Curbing the ridiculous

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  • BuffythedebtslayerBuffythedebtslayer Forumite
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    Seconding what everyone else has said - you’re dealing with a huge amount of stress right now and it’s coming from all sides too, you’ve been coping with so much for so long. The uncertainty and lack of control involved is also a massive strain - you’ve been so unlucky and anyone would struggle in your situation. None of this is your fault. Do go and see the doctor, and vent here all you need xx
    Yep, I know I have already typed but today when I came in from the dog grooming I was SO tired I could barely see. Please don't underestimate how exhausted you must be, my best work friend has two children and has recently had covid, she is so much more tired than me, I could rest, the rabbits don't care when they are fed, she couldn't not. Even today, part of why I was annoyed was because I knew I would collapse from tiredness and Mum might be hungry... It is hard managing everything. 

    Always sending you love XXX 

    Nevertheless she persisted.
  • QueenJessQueenJess Forumite
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    Please try and look after yourself (I know it’s hard with kids and I am also terrible at it). I find the tiredness infiltrates everything - making decisions when tired takes me so long and everything seems so much worse (I have an 8 month old and a 4 year old and am very sleep deprived too). I’ve totally given up alcohol for the foreseeable future as it makes the tiredness worse.

    I would park the big decisions for now and revisit in the New Year. You can’t make big decisions when so tired and you need time.

    Try to find things you can ditch to free up time and get some more rest, do some more exercise (apparently it makes you less tired) and get plenty of fruit/veg. It should help a bit at least at the moment. Just live in the moment and get through each day as it comes rather than having lots of plans. You may find things fall into place a bit more without even thinking about it.

    I do sympathise with the living situation. I’ve not had it with kids as well thankfully, but once things were so bad where I lived, we had to leave at midnight and went to a hotel. Then we were technically homeless for 10 days living in a hotel, then renting short term accommodation for another few months. It was horrible and a very long story, but we found the other end eventually!

    It sounds like you have some family support though and can get a little bit of time away from the kids. That’s brilliant - and definitely use it! I would love to have just one afternoon, an evening or even an hour off, but not going to happen for me! No family living nearby.
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  • RebeccaPearsonRebeccaPearson Forumite
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    WOW!  I am utterly overwhelmed at all of the kind words and support from each and every one of you.  Genuinely sat here with tears in my eyes - thank you so so much.

    I am seeing the GP at 1630 today.  Found I couldn't focus at work yesterday as was very tearful.  Another rubbish night's sleep hasn't helped - tried to go to bed at 830 but DC2 had other ideas.  I also have my parents here ALL DAY today and this evening.  They fly back tomorrow.  As some of you know, I do not have a good (or really any) relationship with my mum.  Dad, I have always been close to but he now has Parkinsons which is hard to see.  When they are here they are no help and it is like looking after 4 children instead of 2 - with my dad I don't mind as he is unwell, but my mother is just bone idle.  Expects to be waited on hand and foot and doesn't really interact with the DC.  Professes to love them and miss them ALL THE TIME and says things like "I can't wait for a cuddle" but then just doesn't - even when DC1 was jumping at her the other day, clearly wanting to interact, she was asking him not to. She basically doesn't know how to be a mother, which is not her fault given her own mother abandoned her, but it does make it very hard and when she tried to hug me on sunday I just froze and didn't want it.  My dad does interact with the DC, just physically finds it hard but at least he tries.  So this does not help my anxiety levels, then I feel guilty because they will be gone tomorrow and not sure when I'll see them again.
  • QueenJessQueenJess Forumite
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     Ha - so just to taunt me, I spent 5 hours (yes that’s right) trying to get DD to sleep last night. I haven’t the faintest clue what it was all about - some mix of teething and brain development I suspect. Of course she’s been grumpy and annoying all day and haven’t been able to put her down.

    2.5 hours of sleep for me and I can barely concentrate on walking from one room to another…

    Anyway, just showing some solidarity as it’s not just you, although of course I’m not at work, so a small upside for me.
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  • astrocytic_kittenastrocytic_kitten Forumite
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    Rebecca you’re under SO MUCH strain. Visitors who expect to be entertained and don’t help with young kids but instead add to your load are, well, not helpful, and that’s before you add in the grief over the change in your Dad and the guilt and stress that comes from them being so far away and every visit being an intense spending lots of time together visit. 

