The Best View Comes After the Hardest Climb.

Buffythedebtslayer

RosaBernicia said:

Buffythedebtslayer said:

RosaBernicia said:

Buffythedebtslayer said:

I think she just finds it hard, she was always in charge and we all spent the time running round doing what she wanted - it was never intentional and I suspect before I came along the balance was different in the family- different times and different rules/expectations and slowly it has evolved into this. 

Hey ho. I do hate all this self reflection. I bore myself thinking about it. 

I feel like I am getting a cold. Totally paranoid it is Omnicom. I must put on the turkey. 

The reflection is useful to help understand how things come about and what they are, but understanding how something came about doesn't fix it.  There comes a point where you have to say 'ok but that wasn't my fault and isn't my responsibility and so I am putting a boundary here and this is how it will be from now on' .  At least that's what I'm finding.  I can't possibly and shouldn't be expected to fix things that have run down generations - I'm only responsible for changing me. 

Yes, that is true, I have worked out so many times why my family treat each other the way they do, and in around 2013/14 when I broke up with a man who broke my heart I decided to make the best of things with them as I partly felt they were all I had, I was lucky to have such good friends and it was pointless to hope they would morph into different people, I was never going to have the relationship with I wanted or witnessed with other people's families, I mean some of my friends love this holiday as it is a chance to see people they love.......this is alien to me. That did work for a while, my life my politics, my ideas, it all stopped "at home" and lived fully outside of the house with friends, my job, the animals (!) I was happy more or less, but then when my brother in law got so ill and life stopped for 18 months and then not long after covid happened and the strain of the fakery the shallow worries (sorry but when you work with extremely poor children first world problems are simply that) and the hiding of big problems, the responsibility for everything but not making the decisions,  it all gets too much. My ability to manage from before has worn thin without seeing friends and finally realising that I won't own a house without a miracle. I need to have a different approach now. 

this was written whilst trying to sort out dinner... I now have to boil sprouts to death, please excuse me. 

Sounds similar to some of my situation - I had periodically reviewed things and set limits, but pandemic and other issues increased demands on a relationship that has never had good foundations and I have had enough.  It is a transition, it's hard, but at least it is clean and honest and I am hoping things will be better on the other side.  I hope you find a solution too. 

Thank you . I hope yours works out too. XXX 

Buffythedebtslayer

On to more cheerful things. I am enjoying Around the world in 80 Days with David Tenant. Dinner was a success. Lots left for tomorrow and probably Tuesday too!! 

I need to clear up but my head. Wow. Half a glass of red wine and it is agony. It has been the headache I have had since yesterday but the onset of pain post wine. Very odd. 

Willowtree222

Jellytotts said:

I've not heard of this author or books but I must admit my mind set has been this way since DH had his accident 12 years ago.  One day, after he'd had a pretty naff meeting with the neuro team at Kings, his so called best friend called round to borrow some money. When we explained we just couldn't manage it he said "but you have an overdaft and I'm really broke....you can spare £50".... when I explained nicely that we didn't know what our situation was going to be going forward as it was unlikely DH would be unable to go back to work, he replied with "oh I thought you were just putting it on for the compo".   From that day forward we stopped doing anything for anyone unless we wanted to.  We learnt how to say no.  We learnt how to put ourselves first.  We worked a way forward to making sure that our lives were going to be manageable.   At times there have been hiccups,  my mum was in hospital in London for 6 weeks following a brain haemorrhage and Dad fell apart, we picked him up, helped him sort stuff and sat in the sidelines as support.  We did what we could but we still put ourselves first.  No one else will.  Make the life you want happen.  It's so liberating.

I had to sell my first house due to divorce and didn't get back on the property ladder until I was 38, 10 years on we are virtually mortgage free by living life for us. But we had to jump in and take a few risks but they paid off and we've lived a very frugal lifestyle in order to get to the position we are in now.  Only you can make the changes, you just need to find the courage for that first step.

