Found my birth mother ! 9 April 2021 at 1:05AM edited 11 April 2021 at 8:32PM in Marriage, relationships & families 108 replies 16K views

MrsStepford

Please delete this thread 

[Deleted User]

MrsStepford said:

Background 

I had the counselling for pre 1975 adoptees some years ago, got some details and asked the county's family history society for some help re local resources as I have been to my native county exactly three times and only once as an adult. To my amazement the then secretary was my birth mother's cousin. He hadn't seen her in thirty years, didn't know about me and thought she was dead. He sent me a photo of my grandfather as an old man and a wodge of A4 paper with a story about the family but no references for events like marriages etc. 

Second shock, when I showed my adoptive father the photo of my grandfather he said "Knew him, didn't like him" and refused to say more. There are letters between my birth mother and adoptive father in my adoptive mother's garage, but I haven't been allowed to see them. They were friends ten years before I was born. 

Between 2002-2017 we had neighbours from Hell, my cousin's wife and my adoptive father both died of cancer and we lost touch. My study was a storage room of junk. We have had nice neighbours for a few years now, so we decided to clear it out and redecorate. About 4 weeks ago, we decided to restart both our trees. Putting ancestors into a spreadsheet, I came across a living relie buried in a paragraph. I got in touch and she wrote back saying " we need to talk" and when I called, she told me that my birth mother is ALIVE

Immediate emotions

I feel cross that I didn't find her years ago. She worked hard for the same business, all her working life and lived in the same small town. We could have taken self-catering holidays and invited her to come with us, got her subscriptions to magazines, flowers, birthday and Christmas cards and presents chocolates, houseplants, surprise deliveries from Waitrose, paid for her to have afternoon tea with her friends etc.. I do feel a bit shocked.

I've written a letter, which starts off by dropping clues and builds up from there. I mention finding my husband's daughter from first marriage so he knows about adoption as a father. We stuck a get well soon card in there as she was ill recently.as well as some photos of me as an adult and our wedding. We did photos of adoption records and were careful o keep them as neutral as poss while putting her name, address, signature and same for him plus a few details for me. 

How am I doing so far ??? Envelope is still unsealed so suggestions welcome ! 

Any ideas for presents ? I live 200 miles south of her, and I'm shielding. 

Husband is on board for a bit of spoiling. She didn't marry, I don't suppose she's ever had much spoiling unlike my adoptive mother (she of Dealing With My Difficult Mother thread). He wants to know if I have to be legitimate for her to be his mother in law ? I thought just husband & wife/husband & husband/wife & wife have to be married and the mothers are automatically mothers in law regardless ?? 

I'm going to caveat what I'm about to write by saying that I am not adopted nor have I adopted.

I get this is exciting for you and that you don't have a great relationship with your adopted mother but I think you're getting ahead of yourself.  It's too soon for presents and spoiling.  You don't know that your birth mother will even want a relationship with you yet. 

I'm not sure a letter dropping clues is the way to go.  Perhaps it would be better to start with the facts such as your name, date of birth, place of birth if known, your contact details, and say you know you are adopted and the date of the adoption.  Then you could go on to write a bit about your life and enclose a photograph of yourself.  

I hope it does work out for you and that your birth mother is just as excited to hear from you as you are to write to her.  I just think you need to rein it in a bit for a first contact.

RAS

Hi, just lost a long response. 

I'd also be careful about making assumptions about how your mother might want to proceed. 

If you read lostcousins, Family tree or WDYTYA, you'll know that contact doesn't always end happily. Some lost parents are delighted, some don't want to know and some find it difficult to manage. And even when it's made, it takes both parties time to establish an equilibrium if it's going to succeed longer term. Sometimes it burns out quickly when expectations don't match.

Based on my own experience of establishing contact with children who've not grown up with their parent, I'd make the initial contact discrete. You simply don't know who else might be around. Basic details of your forename, date and location of birth, suggesting the recipient might know your mother and giving a choice of contact methods? 

