Aim: Mortgage Free / Time For Me

postmenopause

This is my first diary, I know it's anonymous, but it still scares me baring all.  I'll start by saying "i'm a survivor", I say this because I am still here. 
I am married with two grown up girls that have recently flown the nest, one at university doing a masters....(oh my goodness this costs us so much money to finance her) and the other daughter who moved into her first house during covid last year with her partner.....I miss them so much even though I see them regularly.

To cut a long story short, I had counselling for a few months earlier this year due to the physical and emotional abuse when I was growing up.  The counsellor helped me to understand that my father is a narcissist and my mother (unintentionally) emotionally abused me when I was younger.  I decided it was time to look after me with the help of my counsellor and I went 'no contact' with my father (which was so hard to do as the guilt I feel is terrible, god knows why I feel this way) and unfortunately my sisters have all rallied round him and have cut all ties with me which really hurts, but I am a survivor and I will somehow get over this.

So my diary here is for two reasons.  The first is me and my DH want to pay our two mortgages off a few years early so he can retire earlier (I don't work but I do grow nearly all of our fruit and veg on my allotment).  We are good at cutting back/saving every penny as we have lived 'under the breadline' for quite sometime when our girls were little, but a dairy will help me focus.  And the second reason is to give me time for me to recover, as I have spent my whole adult life running after people looking after them ie my parents who have been very needy my whole life and my daughters who are now grown up.

So my diary begins here and now, so this time next year I can look back and see how far I have come.  So here here I go....

1) We have two mortgages left, the first is for the house and stands at £41,873.41 and the second is for our kitchen/diner and we have £14805.57 left to pay.  We have decided to clear our kitchen mortgage first as it's the smallest -we have already over paid what we can this year to our mortgage provider so we are saving as hard as we can in our savings account to clear this amount when our fixed rate finishes in December 2022 (so we have no penalty) and then after this we can start to do the same with our house mortgage.  Every extra penny we save can be put to this.

2) I feel old, worn out, very overweight, frumpy and sad most the time and this has got to change.  I have had constant indigestion over the last two weeks comfort eating to cheer myself up.....I need to change this.  Today I have weighed myself and I am 13 stone 12 pounds....ridiculous!....this has to change, so it's healthy eating, money saving recipes for me from now on.

So here I go, I'll try and check in daily.  If anyone reads this dairy and spurs me on then it will be great, but if nobody does then this is also fine as this is a diary to spur me on to a better, quieter life XXX

beanielou

Hello @postmenopause.
Happy shiny new diary.
I am also frumpy overweight & very nearly 60. Sigh.
Wishing you well on your journey.

smetf

Welcome @postmenopause
Sounds like a good plan to prioritise yourself, you deserve it.
Good luck with the mortgage clearing.

Nurse2047

Welcome @postmenopause I can totally relate, sounds like you were describing me. Diagnosed with PTSD this year due to abuse as a child and up to my 40s from my father and emotional abuse from my mother.  Restraining order in place 😬These forums really help me as give me a structure to things I can control so hopefully will be supportive for you. 

Sounds like you have made a good start and will be following your progress. 

Anything you can do that will help you feel better? Walking? Couch to 5k? 

postmenopause

Todays quote:

“Life will only change if you are more committed to your dreams than you are to your comfort zone” 

Thank you for your lovely replies to my first post @kippers @beanielou @smetf @MFW2026 , to be honest I didnt think anyone would read it.

Mortgage savings:

1. Since yesterdays post our paperwork / new cards have come from our new bank account, our change over date is 5/1 so hopefully shortly afterwards we will get our £130 for changing banks which we will save towards paying our kitchen mortgage in December 2022. 
2. I entered all our spending into my cashbook and we have managed to save a further £64 this week from our weekly spending money ( we put aside £70 per week for everything other than bills and food).
3. Today I used some of my mixed winter salad leaves from my green house to ‘top up’ the supermarket lettuce in our fridge.  We will have this with a homemade pasta sauce that I’ll make tonight using the passata in the freezer (i made the passata with my home grown tomatoes in August so it will be a good, healthy cheap meal).

Wellbeing :

1. I’ve started to do the ‘Active 10’ ie 30 minutes brisk walking per day.  I’ve done this yesterday and today.
2. Biggest achievement today is i’ve started my healthy eating diet.  I’m sure my cholesterol must be high once again as I've let myself go over the last two years (3 years ago it was high and i managed to bring it down by eating healthy to avoid statins).  I know what I need to eat and what not to eat, it’s the doing it that is the problem…. But i’ve started, which really is amazing with all the chocolates in the house from Christmas.   

So today has been a good day, lets hope it’s the first of many

XXX

smetf

A great start. I'm a big fan of getting out walking (and running) makes such a difference to my mental health getting outside. I aim to do 10000 steps a day, just building it back up after Covid. Was very money saving and walked into town for errands today but was shattered afterwards! 

postmenopause

Todays quote:

”Growing your own food is like printing your own money”

Mortgage savings:

1. Today I cut up my pumpkin ready to make spicy pumpkin soup tomorrow.  This will save me money as I will freeze loads of portions so i dont have to buy any more tins of soup for a while.  The pumpkin was rather large though so ive frozen a further two large portions of it ready to make more soup when needed.
2. The paperwork for our new bank account came yesterday so today we have logged onto our internet account…looking forward to the £130 for switching.
3. Dinner tonight was chicken breasts that have been in our freezer for over a year (they tasted fine though) and mostly home grown veg, so its another cheap meal.

Wellbeing:

1. My ‘active 10’ app didnt work today and it didnt record my 30 minute brisk walk….oh well, i know ive done it for three days running so im very proud of myself.
2. While i was chopping my pumpkin up, I played a carol concert that our local radio station recorded the week before Christmas ….. it was lovely, i was happy singing away.  I didnt realise i know so many words to carols lol
3. This is my third day of eating healthy….really proud of myself, but ive got a long way to go.

