Curbing the ridiculous

QueenJess

[Deleted User] said:

@QueenJess - oh no, you poor thing - I hope last night was better?

Thank you again all of you for your kind words and wishes.  It really does mean a lot.  I feel like I have no one in real life other than hubby as all my close friends work stupid hours and barely have time to breathe.  Plus they have their own stuff going on.  So thank you.

Saw my GP - he prescribed anti depressants.  I've not yet taken them though.  I feel like I don't want to, even though I probably should.  Referred for counselling but a LONG waiting list, so there is little point.  Might take the AD in a minute and see how it goes.  Still exhausted but DC2 largely slept through last night (a few grumbles which woke us several times but went back to sleep with "shushing"), so a little better today on that front.

Yes, thankfully it got better, but am on edge now in case it happens again! Lots of teething fun right now.

If the doctor prescribed AD’s then I would take them.

Does the house thing have to be a forever decision? Why can’t you do what makes sense for now and if 5 years down the line you decide to move then so be it?

Jellytotts

Moving house is already stressful enough but the thought of moving into somewhere you're both not on board with, on top of young kids and low mood/depression is going to be a tough ride.

If you both know that this isn't the right move after you've looked again on Saturday, then just pull out. That's one thing off your plate.  Take the anti depressants so that they can start to do their job (it won't be a quick fix).  Have a calm and quiet Christmas with the kids and put off the house move discussion until the new year.

There are plenty of places in the uk that would be perfect for you and the schools might not look great on paper but might be ideal for your kids.  Why not rent in the Uk for 6 months/ a year in an area you like the look of and then work out from there where you want to put down firm roots.  Chances are you'll want to move again before the kids are of secondary age depending on those school catchments too. 

Buying a house that's not right and doing major work (moving staircases) with young children isn't going to be pleasurable. Enjoy a simpler life whilst they're young and worry about the building work when you're all able to cope.  I've done complete house renovations with a 4 and 2 year old and never, ever again.  I feel I missed a good couple of years of their lives due to always stressing/cleaning/working/making the house safe....it was the end of my first marriage too as we just couldn't cope with the overwhelm of everything.

You're in a fantastic position, you've got 2 healthy (on the whole) kids, a loving husband and MIL for support, you've both got good jobs.  Enjoy that.  Find a simple new home, either bought or rented, either there or here and just be, just be there as the kids grow up and just get your mental health back in order.  

moving_forward

Hello lurker here.
This is no way medical advice and should not be taken as such but my experience is as follows:
I have been on anti depressants for a few years and they have helped hugely. They are not a magic wand but they do certainly take the edge off my depression and GAD. Some times are harder than others but in the whole life is much better with them. 
They don't work as an as and when type medicine like paracetamol for a headache you have to take them continually. They can make you a bit sluggish and nauseated for a couple of days but this does go so please try and stick with it but your doctor can make changes if the type you have really doesn't suit you. 
They aren't a be all and end all but will help if you let them. Any worries please discuss with your doctor as they are best placed to advise you.
Good luck and hang on in there. It is ok not to be ok you know and asking for help is the hardest part 💕

[Deleted User]

@astrocytic_kitten, yes you are right, we have been here before with the AD's, several times in fact!  I think I'm just not very good at taking medication for a problem which is silly really because as you say, situational depression IS still depression!

How did you finally make peace with your decision re moving?  What made you finally decide?  And you're right - there is no wrong decision as such.  I think, for me, the big things wanting to keep me here are family and friends, and also our jobs.  DH is already grumbling he's unhappy in his role and if we moved, he'd either have to suck it up, or get another job in uk and there's no way he'd be able to get the same salary.  Same with me.  And here we are much more future proof in terms of earnings.  

[Deleted User]

@ohdearhowdidthathappen - we have tried that but it just doesn't seem to work - I think probably because we are crammed into this flat so there is kind of no getting away from it!!!  I'm up now (as is DH) as DC2 woke crying and we can't get back to sleep.

Yes, I do worry about us being isolated - particularly as we would be working from home so wouldn't have an opportunity to make friends in the workplace like you normally would in a new area.  Plus I am not very good at making friends generally.

[Deleted User]

@QueenJess - glad to hear it, though know what you mean about being on edge for it happening again!!

I guess it doesn't, but it's obvs a lot of cost to move in terms of add-ons like stamp duty etc.  I think if we were to re-visit it would be when DC about to start high school.  We have for years talked about moving to France and I did say to DH the other day, maybe we stay here until DC have finished school then look at retiring to France.

