The Best View Comes After the Hardest Climb.

Buffythedebtslayer

crazy_cat_lady said:

Hey Buffster
Guess what I've been doing for the past 3 hours? I have been catching up on your diary. 
That's how far behind I am with everything on here. And I don't know why I've let it slip because I find being on these groups and diaries so motivating.
Sounds like a real rollercoaster of a time for you at the moment. And I completely understand putting yourself at the bottom of your own priority list. It happens when we don't value ourselves as much as we should - and I am as guilty of this as anyone else in the world. I am a people pleaser, and most of it stems from my childhood experiences, then marrying a man like my dad in spite of my best attempts not to. I don't know the way out of it - because if I could be kinder to myself then I would. But please bear in mind that you wouldn't treat your friends the way that you treat yourself.
Much love to you Buffy. My changes this week are making sure I'm on here more often so expect to hear a bit more from me.

3 hours, crikey I do go on! 
And I know what you mean by if you knew a way out you would take it.

So much love to you CCL XXXX

Buffythedebtslayer

I went and saw my three best friends in the world yesterday. It was awesome. I was worried about the conversation and how it would work but actually it was bloody hilarious, I should have known better, we all know each other so well, so many stories, so many questions and just oh it was such a massive tonic. and their children are lovely, so lovely. 

Unfortunately I was soon brought down to earth when I came home. She hadn't eaten at all, be did eat dinner with me and then again this morning she didn't have breakfast whilst I was at the hairdressers, hair is amazing by the way. wouldn't eat lunch, did eat dinner but has been down on everything, until I gave up and stopped being positive and then asked me what was wrong. ermmmmmmmm well.................

Any how today was haircut, like it a lot. planned my week whilst the dye was on. decided I would have this afternoon  "off" sort of back fired as my nap went on longer than it should have. Did my walk, made dinner, watched two episodes of Silent Witness,  waiting for mum to go to bed so I can have a quiet drink and a bit of netflix XX

Sun_Addict

I’m glad you enjoyed the catch up with your friends, sounds like it was just what you needed. I know that feeling only too well of being brought back down to earth with a bump when you get back home after a lovely day out. You need to plan another nice day now, give you something to look forward to.

Willowtree222

The catch up sounds perfect and exactly what you needed. 
I wish there was help and support for the things with your mum. Hoping she eats a bit better today. 

Glad you like the hair. I should have had mine done but didn't book in! I am notorious for doing that! 

x

Buffythedebtslayer

Morning xx 

I only had a small can of Pimms, but it has made me feel terrible, stomach ache, headache, shaky!!! Such a shame as it was lovely last night. Had fruit in it and everything!

Just googled and it is gin based!! I didn't know, no wonder. Mind you I have drank it before and not felt this ropey. Still I think possibly before I was more practised with the drinking (barely had any alcohol as from going to the pub once this holiday) and probably feeling better generally. I am not sleeping or really eating properly at the moment. I really want to go back to work. I need the routine. 

Anyhow got the washing on. Put some away. Got to make house progress today. Also need to clean everyone out, never got round to it the other day. 

Am watching Match of the Day. Lets not talk about my team. Totally rubbish start!!

Need to crack on. XX 

Buffythedebtslayer

What a rotten day. 

I think it is the contrast between the previous few days and today. Mum is always miserable and normally I can deal with that but we argued about the heating, she is always cold and I am always hot, Currently she is cold and I am comfortable! She wants a plant planted and is going on about it, doesn't want to have wasted money on it(what like all the plants I have bought you???), wants me to do it now, has the hump cos I am going for a walk, is now (after sitting in silence for most of the afternoon) watching a garden make over programme, so will now moan about the state of the garden. 

And this is what it is always like, I just think having spent time with people who love me for me and just enjoy my company and don't judge me every minute of the day it makes me really realise what my life has become, how much I protect myself living here and how bone chillingly miserable I am. My friends all talked about crying during the pandemic, how difficult and emotional it was but honestly all I do is get headaches and go to bed. 

Oh dear. 
I am going for a walk. 

When I come back I will start dinner, plant the bloody plant so she can stop going on about it and try not to watch tv, instead sort through some bags. At least Alan Titchmarsh is making her laugh. 

Wish me luck XX 

crazy_cat_lady

Lots of love Buffy. 
I am exhausted just reading how much you do in looking after your mum. 

Sun_Addict

Bigs hugs Buffy. Being a carer is a thankless task. Have you registered yourself as a carer because that’s what you are, you might get some help, maybe get your mum to a day centre one day a week to get her out of the house xx

Willowtree222

Sorry it’s like that so
much Buffy. How was the walk? X

Buffythedebtslayer

thanks XX 

I did my walk. Decided to cook a decent dinner, didn't work out, I mean it was ok but I forgot to take the meat out of the freezer! so yeah.............roast with all the trimming aside from the meat.......so wait for it, we had tinned meat, quite grim. I mean it was edible but mum is quite upset. Hey ho, can't win em all 

SA - I haven't registered as a carer as it would mean my sisters would expect to do everything all the time and it would give work a reason to "help me leave". I don't think she quite gets how much my job will change next term. Plus I am not sure what way it would go with mum - would she take advantage? Would it mean I wouldn't ever be "allowed out"? I really do not know. I don't know how she would see it if it were official. 

Haven't really meal planned. Want to get a delivery on Wednesday. Might book that now. XXX