What qualities do women want/value in a relationship?

CharllieSays

AskAsk said:

i often hear the saying that there is someone out there for everyone or that for every pot there is a lid that will fit.  that there is the other ME out there some where and you just have to find that person.  however, i think this is wishful thinking and if you are looking into too much detail as what you want the other person to be and what they need to have, you can find yourself looking for a very long time and will end up on your own.

Although you should be careful when you choose a partner, it really does boil down to whether you love them or not.  and you will know if you love someone or not as you would feel miserable and lonely without them.  if you feel this then you are with the right partner.  it doesn't mean the relationship is perfect but you know that you are in the relationship for a reason and that is because you want to be with the other person.

it sounds like you have never been in love.  when you do, very little else matters.

I didn't see this until now. I actually found my other half a couple of years ago. We met via work and he was (to me) perfect. Unfortunately, he'd met a gold-digger on holiday after his divorce, she'd latched onto him and was doing her best to get her claws into his business and financially ruin him and his child. So I walked away to let him deal with the drama. If he comes knocking in the future, great. If not, that's fine. I got to spend a year and a half with him in some capacity and I'm thankful for that. But I know at least one man exists out there who is a perfect match. And that was just by random chance. But it was amazing to meet him. He really was the other version of me, and it's always an enlightening experience to meet your twin. I was forced to acknowledge a lot of things about myself, good and bad, and the experience has changed me forever. Regardless of what happens, I'll always love him.

And you are right about love. I've been in several relationships in the past where I settled and although most of them were nice guys, and one incredibly good looking, I was miserable and there was a lot of fighting and stress. Other than having someone to share the bills and improving my social life, there was no upside to being with someone I didn't love.

burlingtonfl6

CharllieSays said:

AskAsk said:

i often hear the saying that there is someone out there for everyone or that for every pot there is a lid that will fit.  that there is the other ME out there some where and you just have to find that person.  however, i think this is wishful thinking and if you are looking into too much detail as what you want the other person to be and what they need to have, you can find yourself looking for a very long time and will end up on your own.

Although you should be careful when you choose a partner, it really does boil down to whether you love them or not.  and you will know if you love someone or not as you would feel miserable and lonely without them.  if you feel this then you are with the right partner.  it doesn't mean the relationship is perfect but you know that you are in the relationship for a reason and that is because you want to be with the other person.

it sounds like you have never been in love.  when you do, very little else matters.

I didn't see this until now. I actually found my other half a couple of years ago. We met via work and he was (to me) perfect. Unfortunately, he'd met a gold-digger on holiday after his divorce, she'd latched onto him and was doing her best to get her claws into his business and financially ruin him and his child. So I walked away to let him deal with the drama. If he comes knocking in the future, great. If not, that's fine. I got to spend a year and a half with him in some capacity and I'm thankful for that. But I know at least one man exists out there who is a perfect match. And that was just by random chance. But it was amazing to meet him. He really was the other version of me, and it's always an enlightening experience to meet your twin. I was forced to acknowledge a lot of things about myself, good and bad, and the experience has changed me forever. Regardless of what happens, I'll always love him.

And you are right about love. I've been in several relationships in the past where I settled and although most of them were nice guys, and one incredibly good looking, I was miserable and there was a lot of fighting and stress. Other than having someone to share the bills and improving my social life, there was no upside to being with someone I didn't love.

Love being an requirement for a relationship is only a recent thing.
Up until the early part of the 20th century you married someone who you thought you could build a life with and would benefit you. Love developed after, if at all.
People have been sold a fairytale of love from companies who want to sell them things. Disney alone have caused generations of people to wait for the perfect person.
Nobody is perfect and with marriage rates at the lowest level on record (and that was based on statistics pre covid) more people will end up dying alone.
The Japanese even have a term for this problem
https://www.straitstimes.com/asia/east-asia/dying-alone-in-the-worlds-most-populous-city

''Kodokushi is a growing problem in Japan, where 27.7 per cent of the population is aged over 65 and many people are giving up trying to find partners in middle age, opting instead for a solitary existence.''

