What qualities do women want/value in a relationship?

littlegreenparrot

NBLondon said:

sevenhills said:

Is it just me, but do men generally want to look after someone? Traditionally men would be the breadwinner, looking after a female.

"Looking after" doesn't just mean financially - it can include supporting emotionally and practically.  Providing a home doesn't just mean paying the mortgage and the bills, for some men it's about making it a desirable place to live.  It varies between men how much value they place on those aspects - just as it varies between women as to whether they want to be "looked after".    In a good relationship, partners may take turns in those roles depending on circumstances.

Exactly this.
I find the idea that I need looking after because I'm a women very patronising. I'm an adult perfectly capable of looking after myself. I may need to be looked after due to ill health, bereavement or some other stressful life event, but that applies both ways. 

I think it's worth emphasising that being the breadwinner is not necessarily looking after someone. Someone might be bringing home a lot of money, but if they are horrible their partner may not be looked after in any sense that I would recognise.  It also implies passivity, if their partner is doing all the cooking, laundry, childcare, general life admin, they are not sitting about 'being looked after' they are making a contribution which would have to be paid for if they weren't doing it. 

AskAsk

onomatopoeia99 said:

AskAsk said:

Kim_kim said:

sevenhills said:

Tokmon said:

No matter how much you keep on about her lowering her standards she isn't going to be interested in you so just move on and find someone else 

Is it just me, but do men generally want to look after someone? Traditionally men would be the breadwinner, looking after a female.

I have friends that don't like spending their money, but surely that is different when it comes to a partner. So financially, I would be looking to help someone else.

I think in most relationships now both of the couple work.  Women don’t really have pin money jobs anymore.  Wage equality & the national minimum wage have done away with that.
But I do find that many men of a certain age - let’s say over 50.  Still expect the women to do the lions share in the home, even though they both work full time. 

i think it is worse than that and does not only apply to households of the older age group as stated in the following research article, where it applies to 93% of british households.

i think the reason for this is that i find men have a higher threshold for dirt and mess, so the man would leave it until it gets really bad before he would start to clear or clean up, whereas the woman would feel doing this well before the man thinks it needs doing.  so when it comes to the waiting game of who can put up with the mess the longest, the man always wins and so the woman ends up having to do the work.

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/epidemiology-health-care/news/2019/nov/women-still-doing-most-housework-despite-earning-more

I have a high threshold for mess.  I would rather date someone else that did as well, so there weren't arguments about me "leaving the housework to her", since I'd still clean at the point where I felt it needed doing and that point wouldn't change.  The woman wouldn't "have" to do anything apart from sit back and relax (a truly onerous burden, I know).

It's interesting that the assumption on this forum is that the person that has a higher threshold for mess is expected to change their behaviour to accommodate the person that doesn't and not vice versa. Why?  Why can't the other person just put up with more mess?  It's not causing them any work if they do.

I grew up in a house cleaned to "show home" standards by my mother, because that's how she wanted it.  I'm so completely not like that and I absolutely do not want to date someone like that.  Clever / nerdy, kind, passionate?  Yes.  So-called "domestic goddess"? HELL NO!

for someone who does not mind mess and dirt, which men tend to do more than women, (hence men enter trades that are dirty like plumbing and bin collection etc and women tend to avoid thse professions), they don't feel frustrated if the house is clean as long as they don't have to do it, but for the person who can not put up with the mess and dirt, they will be overwhelmed if the house is not clean.  sitting back and wait is not an option as it will be more agonising than doing the blooming cleaning yourself.

nic2075

I want someone who will take up half the slack in housework without having to be asked!  

sevenhills

nic2075 said:

I want someone who will take up half the slack in housework without having to be asked!  

I have a cleaner for that 

MrsStepford

I met my husband in a snowy field. Didn't see him again for eight years. When I did we got engaged after a month. I just knew that he would always be someone I could talk to about anything and was always there for a hug, cuddle whatever. Shopping lists are rubbish. People grow and learn through the years. 

burlingtonfl6

nic2075 said:

I want someone who will take up half the slack in housework without having to be asked!  

I'm sure you want more than that

Kim_kim

nic2075 said:

I want someone who will take up half the slack in housework without having to be asked!  

I’m a real neat freak, I like my house really clean & tidy at all times.
But I’m not massively keen on housework, so I have a weekly cleaner. 

I am naturally tidy, I clear up after myself as I go & put away.

wannabe_a_saver

Kim_kim said:

sevenhills said:

Tokmon said:

No matter how much you keep on about her lowering her standards she isn't going to be interested in you so just move on and find someone else 

Is it just me, but do men generally want to look after someone? Traditionally men would be the breadwinner, looking after a female.

I have friends that don't like spending their money, but surely that is different when it comes to a partner. So financially, I would be looking to help someone else.

I think in most relationships now both of the couple work.  Women don’t really have pin money jobs anymore.  Wage equality & the national minimum wage have done away with that.
But I do find that many men of a certain age - let’s say over 50.  Still expect the women to do the lions share in the home, even though they both work full time. 

It’s not just over fifties, it’s men of all ages.  Studies have shown repeatedly that women still do the the lion’s share of domestic work and childcare. 

wannabe_a_saver

Tokmon said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Kim_kim said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Kim_kim said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Kim_kim said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Pollycat said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Depends on their age but you're wasting your time asking a woman for advice. 
I don't know how old you are OP but the main thing women generally look for is status, confidence, ambition and wealth.
Feminine men in touch with their feelings get nowhere.