    I hope the doctor’s visit goes well - if you’re anything like me you’ll automatically try to minimise things when talking to them, don’t do that! Try to be brutally honest about what’s going on and that you’re at the end of your tether.
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  • Four_SeasonsFour_Seasons Forumite
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    Hope the meeting with the Doctor went well and you were able to explain just how you feel.  sending you virtual hugs x
  • rugbymadfamilyrugbymadfamily Forumite
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    Hope meeting went well with Doctor and hope you get some relax time once your parents go. Sounds like you have so much on your plate, and just in case you dont hear it enough, you are doing a great job and you're a great mum, that doesn't mean you can't ask for help when you need it thought. Sending hugs xx
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  • RebeccaPearsonRebeccaPearson Forumite
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    @QueenJess - oh no, you poor thing - I hope last night was better?

    Thank you again all of you for your kind words and wishes.  It really does mean a lot.  I feel like I have no one in real life other than hubby as all my close friends work stupid hours and barely have time to breathe.  Plus they have their own stuff going on.  So thank you.

    Saw my GP - he prescribed anti depressants.  I've not yet taken them though.  I feel like I don't want to, even though I probably should.  Referred for counselling but a LONG waiting list, so there is little point.  Might take the AD in a minute and see how it goes.  Still exhausted but DC2 largely slept through last night (a few grumbles which woke us several times but went back to sleep with "shushing"), so a little better today on that front.

    Curve ball of the week - the vendors of house we are under offer on have come back and we are a go, with completion 15 Feb.  DH annoyed that we've not had time to properly investigate UK but I just feel like it is a HUGE task.  We are thinking Devon might not be right due to the schools issue - it's very hit and miss and there are very large catchments.  Then it's like where on earth else do we go, as DH won't go north (which I'd be happy to as I know plenty of areas up there).  And the house we are under offer on here is in a catchment for a really good primary, and the house could be lovely with a bit of re-modelling and updating.  So, anyway, we are having another look on Saturday and have provisionally booked mortgage appointment for monday and our lawyer on notice for then too.  Been getting quote for survey (a friend who did the one on the last house) and working out what we would borrow and what we'd then have left over for work (it is perfectly habitable, but we'd want to re-model to get the kitchen/diner we want and to upgrade bathrooms etc and possibly move the stairs).  Apparently the house the vendors are buying is tenanted and they are moving out, so at least there is no chain to speak of as we are not in one.

    And we could have a dog (though wouldn't get one until the DC are a bit older and less of a handful, basically once DC2 can feed himself and DC1 can dress himself).

    But we still feel flat, especially me.  Because we just feel we've been here before and there is a long way to go.
  • Rebecca, I could very easily be wrong, but I feel like you’ve been here before with GP prescribing antidepressants and you deciding not to take them? (So sorry if I’m wrong, the brain fog is strong in me right now!). They’re not an instant fix and it’s your body and your decision, but they might help you feel better able to cope for a bit in a situation absolutely anyone would struggle in. Situational depression is real depression. I know what it’s like when your friends are all going through tough times and working long hours but I bet they’d hate to know you were struggling and didn’t feel able to reach out.

    Hopefully Saturday will help clarify things on the house one way or another. I’ve been thinking for the past few months about moving either to the country or to a cheaper city that I prefer to my current one, but instead I’ve decided to stay put even though it involves doubling my mortgage and the place I’m buying is liveable but needs some work to get it how I’d like (and I was adamant I didn’t want to do any major work). 

    What people told me while I was undecided and stressed by not knowing what to do was that there was no wrong decision here - I’d either get to stay here with my friends / support network / not have to start from scratch finding new hairdresser/friends/medical team etc…or I’d move elsewhere and have a nicer, bigger cheaper place to live and a fresh start. It’s especially hard when you and DH are leaning different ways, but I was getting all caught up in trying to protect against every possible future downfall and find the perfect solution that would not have any downsides and solve all issues. And that doesn’t exist. Hopefully Saturday will give you either a yes this is for us feeling, or a no we need to look at the UK one.
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  • ohdearhowdidthathappenohdearhowdidthathappen Forumite
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    Sorry to hear you've been having a tough time. 
    Just a thought with the sleeping, could you and DH take turns to be 'on duty' at night and the other one gets a good night's sleep?  We used to do that sometime when ours were ill or something.  That way there's always a fully functioning adult and the other one knows there's a night of sleep ahead the next day!  
    You clearly adore your children and I wouldn't fear turning out like you Mum/Gran.  Sometimes, much as we love our kids, parenting is hard and relentless and with everything else on your plate, it's no wonder you feel down.  
    The housing thing is tricky.  From what you've said, the main draw to the UK is the potential to be mortgage free quicker... I'm not sure that would be enough for me personally if you like everything else about where you currently are.  Would being away from family and friends affect your mental health further?  The viewing Saturday will hopefully clarify it one way or the other for you.  Take care x
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