Curbing the ridiculous 19 September 2021 at 11:40AM in Debt Free Diaries 735 replies 76.6K views

RebeccaPearson

@WinterWarrior - Channel Islands.  Yes, it's exactly that, mercy of others.  I have had a meltdown tonight.  Kids are being loud and screaming, and my anxiety levels are through the roof because of the neighbour incident yesterday.  I just need it all to stop. And I'm worried about myself.  My mother's side has a big history of depression.  And I am REALLY struggling right now.  I think I'm going to go see my GP.  I feel like I'm spiralling.  Big time.  Work is awful, team atmosphere horrid at present, exhausted from the DC (we went out last night and they woke at 0530) and lack of sleep, mental load is killing me.  And the house situation as you know.  And I just need it to stop.  

Buffythedebtslayer

Right now can you go for a walk? 

Open a window? 

I am so sorry. I know this feeling and it is scary, but also a warning. Make sure you can get to the doctors. And keep writing here to get it out of your head. 

Sending you love XXX 

RebeccaPearson

Thanks @Buffythedebtslayer - I can't right now due to kids etc.  But I will walk to work tomorrow (not quite the same I know).  I am just done.  Done with everything.  DH and the kids are wonderful (when not screaming) but sometimes I don't know if it's enough.  What really TERRIFIES me is that my grandmother walked out on my mum when she was 8.  And I didn't find out until I was in my 20's.  And I am worried I am like her.  Plus she was an alcoholic.  And I do have a tendency to drink.  I just don't know who I am anymore.

Buffythedebtslayer

You do know who you are. You wouldn't leave the children. You really wouldn't. You are highly stressed with a stressful job, living situation and are at a crossroads. Most people don't know they are at a crossroads when they are there(see me in my life!)  but you do. Whenever I am like that you and my friends here tell me to give myself a break. Remember the good, remember you deserve that break, you need it. we don't earn rest, it isn't club card points!! 

Open a window, try and find the moon or a star and take a few deep breaths. Show the kids. Make some cocoa and be kind to yourself. I know it is hard to get the brain to shut up but it can be done. Nothing is happening right now, be with the kids and hubby (even if he does think cat litter trays have holes, I do love him for that!!) and we will work through the decisions here point by point. You are ok. X 

Lots of love 
Buffy XXX 

southern_chick

I read you diary but very rarely comment.  I didn’t want to “read and run” when you sound like you’re struggling. I can’t give you any real advice but just know we are all here  to “listen” to you and are rooting for you. Definitely go to see your GP. You really are doing a wonderful job, be kind to yourself and maybe share with your DH how you’re feeling so you’re not carrying the burden on your own xx

Blackcats

Rebecca - I really feel for you.  It's so tough for you, tough because you are exhausted from being poorly and from night after night of disrupted sleep - that's difficult, added to which the atmosphere at work is not great and you are living in a flat that isn't where you want to be.  

If any of your real life friends or your friends here described this situation to you, I know you would urge them to be kind to themselves, to recognise what a great job they are doing for their family and try to halt their negative self talk.  You would encourage them to seek support and help. 

As others have said, we are here for you.  It's a safe, anonymous place so although we can't make you a cup of tea, you can tell it as it is and we are all on your side.  

Sending you restful, kind thoughts.
keep in touch - we are here for you.  X 

  

Four_Seasons

Sending you love and hugs Rebecca x

WinterWarrior

I’m sorry you are feeling so down today. One thing that may help is remembering no one knows what to do..ever. Even if they look put together on the outside it’s all guesswork if they should move, change things, etc. Life is hard, but you’ve got this. No matter what you decide to do, you will be ok x 

warby68

I've only read along your diary so far and thought several times I don't know how you cope. We did 2 babies in mid 30's while working hard and it was both the best and the hardest of times.

Your plate is more fully loaded than ours ever was - whilst I wouldn't dismiss your family history or your feelings of being prone, the amount you are dealing with is monumentally huge. You have babies in your 40's and are working very hard plus an unsatisfactory housing situation with no easy solutions. You also seem to carry more of the mental load than your OH. That is enough for even the most iron constitution. Lack of sleep also seriously distorts the world and your sense of proportion and perspective. When our 2 were at their worst, me and husband would play sleep top trumps and argue down to who had 15 minutes more - ridiculous but it seemed justifed at the time.

You are allowed to crack just from situational stuff and need some help and it is good that you see it coming and want to manage it. 

Immediate circut break? Mine was always a drive. Bung them in the car seats and drive. Is that possible? Or take turns to drive or one child each.

What's really clear is that you and husband need to get on the same page as to where you want to live. I don't think seeing which happens first is an ideal decision making tool. Maybe mentally parking until after Christmas and then working that aspect through properly is the way to go. Hope its not too pushy to say that but it does strike me as an unresolved dilemma. My suggestion, if at all possible, would be to look for a UK rental and try it out before buying in either place. I think you have a year or 2 before school.

astrocytic_kitten

Seconding what everyone else has said - you’re dealing with a huge amount of stress right now and it’s coming from all sides too, you’ve been coping with so much for so long. The uncertainty and lack of control involved is also a massive strain - you’ve been so unlucky and anyone would struggle in your situation. None of this is your fault. Do go and see the doctor, and vent here all you need xx