What you found is what she talks a lot about in her books. That people spend time doing so much for others that when we are faced with it, others don’t return the same courtesy. How rude of this person to assume that. 

I read the first book and gave it to my neighbour. It’s changed her too. We both laugh now at how different we are and interesting the people that have issues with it are the ones who are the most selfish and demanding of our time.

Hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas. 

X

Buffythedebtslayer

The rabbits were super excited to have sprout leaves and a two slices of carrot. I had a disaster with their aviary. I swear it is cursed. I cannot believe I am saying this but it might need a rebuild. I built an extension at the end of the summer, but the roof, welll.... It was made out of panels and pond liner. Which was fine in theory but I didn't slant it enough, rainwater has gathered, split the panel  and partly split the liner (!) and has been pouring out in to the main aviary, the notfoster buns have half their area soaked . My two are fine. Smallest bun is still indoors. Her area is ok out there but very small, was hoping to put her in the extension...... 

I am waiting for the dishwasher to finish. Otherwise I would 100% be off to bed. Head has subsided. 

I have a vague idea of saving 8000 and paying off the 8000 I owe (already overpaid a 100) in 2022.... 

[Deleted User]

Sorry you've had a poo time Buffy.  I, too, crave that family love others seem to have - it's not like that in our house either.  I've ordered the book too.  Here's hoping 2022 is better for all

Buffythedebtslayer

I am SO happy Christmas is OVER. 

WOW. 

Do you know what I did today? I got up, painkillers etc for Mum, but I went to the rabbits and gave them a fuss, I picked grass for the guinea pigs and in door bun (who weirdly doesn't like it!) I got to fuss the piggies and I am currently drinking a cup of tea and having shortbread biscuits for breakfast! 

I have put the dishwasher on and the washing machine but today is just going to be relaxing and doing stuff I like. 

Buffythedebtslayer

Willowtree222 said:

Jellytotts said:

I've not heard of this author or books but I must admit my mind set has been this way since DH had his accident 12 years ago.  One day, after he'd had a pretty naff meeting with the neuro team at Kings, his so called best friend called round to borrow some money. When we explained we just couldn't manage it he said "but you have an overdaft and I'm really broke....you can spare £50".... when I explained nicely that we didn't know what our situation was going to be going forward as it was unlikely DH would be unable to go back to work, he replied with "oh I thought you were just putting it on for the compo".   From that day forward we stopped doing anything for anyone unless we wanted to.  We learnt how to say no.  We learnt how to put ourselves first.  We worked a way forward to making sure that our lives were going to be manageable.   At times there have been hiccups,  my mum was in hospital in London for 6 weeks following a brain haemorrhage and Dad fell apart, we picked him up, helped him sort stuff and sat in the sidelines as support.  We did what we could but we still put ourselves first.  No one else will.  Make the life you want happen.  It's so liberating.

I had to sell my first house due to divorce and didn't get back on the property ladder until I was 38, 10 years on we are virtually mortgage free by living life for us. But we had to jump in and take a few risks but they paid off and we've lived a very frugal lifestyle in order to get to the position we are in now.  Only you can make the changes, you just need to find the courage for that first step.

What you found is what she talks a lot about in her books. That people spend time doing so much for others that when we are faced with it, others don’t return the same courtesy. How rude of this person to assume that. 

I read the first book and gave it to my neighbour. It’s changed her too. We both laugh now at how different we are and interesting the people that have issues with it are the ones who are the most selfish and demanding of our time.

Hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas. 

X

Which book do you recommend Willow? I got a bit lost on the big River site. 

