Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my girlfriend to repay me or let it go?

edited 12 January at 2:00PM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
93 replies 66K views
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  • GerryO13GerryO13 Forumite
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    MoneySaving Newbie
     It's important to you as you have brought it up on several occasions, but feel it's unresolved. Money can be very emotive especially if one person has more than the other. Unfortunately, some people use it as a lever to influence or control others. The context of the conversation is important, were you unhappy about something else and brought it up to have something to complain about? It is important to you and you need to explain that to your girlfriend and get a clear idea of her perspective on things. As it's been raised before, let her know that you want to get an agreement on how you manage your joint finances. Make sure you give her clear space to talk about her perspective. I think the money already "loaned" can be part of the discussion, and see if you can reach an agreement on repaid or not. If you can't resolve this issue it suggests that there may be more challenges ahead for you as a couple.
  • edited 13 January at 9:03AM
    anotheruseranotheruser Forumite
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    edited 13 January at 9:03AM
    Get paid (salary) in to your own bank, then each put a set amount into a joint account.
    This joint account is then used to pay bills, rent, food, pets, anything JOINT. Normally the set amount will either be an equal percentage of your pay or the same amount. If one person is a very high earner, good on them for getting a better paid job.
    Whatever is left in your personal account is yours to spend however you wish.

    Get paid (salary) into a joint account then put a set amount in to your personal accounts.
    The set amount is the same and is yours to spend however you wish.

    You get a third option:
    Which usually involves splitting bills and such (one person mortgage, the other person everything else) but that seems like a lot of work to make sure it's fair.


    I suspect there is no Original Poster to advise us how their finances are arrangements are and thus hard to make any sort of comment really.
    If I don't provide specifics to a question, don't ask for them in your answer.
    When I want specific answers, I'll provide the information.
  • Tim11111000111Tim11111000111 Forumite
    39 Posts
    Second Anniversary 10 Posts
    One way or another I think you have to be prepared to let that money go.

    If it had just been a misunderstanding (i.e. she thought they were gifts or whatever) then I would say just forgive and move on. However, it is a massive red flag that she gets "very defensive and quite aggressive" when you try to talk about money. I think it is ESSENTIAL that at the very least you are able to sit down and have a conversation about money with a partner.

    That said, I think the way you approach a conversation can have a big impact on how she responds. I can see that starting a conversation with something along the lines of "when are you going to pay me that £2,000 you owe me?" would make anyone a bit defensive. So, if you want to make the relationship work I would suggest still forgiving and forgetting that £2,000, but in future making sure you have proper conversations about money, and don't lend her any more money unless you've had a thorough conversation beforehand. I think this situation has also triggered some alarm bells about her money management skills in general - why does she need you to lend her money? Why doesn't she have any of her own savings?

    If you can have a mature conversation about those things, then any situation that you are both happy with is fine. I have no issue with you paying for all the important stuff and her frittering away her money on booze and gambling IF you discuss it with each other beforehand and are both happy with that being the situation. However, if you can't even have that conversation then I don't see a happy ending.
  • edited 13 January at 9:06AM
    thedrthedr Forumite
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    Eighth Anniversary 10 Posts Photogenic Combo Breaker
    edited 13 January at 9:06AM
    Something like rent is clearly an expense which should be split two ways. There would’ve been no doubt in your girlfriends' mind what the arrangement was. You were not there to pay her rent for her. She should repay it. 
  • squirrel59squirrel59 Forumite
    21 Posts
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Posts
    Based on the minute amount of information you have supplied, it is impossible to form any kind of opinion. Did you make clear these were loans at the time? Does she balance out the money you have given/lent her in other ways? By doing things for you, acts of kindness, generosity, love? If to you money is a stand-alone thing in your relationship, and not just one, in itself insignificant, cog that keeps the whole rolling along, then what are you both doing being together?
  • a16svma16svm Forumite
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    What a Golddigger! Ditch her, she is going to leech money off you for life!
  • Amy247Amy247 Forumite
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    MoneySaving Newbie
    Lots of money based advice here. You are obviously good with money, as you are here, and you are keeping an eye on it, which is a great asset! You obviously really love your girlfriend too, and value her company. I would like to advise you to use this issue to consider as a couple where the relationship is going, and what it looks like in the future. I recommend doing this with a relationship therapist, such as those at relate. The reason for this is that if you are expecting to get married and start a family, the contributions and needs, both financially and otherwise, that you will both bring to the relationship will change over time, and you would benefit from being on the same page. 
  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    Based on the minute amount of information you have supplied, it is impossible to form any kind of opinion. Did you make clear these were loans at the time? Does she balance out the money you have given/lent her in other ways? By doing things for you, acts of kindness, generosity, love? If to you money is a stand-alone thing in your relationship, and not just one, in itself insignificant, cog that keeps the whole rolling along, then what are you both doing being together?
    That is the essence of Money Moral Dilemmas.
    "Minute amount of information" provided.
    No further information forthcoming.
    No questions answered.

    As the original post says:

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value.


  • RoscowRoscow Forumite
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    Part of the Furniture 10 Posts Combo Breaker
    You can tell a LOT about people when it comes to money and their attitude to it.
    Particularly if they're "spending" yours and avoid discussion on "repayment."  
  • JayDJayD Forumite
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    I can't comment on the holidays, weddings et as you don't make clear the full circumstances of you paying for these - as some have said, it might have been in a way that she could assume were gifts. However, surely you had an arrangement in place, when you moved in together, just how the rent and house bills were going to be split between you? If not, then it is time you sat down with her and discussed just that and come to an agreement on it. Again, I know nothing of the financial circumstances of either of you, so couldn't possibly comment any further than to say, discuss it and come to an arrangement that you both consider to be fair. If she doesn't want to discuss it with you, then maybe you don't have the relationship you think you do.
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