way.

postmenopause

Kantankrus_Mare said:

Big hugs to you postmenopause........no wonder you are torn with emotions but as you have said....your father is well cared for and you are protecting your well being by going no contact. No-one will blame you for that!!  Ramble away on here to your hearts content. Your diary, your life, and we will support you all the way.

You are so kind @Kantankrus_Mare , thank you XXX.   

try_harder said:

Oh dear ,just realised that you are working with a counsellor ..How do you feel thats going ?

I finished my counselling sessions in the middle of last year as the counsellor felt i was doing well and had the understanding to change things but since then i seem to have gone downhill which is why i started this diary…..it really does seem to help me though.  I am determined things are going to change for the better, once and for all, but i do know its going to be a bumpy ride.  I know ill always have insecurities and i know my dad will find ways to try and put me on a guilt trip until the day he dies….but hopefully as time goes by i will ‘harden’ a bit more to this .  Thank you for thinking of me @try_harder  XXX

beanielou

I have no words but sending love & strength.

postmenopause

beanielou said:

I have no words but sending love & strength.

@beanielou that means the world to me, thank you XXX

postmenopause

Today’s quote:

“Every new day is another chance to change your life”

Money / household saving:

1. My seedlings needed pricking out and potting on, so i have done this and they are now sitting happily next to our french doors.  I have peppers, aubergines, and four different tomato varieties (Alicante, chocolate cherry, red pear, tigerella).  My coriander and pea shoots are also growing well next to my french doors too.  My broad beans and leeks are now in my cold greenhouse…..though my thermometer said it reached 24c in there the other day 😱.
2. Today it’s my dh payday and i’m really pleased to say his money went into our new bank account without a hitch…..thank goodness.  Still waiting for our £130 for changing banks, but it did say it could take up to 28 days.
3. Not money saving…..Our car went wrong last night so dh is going to book it into the garage asap.  It is still under warranty as it’s fairly new, but we will have to wait and see if its covered.

Wellbeing:

1. Yesterday after i posted my diary, i decided to take the bull by the horns and started the ‘couch to 5k’.  Oh my goodness i was shattered after doing it….who ever said it is an easy way to start running must be mad!…..but never the less, i completed run number one.  I do the next run tomorrow and i am NOT looking forward to it.
2. Today i still completed my 30 minutes of brisk walking even though it’s a rest day for the ‘couch to 5k’.
3. My diet is not going well at all.  For the moment i think i should try hard to choose healthy foods rather than limit portion sizes……perhaps little steps towards my goal is the way to go?  I am wondering whether to book myself in with the nurse for a general check up / weight check as an incentive……not sure if my doctors surgery still do this because of covid?….. i’ll give this some thought after my dentist and mammogram next week i think.

That’s it for today

XXXX

Kantankrus_Mare

Loving your set up for your seeds!! Still havent started mine yet. Last day off tomorrow before 4 days back at work so hoping to get going tomorrow afternoon. Hope your car isnt too poorly. Ours ended up costing us £420 but that included 2 new tyres, MOT and service as well as new spring and arms to mend suspension. so not all bad.
Well done on the running!!