Willowtree222

Buffythedebtslayer said:

Willowtree222 said:

Jellytotts said:

I've not heard of this author or books but I must admit my mind set has been this way since DH had his accident 12 years ago.  One day, after he'd had a pretty naff meeting with the neuro team at Kings, his so called best friend called round to borrow some money. When we explained we just couldn't manage it he said "but you have an overdaft and I'm really broke....you can spare £50".... when I explained nicely that we didn't know what our situation was going to be going forward as it was unlikely DH would be unable to go back to work, he replied with "oh I thought you were just putting it on for the compo".   From that day forward we stopped doing anything for anyone unless we wanted to.  We learnt how to say no.  We learnt how to put ourselves first.  We worked a way forward to making sure that our lives were going to be manageable.   At times there have been hiccups,  my mum was in hospital in London for 6 weeks following a brain haemorrhage and Dad fell apart, we picked him up, helped him sort stuff and sat in the sidelines as support.  We did what we could but we still put ourselves first.  No one else will.  Make the life you want happen.  It's so liberating.

I had to sell my first house due to divorce and didn't get back on the property ladder until I was 38, 10 years on we are virtually mortgage free by living life for us. But we had to jump in and take a few risks but they paid off and we've lived a very frugal lifestyle in order to get to the position we are in now.  Only you can make the changes, you just need to find the courage for that first step.

What you found is what she talks a lot about in her books. That people spend time doing so much for others that when we are faced with it, others don’t return the same courtesy. How rude of this person to assume that. 

I read the first book and gave it to my neighbour. It’s changed her too. We both laugh now at how different we are and interesting the people that have issues with it are the ones who are the most selfish and demanding of our time.

Hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas. 

X

Which book do you recommend Willow? I got a bit lost on the big River site. 

It’s by the same author. It’s called “the life changing magic of not giving a f*ck” it’s enlightening. I can honestly say I’ve changed my perception in a way that better for me and even better it’s without the guilt. 

My neighbour did the same after reading it x

Buffythedebtslayer

Willowtree222 said:

Buffythedebtslayer said:

Willowtree222 said:

Jellytotts said:

I've not heard of this author or books but I must admit my mind set has been this way since DH had his accident 12 years ago.  One day, after he'd had a pretty naff meeting with the neuro team at Kings, his so called best friend called round to borrow some money. When we explained we just couldn't manage it he said "but you have an overdaft and I'm really broke....you can spare £50".... when I explained nicely that we didn't know what our situation was going to be going forward as it was unlikely DH would be unable to go back to work, he replied with "oh I thought you were just putting it on for the compo".   From that day forward we stopped doing anything for anyone unless we wanted to.  We learnt how to say no.  We learnt how to put ourselves first.  We worked a way forward to making sure that our lives were going to be manageable.   At times there have been hiccups,  my mum was in hospital in London for 6 weeks following a brain haemorrhage and Dad fell apart, we picked him up, helped him sort stuff and sat in the sidelines as support.  We did what we could but we still put ourselves first.  No one else will.  Make the life you want happen.  It's so liberating.

I had to sell my first house due to divorce and didn't get back on the property ladder until I was 38, 10 years on we are virtually mortgage free by living life for us. But we had to jump in and take a few risks but they paid off and we've lived a very frugal lifestyle in order to get to the position we are in now.  Only you can make the changes, you just need to find the courage for that first step.

What you found is what she talks a lot about in her books. That people spend time doing so much for others that when we are faced with it, others don’t return the same courtesy. How rude of this person to assume that. 

I read the first book and gave it to my neighbour. It’s changed her too. We both laugh now at how different we are and interesting the people that have issues with it are the ones who are the most selfish and demanding of our time.

Hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas. 

X

Which book do you recommend Willow? I got a bit lost on the big River site. 

It’s by the same author. It’s called “the life changing magic of not giving a f*ck” it’s enlightening. I can honestly say I’ve changed my perception in a way that better for me and even better it’s without the guilt. 

My neighbour did the same after reading it x

I read the reviews for get your !!!!!! together and some said it was a rehash of her older stuff. I sort of feel like I did the self help thing but it did help at the time. 

I shall have a look. XX 

Buffythedebtslayer

I made a small fry up. It was lovely. 
XX