I've never looked for status, confidence, ambition or wealth in my partners.

And my first marriage lasted 11 years and my 2nd is still going strong at 35 years.

burlingtonfl6 said:

Edit.... it helps to be taller than them too.

Really?

Some quite old fashioned ideas you've got going there.

I did say women in general. You're obviously the unicorn
Height of men is a big issue with women.....unless they're at an age where they have had to drop their standards.

I’m definitely at an age.......
My standards will be higher than ever.  I know what I want & don’t want now.  

You're standards might be higher but you're 50 plus and single.... it's not worked so why would anyone who wants to be in a relationship take your advice? They should be listening to someone who has been married for a few decades at your age.
Your options now are nowhere near where they were when you were 25 yet your standards are higher. It doesn't add up.

I’ve been married for 17 years.  I know not to settle when something doesn’t work.
Of course I don’t have the options I had at 25.  But I do have the benefit of knowing myself now & I know what I want & what I don’t want.  I’m happy to remain single, if I met someone who I really clicked with, someone who web could actually enrich each other’s lives then that would be fantastic. But unless it’s great then I’d rather stay single.  I don’t need a man to support me, I earn a good wage.  

My point was your standards are higher than ever but your options are lower than they ever have been.

I’m not bothered about that, I’d much rather be single than unhappy or “settling”. 

Or you could settle for someone on your level.....just a thought

No matter how much you keep on about her lowering her standards she isn't going to be interested in you so just move on and find someone else 

Some dinosaurs just can’t get the heads around the fact that there are lots of women who are perfectly happy not having a man around, I bet the idea of lesbian couples completely confuses them! 

Pollycat

wannabe_a_saver said:

Tokmon said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Kim_kim said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Kim_kim said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Kim_kim said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Pollycat said:

burlingtonfl6 said:

Depends on their age but you're wasting your time asking a woman for advice. 
I don't know how old you are OP but the main thing women generally look for is status, confidence, ambition and wealth.
Feminine men in touch with their feelings get nowhere.

I've never looked for status, confidence, ambition or wealth in my partners.

And my first marriage lasted 11 years and my 2nd is still going strong at 35 years.

burlingtonfl6 said:

Edit.... it helps to be taller than them too.

Really?

Some quite old fashioned ideas you've got going there.

I did say women in general. You're obviously the unicorn
Height of men is a big issue with women.....unless they're at an age where they have had to drop their standards.

I’m definitely at an age.......
My standards will be higher than ever.  I know what I want & don’t want now.  

You're standards might be higher but you're 50 plus and single.... it's not worked so why would anyone who wants to be in a relationship take your advice? They should be listening to someone who has been married for a few decades at your age.
Your options now are nowhere near where they were when you were 25 yet your standards are higher. It doesn't add up.

I’ve been married for 17 years.  I know not to settle when something doesn’t work.
Of course I don’t have the options I had at 25.  But I do have the benefit of knowing myself now & I know what I want & what I don’t want.  I’m happy to remain single, if I met someone who I really clicked with, someone who web could actually enrich each other’s lives then that would be fantastic. But unless it’s great then I’d rather stay single.  I don’t need a man to support me, I earn a good wage.  

My point was your standards are higher than ever but your options are lower than they ever have been.

I’m not bothered about that, I’d much rather be single than unhappy or “settling”. 

Or you could settle for someone on your level.....just a thought

No matter how much you keep on about her lowering her standards she isn't going to be interested in you so just move on and find someone else 

Some dinosaurs just can’t get the heads around the fact that there are lots of women who are perfectly happy not having a man around, I bet the idea of lesbian couples completely confuses them! 

And lots of women who won't settle for less than they want simply to have a bloke in their life - as Kim_kim quite rightly says.

wannabe_a_saver said:

Kim_kim said:

sevenhills said:

Tokmon said:

No matter how much you keep on about her lowering her standards she isn't going to be interested in you so just move on and find someone else 

Is it just me, but do men generally want to look after someone? Traditionally men would be the breadwinner, looking after a female.

I have friends that don't like spending their money, but surely that is different when it comes to a partner. So financially, I would be looking to help someone else.

I think in most relationships now both of the couple work.  Women don’t really have pin money jobs anymore.  Wage equality & the national minimum wage have done away with that.
But I do find that many men of a certain age - let’s say over 50.  Still expect the women to do the lions share in the home, even though they both work full time. 

It’s not just over fifties, it’s men of all ages.  Studies have shown repeatedly that women still do the the lion’s share of domestic work and childcare. 

Although we're both retired, I probably do the lion's share of domestic work (no childcare) but right now my OH is at a neighbour's, wheel-barrowing unwanted soil from their garden to ours. He also does a lot of work on our investments (which benefits me too)

I also do most of the prep for cooking - that includes batch cooking for the freezer and menu planning - but I enjoy both of those things so it isn't a chore for me.

And OH does the final cooking whilst I'm relaxing on the sofa with a G&T catching up on the programmes he's not interested in watching.

The thing is to do whatever works for you both and makes you both happy and not feeling resentful.