The Best View Comes After the Hardest Climb.

Buffythedebtslayer

Sun_Addict said:

RosaBernicia said:

Oh Buffy I'm so sorry they couldn't manage to appreciate you on Christmas Day of all flaming things! 

2022 Get Your S*** Together challenge, anyone?  Definitely needed in this neck of the woods too...

Oh we definitely need one of those 🤣

The book is 3.99 on Amazon................:) 

Sun_Addict

Sorry to hear your family are so unappreciative. You should just drop your mum off then go and have a day to yourself, let them get on with it. Unfortunately, as I’ve found out, the more you do the less you’re appreciated. 

mothernerd

Oh yes please. I am staying at home again today (phoning mum daily and I've [passed on the advice about what she should and shouldn't do). I was trying to go but not having to is such a relief. Utterly grateful for my last 2 shopping trips (balancing baskets on my walker) and bless the ys shelf. 

So far I haven't cooked anything, have eaten raw broccoli, wholemeal wraps (with the hard bit torn off), lots of pasta salad (this morning it was with sweet potato falafel) and the odd cake and one pack of crisp (and a few dunkers), and 2/3of a jar of pickles and the juice (made my sore throat better and helped with digestion regulation). Just had 2 pieces of lemon cake (wasn't available for the food order coming on Wednesday)/ Didn't want it to go off (reduced from £1.15 to45p)

I had suggested to DS3 that we get takeaway on Christmas Eve (I eat half a meal with as many extra veg as I can stuff in) but he hummed and aah'd and then told me yesterday that they didn't seem to be open. Quel surprise! I did suggest he make himself some of the Christmas tree potato shapes and festive chicken nuggets I picked up in Icyland (just throw it on a tray and put it in the oven - we have some N*ndooo's sauce to make it special.

I have cooked and sliced a leg of lamb but really don't feel up to making a 'dinner' yet - having problems getting up and downstairs more than once a day. Have some easy veg options for when I do feel like it (and found the box of kitchen stuff I told Ds3 to 'rescue' and one of my good steamers is in there which will help).

I've slept lots, read, ate when I felt like it and done a little bit of tidying and sorting from time to time. I also felt that I 'should' feel guilty on Christmas Eve but I didn't. DS2 had been to see his grandma first and had done all the wiping of handles I'd suggested. He obviously didn't have any concerns about her health. We had food in the house and I just thought 'done what I needed to' and then relaxed completely and slept on and off for the rest of Christmas Eve and up to lunch time yesterday. 

DS1's wife posted pictures of DS1 and DS2 and their partners and my grandpuppy (slightly overexcited - first photo was them all sitting on the couch and puppy must have decided at the last minute to investigate the camera so it's a picture of him with little bits of people at the top and at either side.

Would have been lovely but it was always high risk and I'm quite glad it didn't happen'

I remember seeing a Ted talk and some quotes from the first Sarah Knight book (The life changing magic of not giving a F***) and liked what I observed (but a bit - I'm going to have to practice and ease into this - I'm 63 and still don't swear in front of my mother). This is book number 5 apparently - a quick look at amazon shows them in sets but individual 2nd hand ones would be cheaper - will look at wob as I prefer not to use amazon (2 workers died in one shift after being denied sick leave and 4 others recently - allegedly, but it's the Metro which is mostly a 'paper that supported Hitler' clone put out free on buses and trains after their sales dropped in the Northern half of England and Scotland).

Disabled people's action groups took multiple copies from stations when they ran the govt propaganda on Universal Discredit and other benefits last summer (was it last summer or the one before - we've been under siege/ quarantine for so long I keep thinking such and such was a year ago and a moment later or was it 2 years ago.

Time away from mum was much needed (I am going to continue doing what I need to, to support her whilst maintaining the fiction that she can take look after herself but need to do much more to protect my own physical and mental health). Yesterday I was relaxed, peaceful and quiet (I enjoyed watching the birds sizing the bare trees up as possible nesting sites). Today I actually woke up hopeful, with the beginnings of pleasurable anticipation.