[Deleted User]

@Jellytotts - thank you, those are wise words.  

@moving_forward - thank you, good advice.  

[Deleted User]

So today hasn't been too bad.  Had to go to tax office to get my 2018/2019 final assessments for our application Monday.  DC1 was at his nursery party so walked with DC2 so had a good long walk (as went to wrong place first!) which I think has helped with things as it was nice fresh air and exercise.  Spent £12.15 in M7S on 2 x boxes of chocs for DC2's nursery workers, some raspberries for the DC and some beans.  Then £4.29 on milk.

Big spend on xmas presents today - got FIL a beer subscription which is £58 in total - a trial for £10 including 4 beers and a glass, then 2 months of 8 beers a month (but not payable until jan and feb).  For Step MIL ordered some wine.  Ordered wine for my parents and a bottle of gin for them and my brother/SIL.  So we are well over this month and still have this weekend's food shop to go.  But, only over due to the trip away so not too bad on the whole.  New budget from Monday and we have decided not to eat out on xmas eve lunch or boxing day due to Omnicron, so that will probably save us about £200!

Dad gave me a cheque for just shy of 1k for xmas (not sure why he didn't put it in an envelope to open xmas day but!), DH's dad gave him £300 and I got a £50 amazon voucher from work.  Then DH hoping he gets his usual £500 xmas bonus.  So we are not in a bad position despite the spending.

DH looking at poly tunnels for the new house(!).  He is under orders NOT to order one until it has completed (if it does).

Paperwork received from agent today so been completing that and gathering everything we need for mortgage application.  So now just got to wait and see what happens on Saturday!

astrocytic_kitten

[Deleted User] said:

@astrocytic_kitten, yes you are right, we have been here before with the AD's, several times in fact!  I think I'm just not very good at taking medication for a problem which is silly really because as you say, situational depression IS still depression!

How did you finally make peace with your decision re moving?  What made you finally decide?  And you're right - there is no wrong decision as such.  I think, for me, the big things wanting to keep me here are family and friends, and also our jobs.  DH is already grumbling he's unhappy in his role and if we moved, he'd either have to suck it up, or get another job in uk and there's no way he'd be able to get the same salary.  Same with me.  And here we are much more future proof in terms of earnings.  

Weirdly enough, it’s a similar situation to you - one of my neighbours (I’m in a flat) who has always been a nightmare got much worse and I’m feeling quite anxious and tense at home. I love where I live now and nothing was matching up to it, but I think the feeling of just needing to get out helped with the final push to make a decision.

I’d viewed quite a few places elsewhere and made a couple of offers but agonised over the pros and cons of the places and if I should offer and been slightly relieved when I lost out…whereas with this place I just had a gut feeling that it was right and decided to offer straight away, despite it not matching half my criteria. It matches the important stuff and is close to friends, and also means I’m not reliant on working remotely. I’ve had the odd wobble since about things I’ll miss about my current flat / location, and things I’d hoped to get in a new place but don’t have, but it’s been more of a wobble than a feeling that I’ve made the wrong decision. Also, shortly after having the offer accepted I was very ill and had some friends rally round and bring me food / pick up prescriptions, which really made me realise how much of a support network I’d give up.

[Deleted User]

@astrocytic_kitten - I do think the gut is a good indicator to follow, it's normally right.  When do you complete on the new place?

Well, we went to see the house again yesterday and were completely blown away - I think on the first viewing we probably weren't paying attention properly because we thought it was just going to be another disappointment.  But yesterday, we really paid attention to everything and absolutely loved it.  There is SO MUCH SPACE and it could be a really lovely house with a bit of TLC.  We have made a decision not to move the stairs, but we will go for an orangery kitchen/diner but, given builder availability, that will probably start in 18-24 months time and it's not an extension, just re-purposing what is already there and we wouldn't need to move out.

Met the owners and their daughter who were just lovely so really really hoping this all comes off now and we can complete as we just think we will be really happy there.  I woke up in the night and got up for 3 hours as couldn't sleep.  Started crying and realised it is because I feel at peace.  I told DH and he said that it was the first time he's woken up since we sold our house, not worrying.

We needs eggs, bread and milk today and then drawing a line under this month's spending and have told DH we really do HAVE to be more frugal going forwards as there is lots we want to do to the house (apart from the kitchen diner it's pretty cosmetic only - apart from changing the bathrooms but that can wait) and thankfully DH is very good at DIY and I am going to learn - rather than watching tv after the kids go to bed we will do an hour or more if energy maybe 3 nights a week