CharllieSays

"Up until the early part of the 20th century"

People had to endure a lot of things throughout history that made them miserable. For most of history, marriage was the 'sale' of a woman from one man (her father) to another (her husband). We were essentially property and treated as such. It doesn't mean we want to go back to that now. At least most of us don't. I'm sure some people would love that!

Being single is far better than being stuck in a house/bed with someone you have no interest in. Most adults realise that, hence the drop in marriage rates. If you don't enjoy something and don't need to rely on it for survival, then why would you bother? You're not getting any benefit out of it. Love is the only thing left that is still valued, so people still look for that. By 'love' I mean finding someone who you are compatible with physically, intellectually, emotionally, etc. And it isn't about being perfect, as everyone has a range of things they need, things that want, things they will compromise on and things that are absolute red lines. My 'perfect' isn't perfect at all (my sister finds the men I like a turn off and vice versa). Maybe celebrities come close for some people, but I doubt the majority of us give more than a few seconds thought to dating a multi millionaire actor or model or whatever. That's unrealistic.

sevenhills

I think my ex GF was great, she was never into a relationship, even tho it was really passionate at the start.

I still think about her and it would have been great if it worked, but she was not emotional and prefered to be on her own most of the time. I have moved on now, altho still single.

I don't really expect another relationship like that one, but I will live in hope. Having said that, in some areas, it wasn't a close relationship, certainly for her.

burlingtonfl6

CharllieSays said:

"Up until the early part of the 20th century"

People had to endure a lot of things throughout history that made them miserable. For most of history, marriage was the 'sale' of a woman from one man (her father) to another (her husband). We were essentially property and treated as such. It doesn't mean we want to go back to that now. At least most of us don't. I'm sure some people would love that!

Being single is far better than being stuck in a house/bed with someone you have no interest in. Most adults realise that, hence the drop in marriage rates. If you don't enjoy something and don't need to rely on it for survival, then why would you bother? You're not getting any benefit out of it. Love is the only thing left that is still valued, so people still look for that. By 'love' I mean finding someone who you are compatible with physically, intellectually, emotionally, etc. And it isn't about being perfect, as everyone has a range of things they need, things that want, things they will compromise on and things that are absolute red lines. My 'perfect' isn't perfect at all (my sister finds the men I like a turn off and vice versa). Maybe celebrities come close for some people, but I doubt the majority of us give more than a few seconds thought to dating a multi millionaire actor or model or whatever. That's unrealistic.

My point was for hundreds of thousands of years love wasn't the number on priority. Marriages were based on mutual needs and what is best for the family and the community. 
Now it's based on the individual. People break families apart because they're ''not happy anymore''
I'm not saying one is right and one is wrong I'm saying you can't change thousands of years of evolution within a few decades.
Marriage rates are at an all time low so whatever we are currently doing isn't working.

burlingtonfl6

sevenhills said:

I think my ex GF was great, she was never into a relationship, even tho it was really passionate at the start.

I still think about her and it would have been great if it worked, but she was not emotional and prefered to be on her own most of the time. I have moved on now, altho still single.

I don't really expect another relationship like that one, but I will live in hope. Having said that, in some areas, it wasn't a close relationship, certainly for her.

How old was she?

sevenhills

burlingtonfl6 said:

How old was she?

Around 6 years younger than me, 53 now.

CharllieSays

"Now it's based on the individual. People break families apart because they're ''not happy anymore''. I'm not saying one is right and one is wrong I'm saying you can't change thousands of years of evolution within a few decades. Marriage rates are at an all time low so whatever we are currently doing isn't working."

