Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my girlfriend to repay me or let it go?

Pollycat

NaughtiusMaximus said:

Pollycat said:

NBLondon said:

Really interesting to see the replies and the presumptions based on the limited info on the original post.

It doesn't say whether this couple are living together and this makes a lot of difference e.g. when money was handed over for rent.  If they are living together and agreed to split the rent - but one month A is short of money and asks B to cover it - that might be taken as a loan of indefinite duration because B might need to ask A to cover in the future.  If they are not living together, A can't make her rent and asks B for money; then it's somewhat different - was it asked for as a loan or as a gift?

Then there's weddings.  Does this mean the cost of joint gifts where you've both been invited to a wedding?  Or the cost of a new outfit?  Or is it overseas weddings involving travel and accommodation?  Does it read differently depending on which of them is closest to the wedding party?

Well, that's all posters have got to go on.

And no answers to any questions.

As is the norm for a MSE MMD.

Which is why people make presumptions...

Chrisemmett

Marry the girl for Goodness sake; change all your accounts to joint and put all your property into both your and her names. That is, if you love her and she loves you. Otherwise, break it off, cut your losses and find someone new.

Tillybonbon

Don’t carry on with this if she’s defensive now you won’t stand a chance when your married or as you get older you don’t need this stress. She is using you big time just let her go if she won’t pay up. Exactly what does she do with her money I wonder? 

IJS444

If you are going to marry her, forget the money.  If you are going to ditch her, ask for it all back.  Anywhere in between, you're on your own 😀

collington

As I'm sure others have said, the financial side of a healthy relationship is critical and will only become magnified as you look into things like buying property. Not being able to talk about it now is a huge red flag to me. It's probably best to just write off that money (you win some, you learn some) - but you really need to put some thought into the longer term.  (To be clear, I'm not saying it's not fixable!  I'm just saying that in my opinion something has to change because this will be doomed to fail if it stays on this trajectory.)  Good luck!

bobjnr004

Sounds familiar (although don't have her side of events, is she a narcissist?) this is how it started with my then girlfriend, (the man should pay for things, borrowing money etc ) cut a long story short - got married had a child, I had a business as well and over years she took more and more and then more without my knowledge and was abusive and controlling to me about money (and other things) during that period and ensured I had almost nothing, and I made decision to leave.
Try to take emotions out of discussions, see what her side of story is, if you really want to continue with her, see if she has any evidence of anything she might say, what's done is done though, learn from that -  some people will never be honest about money and are best avoided and use people as a free bank..Shame on them

[Deleted User]

Hmm, difficult if you are otherwise happy and honestly can't think how you deal with what's gone before.  I think I'd try and get her to pay for a few upcoming things rather than try and recoup for past ones if you can.  However, I'd put in place an agreement going forward and maybe even a joint account from which to draw joint payments.   

letthemeatcake

If she gets aggressive with you for asking for some contribution to living costs or repayment of money she has borrowed  then its to put you off from asking. This is  classic narcissist behaviour and will only get worse. 
Do not get a joint account or link financially in any way as she will see this as approval and permission to spend your money. 
I would get out of the relationship.

willow_loulou

hwadsworth52 said:

If you don’t want the relationship to end over money matters, why are you asking for advice?

Absolutely this, you already know what you need to do and are just looking for validation because it’s hard. Break ups ARE hard because of the investments we make in other people, their friends and their families. 

I think there is a serious situation here that if you’ve asked for money back for many different things and she’s defensive, she’s viewing the relationship differently to you. If you’re not in an ‘our’ money relationship and haven’t communicated the conditions of paying for things, then really you’ve intimated you’re paying and that’s that. That’s what she sees. 

You’re still seeing my money her money and don’t want to combine, so really deep down you don’t want to be in that kind of relationship. 

So my lovely you have questions to ask of yourself - good luck 

dwgarrett

I presume that girlfriend will become fiancée will become wife. In that case everything that is yours will be hers and everything that is hers will be hers. An equitable solution no doubt! Basically if you love her you won’t keep score or accounts.