If she responds, then keep the enquiries about her for a while, perhaps acknowledging that you obviously do have questions but recognise that she may not want to go there. If she's happy, she may well then offer information. 

I do know one person who grew up as an obvious step-child, loved by both resident parents. But mum refused absolutely to discuss his paternity, even with him, her husband, and even when terminally ill.  Hopefully he could find out now via DNA but the answer might not be a happy one.

And ask before you shower her with gifts and attention. I appreciate that is how your adoptive mother measures the relationship, but your birth mother might have different priorities.

Mean-time take it gently and best wishes.

silvercar

"And ask before you shower her with gifts and attention. I appreciate that is how your adoptive mother measures the relationship, but your birth mother might have different priorities."

This ^^^^ x 20.

Your birth mother may feel you are trying to buy her affection. Go slowly, consider your emotions as well as hers. If you throw gifts at her, she may well run and hide and you will feel all the more rejected. Until you know why she gave you up, you need to go very slowly.

sheramber

Have you considered that your birth mother has not tried to make contact with you?

BrassicWoman

would the living rellie be prepared to talk to your mum first?

or the salvation army tracing service.

RetSol

I get this is exciting for you and that you don't have a great relationship with your adopted mother but I think you're getting ahead of yourself.  It's too soon for presents and spoiling.  You don't know that your birth mother will even want a relationship with you yet. 

Hello @MrsStepford.  These were my first thoughts too on reading your post.  I am sorry if this is difficult for you to hear but, first and foremost, you need to protect yourself and that means thinking about the possible outcomes.

I appreciate that you have already had counselling but, as I understand it, that was some to ago and, for example, before you discovered that your mother is still alive.

I wonder whether you have considered returning to counselling with an appropriately trained counsellor for support before you embark on the next stage? 

Mojisola

MrsStepford said:

How am I doing so far ???

Like others have said, I think you're going over the top.

You are excited and want to immediately have that perfect mother and daughter relationship.  This is a stranger who has lived her own life and who may not want to have any contact with you - especially if you sweep in like a whirlwind with photos and paperwork and presents.

Step back, write a very simple letter with your contact details and see how she reacts.

billy2shots

Understandably you are very excited and your first post starts getting a bit tricky to follow because of that excitement.

If I'm following correctly your adopted life is quite closely intertwined with your pre-adopted life as far as people being old friends etc.

If that's the case then it sounds like your birth mother had every opportunity to get in touch with you but has chosen not to.

This wouldn't prevent me making the first step but I would go in treading causiously and starting from a base of there will be no love filled reunion or future relationship. With that thinking in place to protect me then anything else that comes is a bonus.

olgadapolga

I second the advice given above.

There was another poster who found her birth mother, I appreciate that the circumstances will be different but her journey is detailed in the thread.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3871947/birth-mother#latest

swingaloo2

Far too much, far too soon. Forget presents and the like. Dont forget that considering you were adopted pre 1975 things were very different back then. I was also adopted in the late 50's and and like you I was keen to find my birth mother but due to a lot of pressure from my adoptive parents I did nothing until they passed away and by then it was too late. 
However, I met a lady online who like me was tryng to trace her birth mother and we becamse good friends. In her case she did manage to contact her birth mother and like you she was full of anticipation of a loving reunion and relationship going forward.She wrote to the lady twice and had no reply and finally decided to go to her address and try to speak to her.
Her birth mother opened the door, took one look and knew straight away who she was and just said 'Iv'e got to this age without having any wish to see you and I dont see that changing' and she just closed the door in my friends face. My friend has since found out that her birth mother had 2 further children and gave both of them up for adoption as well.
My husbands aunt had a child before her marriage which she gave up for adoption in the 1960's and that child is now a female vicar who has tried through an intermedary to meet her mother. My husbands aunt is in her 90s now and wants nothing to do with her daughter.

It can end happily but not always so please go slowly. Put yourself in your birth mothers shoes, she may be delighted, shocked, upset, terrified, desperate to know you or desperate to remain apart from you and not want to know.