Break up of a long term relationship

MovingForwards

You were together a long time. There will be scary, isolation, doubts, happy, sad, crying, relief and feelings you never knew existed. However, this is now your time, you can do what you want and when you want.

Try and start regaining control.

Please do work out your budgets, it's so much easier to know what you're working with and where it's going. Start up a diary in the debt free section or savings for section.

You've moved, turn your room into a home whether it's altering the layout or popping to a charity shop for a few framed pictures (rest them on things if you can't hang them).

Sort through your clothes and if you do have more than enough be ruthless and bag some up which are so not you, hand them over to charity. Work out what you do need and prioritise getting them.

I've picked up smalls from Tesco, leggings and vest tops from Matalan, yesterday I picked up 2 lovely summer dresses from a charity shop 99p each. Even my office wear is a mix of Matalan and charity shops, I also have a great outfit just for interviews.
- I recently started giving myself £10 a month pocket money on condition I spend it on me, at a push something which brings happiness and joy. 

madwomanintraining

Thank you @MovingForwards I am talking to the landlord now to sort out a moving in date.  I told my eldest Son today when he visited and he just said - Mum go for it if it's what you want, so i feel a little better knowing I have told him.  All progress!
Thanks for all you great advice and support.  I really appreciate it. 

boxer234

It can be very daunting but I didn’t want to be in the same position in 10 years time. Accept this is a stressful time and it will effect you.  The end goal is worth it.  Some days I was more productive than others where I just wanted to curl up into a ball.  

madwomanintraining

Thank you @boxer234 for the support and advice.  Today has not been a good day here so I can't wait to escape! 

boxer234

You may find when he realises you are serious he ups the emotional abuse blaming you or will offer to change.  It can get harder before it gets easier.  

madwomanintraining

boxer234 said:

You may find when he realises you are serious he ups the emotional abuse blaming you or will offer to change.  It can get harder before it gets easier.  

Yes I can see that coming and don't look forward to it.

RAS

Please speak to Women's aid or Refuge urgently. They may be able to help you leave safely. 

is there any time that your soon to be ex leaves home all day?

elsien

Also, once you’ve left and are moving forwards, don’t let him guilt trip you about any marital assets - house, savings, pensions etc. 

You are both entitled to your equal share of these after such a long marriage. Some people use the financial settlement as another form of control so get some decent advice. You need it for your future. 

maman

elsien said:

Also, once you’ve left and are moving forwards, don’t let him guilt trip you about any marital assets - house, savings, pensions etc. 

You are both entitled to your equal share of these after such a long marriage. Some people use the financial settlement as another form of control so get some decent advice. You need it for your future. 

Absolutely agree. I realise OP is very emotionally raw at the moment but it's essential for the future to have the financial security from a settlement. 

jennystarpepper

You are not on your own, you will have lots of support on this site.

My abuse started at the age of 3 and lasted over 30 years.  One sibling was just as your ex discribed, a charmer, another was the person who started isolating me at the age of 11 they were 16 /17 ( telling people not to telephone or call to the house for me which I did not know about, until they joyfully told me this 5 or 6 years later).  One parent would not let me have access to basic things like being able to use the telephone,washing machine or even have clothes.  Even in my  40's a couple of these people have still tried to contact me and abuse me in some way.  Since getting away from these people it will never happen again, and it should not happen to you either.  

At the age of 30 was finally in a position due to a job change and promotion to buy my own place, (I cut all contact with these people at the age of 38).  I met Mr Pepper and have the support I need, it did take me many years to tell him what had happened to me ( he did figure most of it out for himself), but it did get better.  

Well done for making plans, I think you are doing it just in time, before he has managed to isolate you even further.  

I would suggest you seek help from a solicitor, even if it is an initial free appointment about finance as others have suggested.  I think it will give you further help / encouragement to get away. Make a list of what has happened to you over the years, try not to leave anything out, it is hard to do this, but a solicitor needs to know the truth about what has happened to help you.  

Could you print off a few of these posts to show to your child, you don't need to tell them you are using MSE, only to show our support and to  help them leave?

Keep telling yourself,  you will not be that person any more, you don't deserve it. 

You can do it, you do deserve a new life. X