You are coming from the POV that marriage is always beneficial and therefore a drop in marriage rates and increase in divorce is a bad thing in it's own right. For someone like me who grew up in a very traditional religious community, where couples were pressured to stay married regardless of how bad things were, I have seen the negative consequences. Abuse, suicide, severe mental health disorders, addictions (as a coping mechanism), to name a few. An outsider might consider it a great success that the divorce rate was so low, but there was a very dark side to that.

Tokmon

burlingtonfl6 said:

CharllieSays said:

"Up until the early part of the 20th century"

People had to endure a lot of things throughout history that made them miserable. For most of history, marriage was the 'sale' of a woman from one man (her father) to another (her husband). We were essentially property and treated as such. It doesn't mean we want to go back to that now. At least most of us don't. I'm sure some people would love that!

Being single is far better than being stuck in a house/bed with someone you have no interest in. Most adults realise that, hence the drop in marriage rates. If you don't enjoy something and don't need to rely on it for survival, then why would you bother? You're not getting any benefit out of it. Love is the only thing left that is still valued, so people still look for that. By 'love' I mean finding someone who you are compatible with physically, intellectually, emotionally, etc. And it isn't about being perfect, as everyone has a range of things they need, things that want, things they will compromise on and things that are absolute red lines. My 'perfect' isn't perfect at all (my sister finds the men I like a turn off and vice versa). Maybe celebrities come close for some people, but I doubt the majority of us give more than a few seconds thought to dating a multi millionaire actor or model or whatever. That's unrealistic.

My point was for hundreds of thousands of years love wasn't the number on priority. Marriages were based on mutual needs and what is best for the family and the community. 
Now it's based on the individual. People break families apart because they're ''not happy anymore''
I'm not saying one is right and one is wrong I'm saying you can't change thousands of years of evolution within a few decades.
Marriage rates are at an all time low so whatever we are currently doing isn't working.

Why does marriage rates being at an all time low suggest things aren't working?

Marriage should be something that couples only do when they feel they want to spend the rest of the lives with each other and trust each other 100% in sharing all their assets and everything they own. So it's not something to enter into lightly and i think lots of people rush into this (which does increase marriage rates) but certainly isn't a good thing.

Pollycat

Tokmon said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

CharllieSays said:

"Up until the early part of the 20th century"

People had to endure a lot of things throughout history that made them miserable. For most of history, marriage was the 'sale' of a woman from one man (her father) to another (her husband). We were essentially property and treated as such. It doesn't mean we want to go back to that now. At least most of us don't. I'm sure some people would love that!

Being single is far better than being stuck in a house/bed with someone you have no interest in. Most adults realise that, hence the drop in marriage rates. If you don't enjoy something and don't need to rely on it for survival, then why would you bother? You're not getting any benefit out of it. Love is the only thing left that is still valued, so people still look for that. By 'love' I mean finding someone who you are compatible with physically, intellectually, emotionally, etc. And it isn't about being perfect, as everyone has a range of things they need, things that want, things they will compromise on and things that are absolute red lines. My 'perfect' isn't perfect at all (my sister finds the men I like a turn off and vice versa). Maybe celebrities come close for some people, but I doubt the majority of us give more than a few seconds thought to dating a multi millionaire actor or model or whatever. That's unrealistic.

My point was for hundreds of thousands of years love wasn't the number on priority. Marriages were based on mutual needs and what is best for the family and the community. 
Now it's based on the individual. People break families apart because they're ''not happy anymore''
I'm not saying one is right and one is wrong I'm saying you can't change thousands of years of evolution within a few decades.
Marriage rates are at an all time low so whatever we are currently doing isn't working.

Why does marriage rates being at an all time low suggest things aren't working?

Marriage should be something that couples only do when they feel they want to spend the rest of the lives with each other and trust each other 100% in sharing all their assets and everything they own. 

According to this thread, it seems that marriages can work well even though everything is not shared:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/6265730/people-who-are-married-live-with-long-term-partner-do-you-still-have-a-seperate-saving-accounts#latest