I have been writing lists - setting goals was part of my CBT 'homework' so I've been playing around and fleshing some things out. I'm coming to the end of some old notebooks and am starting the new ones (75p down from £3) and have one that is for mood monitoring - so the mood bit is being mood, food and water consumption, 3 entries to a page so may use 2 entries if there's lots to say. It has a bit in the middle for goal setting (14 pages so lots of scope) and can't remember what the final part was, but it was also useful.

I have tried to use one notebook for everything and then start the next but just get in a terrible muddle (especially if I mislay one, or I might be at home and left the notebook at mum's or vice versa) so I'm going to use my accounting training. The book that goes everywhere with me will be my daybook and at the end of the day I will transfer all relevant information to my 'ledgers' - so addresses and website passwords to the address book, project type things to another (family history - jotting things down as mum mentions them but I remember things she doesn't) and lists - routines, things to do, house repairs I need to pay for, minor repairs we can fix ourselves, things to buy (will allow myself to buy one thing off the list each month - may be a duvet, maybe a bag of pegs). This worked well when I needed to save money before - allowing myself a little treat each month meant I didn't feel deprived.

So let's commit to making things much better for ourselves next year, whatever our limitations. Are we seriously starting a thread (need to be careful with the title)? I promise to join in whenever I can (perhaps we could take it in turns running the thread, the way the turtles do) - each month has a different flavour, each person bringing their own strengths and weaknesses). I must be feeling better - I will stop burbling now.

RosaBernicia

Buffythedebtslayer said:

I think she just finds it hard, she was always in charge and we all spent the time running round doing what she wanted - it was never intentional and I suspect before I came along the balance was different in the family- different times and different rules/expectations and slowly it has evolved into this. 

Hey ho. I do hate all this self reflection. I bore myself thinking about it. 

I feel like I am getting a cold. Totally paranoid it is Omnicom. I must put on the turkey. 

The reflection is useful to help understand how things come about and what they are, but understanding how something came about doesn't fix it.  There comes a point where you have to say 'ok but that wasn't my fault and isn't my responsibility and so I am putting a boundary here and this is how it will be from now on' .  At least that's what I'm finding.  I can't possibly and shouldn't be expected to fix things that have run down generations - I'm only responsible for changing me. 

RosaBernicia

Buffythedebtslayer said:

Sun_Addict said:

RosaBernicia said:

Oh Buffy I'm so sorry they couldn't manage to appreciate you on Christmas Day of all flaming things! 

2022 Get Your S*** Together challenge, anyone?  Definitely needed in this neck of the woods too...

Oh we definitely need one of those 🤣

The book is 3.99 on Amazon................:) 

Ordered   (the journal)

CRANKY40

I already have the book. My son bought it for me as a mother's day present the year after I really hurt my leg and nobody came to help us. He said it was time that I stopped knocking myself out doing things for people that were so self centred and selfish that they wouldn't call round when I had a serious injury. He was 14 at the time but he had a point. Just the rest of my life to work on now. 

Willowtree222

I’ve done the Sarah knight stuff and it’s liberating. I read her first book ‘The life changing magic of not giving a f*ck’ and wow it changed my view. 

Jellytotts

I've not heard of this author or books but I must admit my mind set has been this way since DH had his accident 12 years ago.  One day, after he'd had a pretty naff meeting with the neuro team at Kings, his so called best friend called round to borrow some money. When we explained we just couldn't manage it he said "but you have an overdaft and I'm really broke....you can spare £50".... when I explained nicely that we didn't know what our situation was going to be going forward as it was unlikely DH would be unable to go back to work, he replied with "oh I thought you were just putting it on for the compo".   From that day forward we stopped doing anything for anyone unless we wanted to.  We learnt how to say no.  We learnt how to put ourselves first.  We worked a way forward to making sure that our lives were going to be manageable.   At times there have been hiccups,  my mum was in hospital in London for 6 weeks following a brain haemorrhage and Dad fell apart, we picked him up, helped him sort stuff and sat in the sidelines as support.  We did what we could but we still put ourselves first.  No one else will.  Make the life you want happen.  It's so liberating.

I had to sell my first house due to divorce and didn't get back on the property ladder until I was 38, 10 years on we are virtually mortgage free by living life for us. But we had to jump in and take a few risks but they paid off and we've lived a very frugal lifestyle in order to get to the position we are in now.  Only you can make the changes, you just need to find the courage for that first step.

