Found my birth mother !

HampshireH

I'm not sure from your last post whether you have now decided to take the forums collective advice.

Based on previous actions I'll presume not for the purpose of this post 

How will you feel when the police arrive on your doorstep with an allegation of harassment.

They won't care an ounce for your birth story or your adoption story. They will see an older lady repeatedly being contacted my someone she has made clear she doesn't want contact with (the last however many years since your birth are evidence enough so an argument that it's a few letters and chocolates won't wash)

Surely being investigated for harassment would be even more upsetting.

Based on this thread the police would support the victim (who would be your birth mother in this scenario)

Why be that person that you despise (your adoptive mother) as these are her traits based on what you have told us about her.

Emmia

You seem to want the birth mother to actively tell you that she doesn't want contact in the form of a letter - where presumably you're hoping she'll also explain why. 

Frustratingly for you, she's gone with a more passive approach, and simply returned the letters and chocolates* without comment - but the effect of this is the same as writing a letter, as it is intended to show you that your contact is unwanted. 

If she'd returned the letters but binned the chocs (or gave them away) you would have assumed (incorrectly) that she ate (and enjoyed) the chocolates, and would have continued pestering her with letters and (unwanted) gifts...

It's difficult, but please take the hint... from her perspective, the part of her life where she was pregnant and gave you up, is a part where the door to it is closed, firmly locked and bolted and the key destroyed. I can see it's tough for you, but she gave you up for a reason (perhaps she has no regrets?), and doesn't want you in her life now.

*Why chocolates that are dairy and gluten free? Perhaps she doesn't like chocolate? Is allergic to alcohol, or prefers a slab of dairy milk rather than some chi chi dark boozy chocs... 

AntoMac

I’ve never been in a position close to what you have gone through @MrsStepford so don’t feel qualified to offer advice.
I just wanted to wish you well with whatever you do and whatever decision you end up taking.  Programmes like Long Lost Families nearly always show a happy ending and real life doesn’t always mirror that unfortunately.
None of what happened all those years ago is your fault. I understand how you feel when I try to put myself in your position. 

You have much to be happy about and grateful for and I hope you can concentrate your efforts on those areas. Good luck. 

jennystarpepper

I do think the comments on this post now need to stop.

I think many have given good advice and hope the OP understands most mean well.

Considering this lady does have many unresolved issues and has said she is seeking help for them, we all need to take a step back and let her move on.

Pollycat

jennystarpepper said:

I do think the comments on this post now need to stop.

I think many have given good advice and hope the OP understands most mean well.

Considering this lady does have many unresolved issues and has said she is seeking help for them, we all need to take a step back and let her move on.

The OP can contact MSE and request that this thread be removed.
Given that the OP deleted her original post and replaced it with 'please delete this thread' back in April but has continued to post indicates that she wishes to continue the discussion.

74jax

Pollycat said:

jennystarpepper said:

I do think the comments on this post now need to stop.

I think many have given good advice and hope the OP understands most mean well.

Considering this lady does have many unresolved issues and has said she is seeking help for them, we all need to take a step back and let her move on.

The OP can contact MSE and request that this thread be removed.
Given that the OP deleted her original post and replaced it with 'please delete this thread' back in April but has continued to post indicates that she wishes to continue the discussion.

I also think it's good as it's other people posting, not the same people over and over. Everyone is sharing their experience. 
Some maybe be searching for something similar and can contribute.

The irony of a post saying  I do think the comments on this post now need to stop.  Isn't lost on me 🤣

Maskface

MrsStepford said:

If my birth mother had written and asked me not to contact her, I would have respected that, end of story.

She didn't do that, she mailed me a small box of fresh perishable chocolates which were delivered  not posted to her with a message from me. That she mailed them to me, showed me that she was back in her home town and had received my letter in April. She would have seen how much the postage cost us, but she put my letter in a fresh envelope and put one first class stamp on it and would have realised it wasn't enough. I had to pay the postage £

Whatever her actual circumstances, I know a lot about her family and what she told the adoption society. The adoption society had rules to ensure that the child wasn't brought up by people who knew the birth mother and pre 1075 it was supposed to be a clean break. 

Presumably she thought she was doing the right thing or was persuaded to do it. I was born in another town and registered by her three weeks later, in that town. My adoptive father was certainly wealthy enough to pay for her to stay and have a rest. If money/benefit in kind happened, my adoption was illegal.

My original birth certificate was removed and I got a copy of a printed one, with the details but marked adopted, six months before it happened. There are no court records of the adoption. 

I will never know the full story. If my birth mother and my adoptive father hadn't decided to ignore the adoption organisation rules, I might have been brought up in a normal family. 

I don't blame her for getting pregnant, accidents happen. I do think she should get 50% of the blame for putting me in the situation with my abusive adoptive parents. My adoptive parents spent lots of holidays in the county I was born in. They may have known each other well, before she even got pregnant. 

It took effort to track my baptism down. It took place at most four days after my adoption certificate was issued. No photos, no party, no guests and my adoptive father didn't tell his mother that he knew my mother. 

I just want her to know that I don't want to hear from her again. Looking through my letter it's out of order and some photos appear to be missing. 

I'm never putting myself in the position where another spiteful woman can try to hurt me. 

It ends here. I will carry on with my family tree research and will interact with the family members I had discovered previously. They have all been really lovely. 

Good grief. She doesn't need to write you a letter. The actions say it all. Likewise you don't need to send her a letter telling her you don't want to hear from her because she's never contacted you anyway. And fixating o a postage stamp us ridiculous. It's tragic you can't see how bitter and toxic you sound. Focus your energy on therapy, while you still have time before you end up as bitter as the women you clearly dispise. 

Maskface

MrsStepford said:

My husband's daughter had to be adopted through absolutely no fault of his. I found her looking for him, online. Had to tell her that her mother had died of cancer, but was able to put her in touch with father, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins. My husband and I talked about it for many hours.

I wrote a letter to my birth mother, which took me days. It needed to be simple, clear and show her with proof, that I'm her daughter. I did start by telling how I got started on family tree research and dropping unambiguous clues eg mentioning everything but the person's name, until I got the cousin she's in touch with, sending me a photo of her grandparents with her father. 

I put in photos of original records and certified copies. Birth certificate, adoption certificate, signed permission for polio immunisation, given by her plus a letter from the man who adopted me, confirming receipt of the baby (names) date of birth, sent to the children's officer at the county council.

I don't think she will write, because I suspect that when my adoptive father persuaded (bullied?) her into giving me up, he might have given her money to tide her over until she could work again. Then, that would have made it a fraudulent adoption, even though  we might think it a kind thing to do. I don't know how they hoodwinked the adoption society into giving me to him, without letting slip that they knew each other, when two other families were interested in me (I have the file notes). 

.I have my husband, I can do my tree and all the other relatives I have discovered have been very warm and welcoming. Ultimately, it doesn't matter if she rejects me. I will ask my cousin to get her to send my photos back. My mother's loss. After all, if she hadn't given in to my adoptive father and had picked a different family, I wouldn't have been abused. 

I'm not excited. I'm more excited to hit it off with my cousin, who is warm and bubbly and smart. 

Clearly changed your mind on that bit. I thought you said ultimately it doesn't matter to you if she rejects you?