Break up of a long term relationship

madwomanintraining

After 30 years of being in a controlling relationship (emotionally), I finally have taken steps to get out, and have found myself a room to rent, but now find I am scared stiff.  I have walked on egg shells, and been looking over my shoulder all these years and now I'm scared! Anyone else had similar experiences? I suppose I am scared of being judges for walking away, how I will cope, so many things.

olgadapolga

madwomanintraining said:

After 30 years of being in a controlling relationship (emotionally), I finally have taken steps to get out, and have found myself a room to rent, but now find I am scared stiff.  I have walked on egg shells, and been looking over my shoulder all these years and now I'm scared! Anyone else had similar experiences? I suppose I am scared of being judges for walking away, how I will cope, so many things.

Nobody is going to judge you for taking care of yourself. If anyone does then they are not worthy of your attention.

I can only imagine how you are feeling but can fully understand it, as I have helped people free themselves from abusive relationships in the past. It's not an easy thing to do and you are out of your normal sphere of life, which would be scary for anyone.

Well done on getting out. Have you considered contacting Women's Aid or similar for support?

madwomanintraining

Thank you for your kind reply.   I'm scared people won't understand as he can be a real charmer when he is getting his own way, and that's the side people see of him who don't live with him.

RAS

Congratulations. That must have taken an enormous amount of courage, determination and planning.

You probably worked hard towards a specific target in the past, like passing exams or buying a house? And when you achieved it how did you feel? Often flat, disorientated and unmotivated; as if now you done it, it isn't that special? 

You're turning your life upside down on purpose and it will take time to find your feet and feel comfortable. Do seek help from one of the charities like Women's Aid but here's a couple of small ideas to tide you over:

Every day find at least one thing, preferably three, that give you joy or are just plain beautiful. Whether it's a flower or the rain on a window or a child swinging. Maybe write them down?

Concentrate on what you can do, not the worry about not coping. To be a functional independent adult there are some things we have to do like paying the bills, completing our forms. Write yourself a list and tick off those you can do. There may also be things that would make life easier but aren't essential. Then actively work out how to progress of the others, in order of priority and finances. 

If you still have access to the old place, work out what might help you in your new life? Would you be able to "sort some stuff out for the charity shop" and take it to your new place? Can you buy a phone and get a new deal, so you can't be contacted, but load contact details you want as well as help numbers and store that at the new place? Open a new basic bank account that doesn't leave a credit trail? And work out how get your name off any joint accounts?

People like Women's Aid will have lots of experience organising moves, so do talk to them.

Mojisola

madwomanintraining said:

Thank you for your kind reply.   I'm scared people won't understand as he can be a real charmer when he is getting his own way, and that's the side people see of him who don't live with him.

This is a common scenario so some people will be fooled by him.  Try not to get upset - you know the truth of your day-to-day life.

Well done for making the break - things will get better.

TBagpuss

Well done for taking that step - it must have taken a great deal of strength of character.

If you aren't already in contact with any support services consider getting in touch  - refuge and Women's Aid are good, and your GP, or contacting your local council,  should be able to point you to local services. Even though you've done the hardest part, and left, having support from people with similar experience can be very helpful as you recover from the impact of being in a controlling/abusive relationship for so long. 

They are also likely to be able to help by pointing you at other resources and advice to help you get used to being independent again. 

In terms of other people,  it may help to remind yourself that you don't have to explain or justify yourself to anyone, but also that you are under no obligation to protect your ex, and that there is no shame in having been the victim of abuse. Consider how much you are comfortable in sharing and practice a couple of scripts so you feel confident if anyone does ask or make any comment to you,. Even if it's just "Yes, he can appear very charming, but unfortunately was very different in private"  or "I left because I couldn't take his abusive behavior any longer. Of course, like a lot of abusive people, he can be very convincing in public" 
 
But you don't owe anyone an explanation. If any one is rude enough to start to criticise you for leaving or tell you how unhappy /lonely / whatever your ex is then you can always say something like " I'm not going to get into all the reasons why I left, I'll just say  it was the right thing to do"

You may be pleasantly surprised. While it is very common for abusive / controlling people to try to isolate their victims and prevent them from maintaining friendships, you might find that some of your friends and acquaintances did see more than you think. 

I am sure you will cope - you've found somewhere to be, which is the first step - there is lots of help available here if you want support or tips or just people to bounce things of when it comes to planning, budgeting, checking you're claiming any benefits you may qualify for etc.

Good luck, and enjoy your new freedom and getting to know yourself  again.

Mands

madwomanintraining said:

Thank you for your kind reply.   I'm scared people won't understand as he can be a real charmer when he is getting his own way, and that's the side people see of him who don't live with him.

So, with a smile (forced, steely, wistful, sad depending on the circumstances) you say something like ...

"Yes, Fergus can appear incredibly charming when he wants to be" and then change the subject to something else.  It'll be hard at first; it'll get easier with time.

You are telling people that your ex plays people, including them, that there's more to this than meets the eye, and that you are moving on.

Well done, 
Mands

maman

Mands said:

madwomanintraining said:

Thank you for your kind reply.   I'm scared people won't understand as he can be a real charmer when he is getting his own way, and that's the side people see of him who don't live with him.

So, with a smile (forced, steely, wistful, sad depending on the circumstances) you say something like ...

"Yes, Fergus can appear incredibly charming when he wants to be" and then change the subject to something else.  It'll be hard at first; it'll get easier with time.

You are telling people that your ex plays people, including them, that there's more to this than meets the eye, and that you are moving on.

Well done, 
Mands

I'd agree. Decide in advance how you want to respond to any questions/comments and then just trot it out like a robot. It's what politicians do every day! 🤣  It doesn't have to be a long and involved statement just short and sweet then move on. By all means say' it's painful, I don't want to talk about' it if that's how you feel. 

Congratulations by the way. 😊

madwomanintraining

|Thanks everyone for your replies I just keep getting the wobbles at the thought of it all - just a lot to take in at the moment!

AskAsk

it takes a lot of courage to do what you have done and i can understand why you feel fightened and scared.  it must be very daunting to be on your own now, in a room rent situation.

you haven't mentioned children so i assume you don't have children to worry about?

if you have decided to leave the relationship then i can't see why people would judge you as everyone is entitled to decide who they want to be with without anyone judging them.

madwomanintraining

I still have one Son at home who I am close to and who he doesn't get on with at all.  He has through the years made him into a nervous wreck as he has mild autism he has been vulnerable.  I plan to take him with me as he works so can also just afford to rent a room in the same place. 

This has all come to a head as he has worn me down with his bullying to sell the house, and move completely away to live his dream of an isolated lifestyle miles from everyone we know.  This is now happening and I can't face the thought of a life like that, with no friends, family or income.

Just really sad it has come to this.