Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my girlfriend to repay me or let it go?

Butterfly

Your girlfriend may be getting aggressive because she struggles with money and budgeting and she feels ashamed, so she becomes aggressive because she wants to stop talking about it.  Alternatively, she may generally have anger / passive-aggressive issues which isn't good for you or your relationship, so she'll need to seek therapy for that.  She may also think that because you haven't properly chased her for the money that you don't want it back.  She may also think you don't need it back if you're good with money.   Do you need the £2,000 back?  If so then you need to sit down and have a serious chat with her about a repayment plan.  You could compromise and ask for a smaller sum, say £1,000 to be repaid maybe in small monthly payments.  If you haven't been clear about her paying it back up until now then you may also want to consider writing it off but then be very clear with her going forward.  Either don't lend her money or if you do, be clear about when you want it back, and then chase her if you need to.  Alternatively you could gift money to her if you can afford it.  My fiance pays for things at the moment because I lost my job, he has made it clear that it's a gift so I don't need to pay it back, and he trusts I'll start paying for things again when I can afford it.  I really appreciate his compassion, generosity and good communication skills.  Good luck sorting this out!

Traveller321

She's a scrounger who sounds like she has a sense of entitlement. 

Face it, you're never getting the money back, but that's not really important. What matters is that you get out of that relationship. The longer you stay the worse it gets. 

Medic994

This is going to sound blunt, but if the two of you can't have an open and honest conversation about it (because you're too worried about causing a breakup, or she won't own up to owing the money) then eventually something else will come along and end the relationship. I'd say the money is actually secondary to the communication issues here.

But - regarding the money - it's pretty unlikely she just thought you were treating her all of those times, especially if she hasn't verbalised that when you've brought it up. Sounds like she won't own up to it and just wants you to write it off, which is unfair.

CapeTown

Sorry but she is using you. You have paid for things and she has not contributed. Look in the mirror. See the letters TAMROOD  on your forehead?

ELCPT

I was also in a similar situation with my previous partner. It started off as small sums, and within a short space of time escalated to larger sums more frequently. Long story short, he got approx £20k off me in total... Reader: I married him. Conversations about money ended in arguments and unfulfilled promises to pay every penny back. The last straw was him stealing the money we got for our wedding gifts. It took a lot of courage for me to cut him off as somehow he managed to persuade me that I needed to help him (which was part of the long-standing abuse that I failed to recognise, woods for the trees etc). I cut him off financially and he left shortly after. 

I completely appreciate that this is an extreme example, but at one point he owed me the same amount of money for the same kind of things. It got worse. He never admitted it but was a gambler and functional alcoholic, plus the emotional manipulation/abuse. If you can’t have a civil conversation about money without it descending into an argument, please consider your future together. Money isn’t everything, but it is when you don’t have any and can’t afford to pay your bills because someone is bleeding you dry. 

Mnoee

This is another thread where its impossible to answer without more info. If she has specifically asked to borrow money over the last year or two and hasn't repaid it then just stop lending it. If she hasn't, and you're counting every penny that hasn't been split precisely in half for the past ten years then I'd just let it go. 

keithyno.1

You’re being used as a cash cow, pure and simple. You might feel like you love her now, but it will all end in tears - and they’ll be yours. Time to get rid I’m afraid, because otherwise you’ll face a miserable future where money issues will always come between you.

sas3860

If she gets upset when you try to discuss it with her, why not ask her to pay for a few things; even up the expenditure a little. That way you are, sort of, getting your money back. 

md258

Are your incomes relatively similar? And is everything else (cooking, cleaning, food shopping, childcare, organising repairs etc) split evenly or does she do more of that?

I have always been earning about twice the amount that my wife earns, so I didn't mind "subsidising" her life. She contributes far more than me to the running of the household, so I just saw it as balancing itself out. Does your girlfriend feel that she is doing more of this work than you?

^ I've used the past tense as since we got married and had children, money goes into a shared pot and so there is now no concept of her money and my money.

Middlestitch

Certainly not a partnership, are you?