The Best View Comes After the Hardest Climb.

milann

Your time will come - don’t give up. 

beanielou

Keep- plodding  xx

Buffythedebtslayer

Evening all, 

Results day, it was lovely to see the kids, Really lovely. Also to see my work friends and talk about work stuff and politics and not constantly about how hot or cold it is or if windows are open or shut or what is for dinner. And whether the dogs need a wee. 

I felt quite smart again. 

No movement on the conservatory, Spent the morning at work, came home, made lunch and then got a headache, from the not eating well all day - no breakfast and no drinks of any kind till 1.30 not a plan. I napped for ages
Then woke up, did my walk, well part of it, made dinner, more walking and finally got the 10,000! I was thinking today about why I am not more motivated to sort the house and I came to the conclusion that I enjoy doing stuff for other people, helping, sorting, whatever. And this house thing is just for me, mum doesn't care, she is too ill, no one will see it apart from me and I just can't seem to motivate myself to do it for me? Does anyone else have this problem? I almost feel guilty for doing it, in no I do feel guilty for doing it. creating all this change, upset. I don't feel like I am worth it or that it is worth it. I know that sounds nuts. But it was the conclusion I came to on my walk. Or at least, not that I am not worth it but that it won't make a lot of difference. I don't know I am rambling cos I am tired. 

However I feel about it rationally it has to be done, I cannot go back to work with three out of the six rooms in the house still unusable. IF I sort the house out, it would mean mum and I would no longer just have the living room to sit in, it might be possible for Mum to use the spare room to dress in and put make on in etc, she could also use the laptop up there and things would be a little less cluttered and she would like that. It would also encourage movement on her part!
I would like to have the conservatory as my place. 

enough rambling. XXXX 

WinterWarrior

Yes! When I lived near family they visited for a meal every weekend and my friends would occasionally pop in through the week, so my house was always lovely and tidy. Now I live too far away for that I just can’t be bothered keeping it nice just for me. It hardly seems worth the effort of hours of cleaning, just for it to get messy again and no one ever see it. It often feels so ‘what’s the point?’, so I totally get where you’re coming from. 

Buffythedebtslayer

WinterWarrior said:

Yes! When I lived near family they visited for a meal every weekend and my friends would occasionally pop in through the week, so my house was always lovely and tidy. Now I live too far away for that I just can’t be bothered keeping it nice just for me. It hardly seems worth the effort of hours of cleaning, just for it to get messy again and no one ever see it. It often feels so ‘what’s the point?’, so I totally get where you’re coming from. 

Yes, exactly this. So weird isn't it! I mean I have practically talked myself into doing it "for Mum" even tho I know she won't care as for the same reasons we have said, no one comes over so why bother. However it would be safer.

I am also convincing myself that it would be a lot less stress for me when things need fixing or we have the district nurse round, I wouldn't need to be ashamed. And I am. 

xxx

WinterWarrior

Me too Buffy. When an engineer came round to fix the broadband I could have died of shame…and that was after frantically tidying my office! But, my husband doesn’t care enough to do it and I get a bit disgruntled doing it for both of us, so rarely do! 

Jellytotts

Do it for yourself, do it to know that it will help when you move out. Do it to have some pride in your home and your belongings.  But most importantly do it because it will make your life easier. And you have enough on your plate with work, your Mum and the mini petting zoo you're forming there.  Having the house tidy and sorted for good would be one more thing off your list.

From memory it seems like sorting the house has been on your list every set of holidays for years. Once it's done properly you'll never have to have it tying you down each summer again.  

I have been getting rid of "obligations" in the past 6 months or so, projects that I wanted to tackle, crafts I'd have started, stuff that sat there mocking me for not using it....all gone. It made me feel so much better.

crazy_cat_lady

Hey Buffster
Guess what I've been doing for the past 3 hours? I have been catching up on your diary. 
That's how far behind I am with everything on here. And I don't know why I've let it slip because I find being on these groups and diaries so motivating.
Sounds like a real rollercoaster of a time for you at the moment. And I completely understand putting yourself at the bottom of your own priority list. It happens when we don't value ourselves as much as we should - and I am as guilty of this as anyone else in the world. I am a people pleaser, and most of it stems from my childhood experiences, then marrying a man like my dad in spite of my best attempts not to. I don't know the way out of it - because if I could be kinder to myself then I would. But please bear in mind that you wouldn't treat your friends the way that you treat yourself.
Much love to you Buffy. My changes this week are making sure I'm on here more often so expect to hear a bit more from me.

Buffythedebtslayer

WinterWarrior said:

Me too Buffy. When an engineer came round to fix the broadband I could have died of shame…and that was after frantically tidying my office! But, my husband doesn’t care enough to do it and I get a bit disgruntled doing it for both of us, so rarely do! 

Yep! I find it difficult to motivate myself and in my case the criticism from mum is quite unreal. You see Jellytotts is correct, the house is always on the list as despite my best efforts it ends up a terrible mess, mainly and I don't care how bad this sounds because of mum and her total lack of organisation to start with. Growing up I remember tidying up the bathroom, cleaning it as it made her unhappy. She is a cupboard shover and I am not. I remember being so surprised at uni, and when I lived away after how things stayed tidy, I was really skint so I didn't buy much and so it didn't take much tidying up. When I came home, essentially I just made my stuff fit or packed it in the shed, I get rid of things all the time(have eight bags for charity shop waiting to go) but aside from the last two years Mum buys loads of things, and she has a right to, I am not saying she shouldn't but she never gets rid of anything. The house just fills up and then I am terrible for buying things for the animals, that takes up space, I gave away all my old cages during lockdown, I have reused or given away the first lot of rabbit stuff, but take tonight, I am worried about mum, she hasn't been eating properly whilst I have been going out so I bought a dress from Amazon.....the piggies have new beds for winter..... that I ordered last time I was stressed.  Obviously the thing to do whilst stressing out. 

Since BIL got sick and my sister doesn't come round mum doesn't care about the state of the house she is too depressed. And so it gets worse. Especially since she never goes away now, I don't get to gut anything, And I do understand, when I cleared the shed she got very unsettled with how much I gave away even tho it was my stuff. She is the opposite of me in many ways although we have a similar temperament.

The shed is now mostly full of empty plastic boxes and waiting for my final sort of my stuff. 

Buffythedebtslayer

Jellytotts said:

Do it for yourself, do it to know that it will help when you move out. Do it to have some pride in your home and your belongings.  But most importantly do it because it will make your life easier. And you have enough on your plate with work, your Mum and the mini petting zoo you're forming there.  Having the house tidy and sorted for good would be one more thing off your list.

From memory it seems like sorting the house has been on your list every set of holidays for years. Once it's done properly you'll never have to have it tying you down each summer again.  

I have been getting rid of "obligations" in the past 6 months or so, projects that I wanted to tackle, crafts I'd have started, stuff that sat there mocking me for not using it....all gone. It made me feel so much better.

thanks Jellytotts XXX mini petting zoo, you aren't wrong there !