Buffythedebtslayer

RosaBernicia said:

Buffythedebtslayer said:

I think she just finds it hard, she was always in charge and we all spent the time running round doing what she wanted - it was never intentional and I suspect before I came along the balance was different in the family- different times and different rules/expectations and slowly it has evolved into this. 

Hey ho. I do hate all this self reflection. I bore myself thinking about it. 

I feel like I am getting a cold. Totally paranoid it is Omnicom. I must put on the turkey. 

The reflection is useful to help understand how things come about and what they are, but understanding how something came about doesn't fix it.  There comes a point where you have to say 'ok but that wasn't my fault and isn't my responsibility and so I am putting a boundary here and this is how it will be from now on' .  At least that's what I'm finding.  I can't possibly and shouldn't be expected to fix things that have run down generations - I'm only responsible for changing me. 

Yes, that is true, I have worked out so many times why my family treat each other the way they do, and in around 2013/14 when I broke up with a man who broke my heart I decided to make the best of things with them as I partly felt they were all I had, I was lucky to have such good friends and it was pointless to hope they would morph into different people, I was never going to have the relationship with I wanted or witnessed with other people's families, I mean some of my friends love this holiday as it is a chance to see people they love.......this is alien to me. That did work for a while, my life my politics, my ideas, it all stopped "at home" and lived fully outside of the house with friends, my job, the animals (!) I was happy more or less, but then when my brother in law got so ill and life stopped for 18 months and then not long after covid happened and the strain of the fakery the shallow worries (sorry but when you work with extremely poor children first world problems are simply that) and the hiding of big problems, the responsibility for everything but not making the decisions,  it all gets too much. My ability to manage from before has worn thin without seeing friends and finally realising that I won't own a house without a miracle. I need to have a different approach now. 

this was written whilst trying to sort out dinner... I now have to boil sprouts to death, please excuse me. 

RosaBernicia

Buffythedebtslayer said:

RosaBernicia said:

Buffythedebtslayer said:

I think she just finds it hard, she was always in charge and we all spent the time running round doing what she wanted - it was never intentional and I suspect before I came along the balance was different in the family- different times and different rules/expectations and slowly it has evolved into this. 

Hey ho. I do hate all this self reflection. I bore myself thinking about it. 

I feel like I am getting a cold. Totally paranoid it is Omnicom. I must put on the turkey. 

The reflection is useful to help understand how things come about and what they are, but understanding how something came about doesn't fix it.  There comes a point where you have to say 'ok but that wasn't my fault and isn't my responsibility and so I am putting a boundary here and this is how it will be from now on' .  At least that's what I'm finding.  I can't possibly and shouldn't be expected to fix things that have run down generations - I'm only responsible for changing me. 

Yes, that is true, I have worked out so many times why my family treat each other the way they do, and in around 2013/14 when I broke up with a man who broke my heart I decided to make the best of things with them as I partly felt they were all I had, I was lucky to have such good friends and it was pointless to hope they would morph into different people, I was never going to have the relationship with I wanted or witnessed with other people's families, I mean some of my friends love this holiday as it is a chance to see people they love.......this is alien to me. That did work for a while, my life my politics, my ideas, it all stopped "at home" and lived fully outside of the house with friends, my job, the animals (!) I was happy more or less, but then when my brother in law got so ill and life stopped for 18 months and then not long after covid happened and the strain of the fakery the shallow worries (sorry but when you work with extremely poor children first world problems are simply that) and the hiding of big problems, the responsibility for everything but not making the decisions,  it all gets too much. My ability to manage from before has worn thin without seeing friends and finally realising that I won't own a house without a miracle. I need to have a different approach now. 

this was written whilst trying to sort out dinner... I now have to boil sprouts to death, please excuse me. 

Sounds similar to some of my situation - I had periodically reviewed things and set limits, but pandemic and other issues increased demands on a relationship that has never had good foundations and I have had enough.  It is a transition, it's hard, but at least it is clean and honest and I am hoping things will be better on the other side.  I hope you find a solution too.