@smetf I know what you mean about being shattered after big walks, 10,000 steps is an awful lot per day…..you do brilliantly.

Anyway, day three of ‘new me’ is nearly over XXX

beanielou

Well done on day 3 

VintageHistorian

That is a whopper of a pumpkin!

Also welcome to the board! XD

postmenopause

Todays quote:

“It’s great to use the New Year to reset and change habits, but remember the old you has survived every terrible day, every awful circumstance and every heartbreak you have ever felt.  The old you is a fighter and that’s worth celebrating too”.

I find this quote grounding as it reminds me that I am still here no matter what I have gone through in the past.  Tonight I will raise a glass to this.

Mortgage / household savings today:

1. I took early retirement in October and i now have two very small pensions from two old employers which helps with our finances.  One is really small as I only worked there for six months permanently and that came into my bank account today.  It’s only £11.04 but every little helps.  This will be put straight towards my kitchen mortgage savings ready for paying it off in Dec 2022 when our fixed mortgage ends.
2. Over the last four days I have gone back to having porridge oats for breakfast together with soya yoghurt, ground almonds, raisins, banana and homegrown fruit from my freezer…..my five a day all in one!  I have rhubarb, gooseberries, red currants and plums in my freezer so it will save me a packet not having to buy them from the supermarket.  I need to get in the habit of preparing the evening before and then the fruit can defrost over night in the fridge.
3. I made spicy pumpkin soup today with the pumpkin i cut up yesterday.  I used leeks and garlic from my freezer and my own potatoes, so everything in it was homegrown except the spices, veg stock and a dash of olive oil…so a very cheap soup.   Me and my DH had it for lunch and it was lovely, but i also have eleven portions that are now in the freezer for another day.
4. Tonight we are having a curry using a curry paste i made along time ago which i found at the back of the freezer.  I have taken some homemade passata out of my freezer together with a bag of cooked leftover veg.  I will stick a can of chickpeas in it and add some yoghurt at the end to make it a bit more creamy i think.  Im sure i also have a naan at the back of the freezer too that me and my DH can share. 

Wellbeing :

1. I realised today I am starting to feel slightly better about myself, dare I think I am starting to get a tiny bit of my mojo back.  It felt so good to be cooking something from scratch and saving money.  I really think this diary is helping me to focus, I will definitely push myself to carry on in the new year.
2. This is now day four for me with my diet…..this is a miracle!
3. This New Years eve will be hard for me and my DH as it’s the first one on our own since out girls were born.  We are really going to miss them ( one is away with her friends for a couple of days whilst she is back from university and the other has covid so is spending it with her partner at home).  We have planned to have our curry on the table with a candle ( lol it’s the most romantic thing we have done in years).  I’m sure we will then sit on the settee watching tv or a film, fall asleep, wake up at midnight and then toast the new year in…..domestic bliss 🤣🤣🤣

Thank you @beanielou for your support and @VintageHistorian lol this pumpkin was small compared to one I grew in 2019 that was 24 1/2 stones 🤣🤣🤣

Anyway, to any daft soul reading my ramblings, I hope you have a happy and prosperous New Year XXX

postmenopause

”Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a new ending”.

Happy New Year to anyone out there that comes across my new diary.  I am determined that my life will be better in 2022.

Mortgage / household savings today: 

1. Today I sorted all the gifts i brought from Boots on the 23/12 when their on-line sale went live.  They are either birthday presents, gifts or stocking fillers for my family.  For the last fifteen years or so we have always saved a little bit every month towards christmas and birthdays, so I have the money ready to buy things when they are in the sales…..and the Boots sale in late December/January is usually 50% off (though technically it isnt 50% as I could have purchased the things on 3 for 2 before xmas….but its still a good saving i have made).  I now have my list updated and i know exactly who i still need to buy forand what my budget for each gift is.  
2. On Monday we have my daughters boyfriends parents coming over…they are lovely but i wanted to make something special to eat.  So today I have started to make a chocolate fudge cake, which i have made many times before……except I was tired and i dont think i greased my pan properly and one of the cake sandwiches fell in half as i turned it out😱😱😱.  It’s cooling at the moment so i’ll have a look later and see if i can salvage it, im sure ill be able to.  I’m also going to make a lemon cheese cake too, hopefully they will like one or the other.

Wellbeing:

1. Today started bad because I forgot to do my breakfast oats and fruit the night before and i came down starving….but i defrosted the fruit in the microwave and didn’t ruinmy diet.  Next, the chicken i was going to cook for me and my DH wasnt fully defrosted when i went to cook it so we couldnt have it, we will have it tomorrow instead now…..i must say it would have been really easy to ruin my healthy eating diet today as i was beginning to feel fed up and hungry and the xmas chocolates were staring at me….i swear it was this diary that kept me going.  So I did a tin of chilli from my pantry with some peas and carrots and a ‘mash potato’ squash that i grew 2021for the first time (they are basically a squash that you cut in half, roast with a spray of olive oil and when cooked you scoop it out and it tastes nearly like mash potato.  I will definitely be growing more of these next year as they are lovely and low in calories (though im not counting calories).  
2. We took the Christmas decorations down today, this always makes me sad.  I feel a bit cheated this year as my eldest daughter had to go home early on boxing day, instead of staying all day due to covid.  
3. Also , Last night was really weird seeing the New Year in without my DD’s.  No one ever warns you when your children are young how much you miss them when they grow up and go their own ways...but onwards and upwards, I've just got to get used to it now and look forward to making new memories with my DH….. a new normal.

Anyway, thats it for today
XXX