Found my birth mother !

edited 11 April 2021 at 8:32PM in Marriage, relationships & families
108 replies 16K views
MrsStepfordMrsStepford Forumite
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Please delete this thread 



  • silvercarsilvercar Forumite, Ambassador
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    "And ask before you shower her with gifts and attention. I appreciate that is how your adoptive mother measures the relationship, but your birth mother might have different priorities."

    This ^^^^ x 20.

    Your birth mother may feel you are trying to buy her affection. Go slowly, consider your emotions as well as hers. If you throw gifts at her, she may well run and hide and you will feel all the more rejected. Until you know why she gave you up, you need to go very slowly.
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  • sherambersheramber Forumite
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    Have you considered that your birth mother has not tried to make contact with you?
  • BrassicWomanBrassicWoman Forumite
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    would the living rellie be prepared to talk to your mum first?

    or the salvation army tracing service.

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  • RetSolRetSol Forumite
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    I get this is exciting for you and that you don't have a great relationship with your adopted mother but I think you're getting ahead of yourself.  It's too soon for presents and spoiling.  You don't know that your birth mother will even want a relationship with you yet. 

    Hello @MrsStepford.  These were my first thoughts too on reading your post.  I am sorry if this is difficult for you to hear but, first and foremost, you need to protect yourself and that means thinking about the possible outcomes.

    I appreciate that you have already had counselling but, as I understand it, that was some to ago and, for example, before you discovered that your mother is still alive.

    I wonder whether you have considered returning to counselling with an appropriately trained counsellor for support before you embark on the next stage? 

  • MojisolaMojisola Forumite
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    How am I doing so far ???

    Like others have said, I think you're going over the top.

    You are excited and want to immediately have that perfect mother and daughter relationship.  This is a stranger who has lived her own life and who may not want to have any contact with you - especially if you sweep in like a whirlwind with photos and paperwork and presents.

    Step back, write a very simple letter with your contact details and see how she reacts.

  • billy2shotsbilly2shots Forumite
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    Understandably you are very excited and your first post starts getting a bit tricky to follow because of that excitement.

    If I'm following correctly your adopted life is quite closely intertwined with your pre-adopted life as far as people being old friends etc.

    If that's the case then it sounds like your birth mother had every opportunity to get in touch with you but has chosen not to.

    This wouldn't prevent me making the first step but I would go in treading causiously and starting from a base of there will be no love filled reunion or future relationship. With that thinking in place to protect me then anything else that comes is a bonus.
  • olgadapolgaolgadapolga Forumite
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    I second the advice given above.

    There was another poster who found her birth mother, I appreciate that the circumstances will be different but her journey is detailed in the thread.
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