Found my birth mother !

justworriedabit

OP

I feel for you. May I suggest you sleep on it and sleep on it again and think what you want, what you expect, the possible outcomes good/bad and the impact on those that know you and your birth mum. So sleep on it you've waited this long so be careful in the contacts.

Slightly different to your story but a co-worker was advised her real dad was going to be at a funeral she was attending she had not seen him or recall seeing hime as he left his family for another woman when she was below the age of when lets say about 5-ish. She approached her dad, he was polite intially as he knew who she was and she thought it went well. Then she rang him a few days later and messaged, no response and then a message came back that he'd want nothing to do with her. This lady in my office cried and cried but then took on board what i said to her, which i can't mention but she thanked me for it. (This co-worker IMHO was always a bit full on)

MrsStepford

My husband's daughter had to be adopted through absolutely no fault of his. I found her looking for him, online. Had to tell her that her mother had died of cancer, but was able to put her in touch with father, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. My husband and I talked about it for many hours.

I wrote a letter to my birth mother, which took me days. It needed to be simple, clear and show her with proof, that I'm her daughter. I did start by telling how I got started on family tree research and dropping unambiguous clues eg mentioning everything but the person's name, until I got the cousin she's in touch with, sending me a photo of her grandparents with her father. 

I put in photos of original records and certified copies. Birth certificate, adoption certificate, signed permission for polio immunisation, given by her plus a letter from the man who adopted me, confirming receipt of the baby (names) date of birth, sent to the children's officer at the county council.

I don't think she will write, because I suspect that when my adoptive father persuaded (bullied?) her into giving me up, he might have given her money to tide her over until she could work again. Then, that would have made it a fraudulent adoption, even though  we might think it a kind thing to do. I don't know how they hoodwinked the adoption society into giving me to him, without letting slip that they knew each other, when two other families were interested in me (I have the file notes). 

.I have my husband, I can do my tree and all the other relatives I have discovered have been very warm and welcoming. Ultimately, it doesn't matter if she rejects me. I will ask my cousin to get her to send my photos back. My mother's loss. After all, if she hadn't given in to my adoptive father and had picked a different family, I wouldn't have been abused. 

I'm not excited. I'm more excited to hit it off with my cousin, who is warm and bubbly and smart. 

swingaloo2

MrsStepford said:

My husband's daughter had to be adopted through absolutely no fault of his. I found her looking for him, online. Had to tell her that her mother had died of cancer, but was able to put her in touch with father, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. My husband and I talked about it for many hours.

I wrote a letter to my birth mother, which took me days. It needed to be simple, clear and show her with proof, that I'm her daughter. I did start by telling how I got started on family tree research and dropping unambiguous clues eg mentioning everything but the person's name, until I got the cousin she's in touch with, sending me a photo of her grandparents with her father. 

I put in photos of original records and certified copies. Birth certificate, adoption certificate, signed permission for polio immunisation, given by her plus a letter from the man who adopted me, confirming receipt of the baby (names) date of birth, sent to the children's officer at the county council.

I don't think she will write, because I suspect that when my adoptive father persuaded (bullied?) her into giving me up, he might have given her money to tide her over until she could work again. Then, that would have made it a fraudulent adoption, even though  we might think it a kind thing to do. I don't know how they hoodwinked the adoption society into giving me to him, without letting slip that they knew each other, when two other families were interested in me (I have the file notes). 

.I have my husband, I can do my tree and all the other relatives I have discovered have been very warm and welcoming. Ultimately, it doesn't matter if she rejects me. I will ask my cousin to get her to send my photos back. My mother's loss. After all, if she hadn't given in to my adoptive father and had picked a different family, I wouldn't have been abused. 

I'm not excited. I'm more excited to hit it off with my cousin, who is warm and bubbly and smart. 

So you havent taken on board anything anyone said then.

The highlighed line is very telling. I think you are very confused as to what you really want. Only yesterday you were in a hurry to spoil her yet today you dont seem to care if she doesnt want to know you.

MrsStepford

A lot of the people giving me advice aren't adopted or people who had to give away a child. Everyone is telling me to not get in touch and telling me that if she had wanted to she would have found me.

She predates the internet, probably never used more than EPOS as she worked in retail. My birth surname was changed on adoption, again on marriage and agan when I changed my name in 2016. I'm on the closed electoral roll and have a permanently wthheld unlisted number. I lived in Canada for a few years. I don't think she would have been able to find me. 

My husband is the only person who matters. 

swingaloo2

Im adopted, my first husband was adopted and my now husband had a daughter who was adopted but is now in close contact with us and I was one of those who advised you to take it slowly. 
No one has told you not to get in touch with her, just to go slowly.

You are jumping about from planning treats for her to saying you dont care if she rejects you.  Its not about her predating the internet and her trying to find you. Its about the shock she could have from you finding her, you have no idea if she will welcome you or not.

You seem to be making one assumption after another and not looking at the situation rationaly. Your husband is not the only person who matters, you matter and so does the lady who gave birth to you.

Step back, dont assume you know what she is thinking, you know nothing of her thoughts or her life really.  One minute you are discussing if she is 'mother in law' to your husband  next you are saying that if she rejects you you will ask for your photos back!

Why on earth you put al those photos and information in your first letter despite others advising you not to  I dont know but you really do need to take it more slowly.

wannabe_a_saver

MrsStepford said:

A lot of the people giving me advice aren't adopted or people who had to give away a child. Everyone is telling me to not get in touch and telling me that if she had wanted to she would have found me.

Nobody has said that. 

JamoLew

MrsStepford said:

A lot of the people giving me advice aren't adopted or people who had to give away a child. Everyone is telling me to not get in touch and telling me that if she had wanted to she would have found me.

She predates the internet, probably never used more than EPOS as she worked in retail. My birth surname was changed on adoption, again on marriage and agan when I changed my name in 2016. I'm on the closed electoral roll and have a permanently wthheld unlisted number. I lived in Canada for a few years. I don't think she would have been able to find me. 

My husband is the only person who matters. 

I'm adopted - in my 50s and wouldnt dream of going about it the way you are.

TBH I've personally never given much thought to finding my "birth" parents.

They gave me up and I have my own family now (as might they)

BrassicWoman

The advice is about HOW to get in touch so you don't terrify her!

 I think maybe seeing a counsellor for a couple of session first to talk about your feelings would help. It's completely understandable that you are a bit all-over-the-shop on this.

Have a look here https://www.pac-uk.org/our-services/adopted-adults/

They also offer intermediary services.

pollyanna_26

Seeing your other thread about your adopted mother here you mention you're awaiting counselling to work through your feelings on that I'm wondering why you are rushing to contact your birth mother before you've had the help to process your relationship and the fallout from life with your adopted one.

Good counselling can provide the tools to process events in the past and move forward.It seems sensible to do that before you rush ahead with your birth mother.

polly

MrsStepford

I have my first counselling session by phone, this week.

I am ignoring my adoptive mother because she is harassing me. The letters are always about her and what she wants. I'm not prepared to put up with her vindictiveness, bigotry and demands anymore. Nor to be blamed for events in her life, which I had no involvement in. It was my brother who picked her up from home and drove to the hospital  to say goodbye to Pa, not me, I don't drive. He was the one who arrived late to pick her up. 

I am not looking to jump into a mother-daughter relationship The one I have with my adoptive mother is toxic enough.