Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my girlfriend to repay me or let it go?

edited 12 January at 2:00PM in Marriage, Relationships & Families
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  • NaughtiusMaximusNaughtiusMaximus Forumite
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    Some thoughts around Premium Bonds:

    I don't regard Premium Bonds as any sort of real investment. What they do prevent me from doing, however, is wasting money in depressed and/or desperate moment on fantasies of winning the lottery. I can have the fantasies - reasonable ones anyway - whilst spending a very modest amount of money; just the once. Money that I can also claim back if ever I want it.
    Well that's random.

    Wrong thread?
  • Ca_adviceCa_advice Forumite
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    Question is, do you want to be in a relationship where a person expects you to pay? They are unlikely to be good with money so it is only going to be more and more of a problem! Use it as a life lesson and move on!!
  • mobileronmobileron Forumite
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    Get a younger model
  • hannerrbabeshannerrbabes Forumite
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    REJP said:
    Most arguments in long term relationships are about money.
    Completely disagree with this. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and have never had a single argument about money. We both work so have never relied financially on each other. Until we bought a house together, my money was mine and his money was his. We put down an equal share of the mortgage deposit and now pay an equal amount of money into the joint account that we set up for house bills/purchases. Other than that, our income is still our own. As for the odd expenditure like restaurant meals and gifts for family... it's something we casually take in turns with no pressure. If either of us were short of cash or didn't want to make this purchase, we would communicate. Problem solved!
  • NBLondonNBLondon Forumite
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    Really interesting to see the replies and the presumptions based on the limited info on the original post.

    It doesn't say whether this couple are living together and this makes a lot of difference e.g. when money was handed over for rent.  If they are living together and agreed to split the rent - but one month A is short of money and asks B to cover it - that might be taken as a loan of indefinite duration because B might need to ask A to cover in the future.  If they are not living together, A can't make her rent and asks B for money; then it's somewhat different - was it asked for as a loan or as a gift?

    Then there's weddings.  Does this mean the cost of joint gifts where you've both been invited to a wedding?  Or the cost of a new outfit?  Or is it overseas weddings involving travel and accommodation?  Does it read differently depending on which of them is closest to the wedding party?
    Wash your Knobs and Knockers... Keep the Postie safe!
  • PollycatPollycat Forumite
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    NBLondon said:
    Really interesting to see the replies and the presumptions based on the limited info on the original post.

    It doesn't say whether this couple are living together and this makes a lot of difference e.g. when money was handed over for rent.  If they are living together and agreed to split the rent - but one month A is short of money and asks B to cover it - that might be taken as a loan of indefinite duration because B might need to ask A to cover in the future.  If they are not living together, A can't make her rent and asks B for money; then it's somewhat different - was it asked for as a loan or as a gift?

    Then there's weddings.  Does this mean the cost of joint gifts where you've both been invited to a wedding?  Or the cost of a new outfit?  Or is it overseas weddings involving travel and accommodation?  Does it read differently depending on which of them is closest to the wedding party?

    Well, that's all posters have got to go on.
    And no answers to any questions.
  • G3R5KG3R5K Forumite
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    First Post
    MoneySaving Newbie

    I don't think you should be listening to anyone who says to ditch your girlfriend. Your relationship is your own business.
    That said, you HAVE asked for advice so here goes...
    If you are happy to continue as you have until now then do so.

    If you don't want the situation to continue but are happy to write off the past then simply stop bankrolling your girlfriend. Simply let her pay her own way until she realises how much she has been using/depending upon you.

    If you are upset about the level of money you feel you are owed then you have to decide whether it is worth jeopardising the relationship for, and act accordingly.

  • uk2009uk2009 Forumite
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    Here it is "we have a really good relationship" "I don't want to end it over a money issue". So you have paid £2000 for "a really good relationship". It will never be repaid. Continue drip feeding her money or end it and find someone else less defensive and angry. 
  • ginger_chocolateginger_chocolate Forumite
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    I think the question here is why is she getting upset/defensive about paying you back? There's a lot of possible reasons:
    Was she under the impression that the money was a gift and didn't understand that she was expected to repay you?
    Is she struggling for money and doesn't have the means to repay you? If so, is she feeling ashamed or embarrassed about this and/or trying to bury her head in the sand? 
    (Assuming OP is male): Does she come from a culture or family background where women are expected to be financially reliant on their partner and you expecting her to pay her way has come as a surprise or seems alien to her?
    Are you asking in a way that could be perceived as aggresive or shaming (even if not intentionally)? Are there other issues in the relationship that this has got tied up with?
    Is she just used to relying on other people's charity and she can't deal with being called out on being a freeloader?

    So yeah - lots of things that could be going on here. Posters here are all going to project their own experiences and assumptions about the situation, but really what you need to do is ask very honestly and neutrally why there is a problem repaying you and is there anything that would help. Sure - her response may mean you end up splitting up, but I don't think dumping her in a tantrum before you've managed to find out where the problem is is going to be especially productive. For one thing you almost certainly won't get your money back if you do that!
  • NaughtiusMaximusNaughtiusMaximus Forumite
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    Pollycat said:
    NBLondon said:
    Really interesting to see the replies and the presumptions based on the limited info on the original post.

    It doesn't say whether this couple are living together and this makes a lot of difference e.g. when money was handed over for rent.  If they are living together and agreed to split the rent - but one month A is short of money and asks B to cover it - that might be taken as a loan of indefinite duration because B might need to ask A to cover in the future.  If they are not living together, A can't make her rent and asks B for money; then it's somewhat different - was it asked for as a loan or as a gift?

    Then there's weddings.  Does this mean the cost of joint gifts where you've both been invited to a wedding?  Or the cost of a new outfit?  Or is it overseas weddings involving travel and accommodation?  Does it read differently depending on which of them is closest to the wedding party?

    Well, that's all posters have got to go on.
    And no answers to any questions.
    As is the norm for a MSE MMD.
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