Am I right to be annoyed, and if so what should I do about it.

Spendless

Rambosmum said:

Spendless said:

Rambosmum said:

Example today - DH finishes work early to collect the kids from school and take eldest to his swimming lesson. This something he suggested, entirely unprompted or requested by me  great. Except, he always leaves late and doesn't pack the swimming kit. Do I:

1. say nothing about the swimming kit risking either DH being later and not getting to DS on time meaning we have to pay for after school club when in reality he'll be there 5 minutes or DH completely forgetting the kit and DS not being able to have his lesson (he loves swimming and would be absolutely devastated).
2. remind him to pack the bag  but no more, with the likely consequence being 1.
3. remind him to pack bag then pack it if he doesn't do it?

If it were DHs swimming session I'd just leave him to it, but it isn't. 

Doesn't this go back to the suggestion I made earlier. Why can't DS's swimming costume complete with towel and everything else he needs for it, be in a bag that is put in DH's car on a Sunday night. I'm presuming here he takes the car to work then comes back to pick little one up from school before using it to drive to swimming lessons.
BTW - If he collects the kids from school then I'm assumming he is capable of being somewhere at a set time?

Yes, why can't it be in in Sunday night. But is it my job to put it there? If so, why - DH takes him swimming, shouldn't DH also ensure his swimming stuff is ready? 

I also said he's late to collect more often than not, sometimes causing us to have to pay for after school club.

When I asked how will you remember, he said he just will. I asked how, when he's previously forgotten and all I get is "I just will".

Sometimes one partner has better strengths than the other. Presumably child's swimming costume is washed weekly. Stick it and a towel in a bag and on the front door handle, on a morning when DH is leaving to go to work.
Whilstever you either do it yourself or say 'why should I' you're at stalemate. 

gettingtheresometime

suejb2 said:

There needs to be consequences for his inabilities. 

He can deal with his irate parents (lunch)
He can deal with his upset child (swimming)

This in bucket loads.

as a slightly similar situation, when junior was about 7 we were going out & I asked him to put his coat on. He didn't want to so we went out anyway. 10 minutes later, he's complaining of being cold to which I replied that was the reason I told him to put his coat on....& we didn't rush back either.

my point is unless your husband realises there consequences, he's not going to learn, is he?

pinkshoes

OMG I thought Mr Pinkshoes was bad!!!

My DH is only capable of organising himself and his dogs. Sometimes I am sure he forgets we have kids. I organise everything. I do all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, food shopping. I work 3 days a week as a teacher, but only because if I worked full time it would be a logistical nightmare with the kids.

My solution? Mostly, I didn’t invite him. I would take the kids out and leave him on his own.

More recently my sanity was slipping so I needed a new strategy as otherwise our marriage was doomed. I go out on a Sunday for 4 hours with a friend and leave him all by himself to entertain and feed the kids. I have also stopped cooking meals on work days and he has to fend for himself. The kids and I have school lunches so only need a snack tea!

a month on and things have improved. He slowly seems to be learning how much I do round the house. 

Finally, I only do chores when he is watching! He now appreciates the house is not self cleaning and crusty pants do not turn themselves fresh.

Spendless

Rambosmum said:

CRANKY40 said:

Can he actually tell the time? My son has dyscalculia and has no idea of when he is supposed to be ready if I use time. I bought him an echo dot and it's fab. "Alexa set an alarm for 10 minutes".... just tell him the alarm will go when he has to get ready. He excels in IT because the maths etc for that is different. He gets to his lessons in school by following his mates. If I say to him "half an hour until..." whatever it happens to be, he has no idea of what that actually means to him. If I'm going shoppng I ask if we need anything and he always says no. He has no concept of how long a six pack of crisps will last say - he genuinely doesn't understand that they will run out before I go shopping if I only go once a week. He's not stupid, he's in the top three in his school year for English but he would also have no idea how to calculate how much food would be needed for more people than one for more than a day.

I see that someone else has already suggested that it could be an autism spectrum disorder. That was my first thought too. Ask him if he had problems with any particular subjects in school. 

Yes he can tell the time. He just can't tell how long he takes to do a task. We have a smart home, Google homes in every room except the kids bedrooms but he won't use them to set reminders etc, only cooking based alarms, we've already discussed that. He won't set reminders in his phone either. 

Do you know why he won't set alarms? I'm only asking because I tend to ask why to everything. I notice my IL's don't always. My FIL was recently widowed. He's disabled, uses a walking frame and sits in the back of the house for most of the day. My husband told him he needed to start locking his front door for safety. FIL got very angry saying he didn't want to, shouting this several times. DH just got annoyed with his Dad. I asked my FIL why and got the reply that he wanted people to be able to walk in and see him including the neighbours who had been called during my MIL's illness. Once we were aware of his reasoning we could reach a suitable compromise. Now I'm pretty sure if I hadn't been present DH would have just come back home grumbling and saying his Dad had just got angry and shouted when he fetched up locking the front door. I equally accept that I'm probably annoying to some because of my tendancy to question everything. I'm just wondering if you got to the bottom of his refusal to set alarms, which would help his organisational skills you could find some coping strategies. 

Savvy_Sue

Rambosmum said:

Sky_ said:

I'd remind him once, then leave it at that.  If your DS is anything like my kids, then your DH will soon be VERY sorry that he forgot and your DS will make sure it doesn't happen many more times!!! 

Honestly, it won't do either of them any harm to deal with the consequences of your DH's poor memory/lack of focus.  How would your children cope if DH was a single parent?

I guess not, I just feel really sorry for DS. He isn't really at an age where he can take responsibility for it (he is only just getting the idea of week days and weekends, doesn't yet keep track of the days of the week). He's quite an anxious child and very emotional and seems like teaching DH a lesson at DSs expense and no real impact on DH.

Would DS's upsetness not have any impact on your DH? 

We have to operate with lists. DH isn't bad, he just doesn't always know - and when the boys were small knew less - what is on my mental list of things to do before we go out. So it goes out of my mental list, and onto our shared calendar, with reminders which buzz on both phones. I also ask what he needs to do before we leave: there will usually be 'just a couple of emails to write', he'll estimate he needs half an hour, I'll allow an hour. 

One thing, as the children get older (and the 4 year old could start with this soon) we had a 'packing list' for each of them. The list went something like

• pants
• socks
• t-shirts
• trousers
• sweatshirts
• swimming trunks
• towel
• slippers
• books
• Brown Bear / Clownie

So this was on the computer, each boy's list was personalised (one boy took Brown Bear, the other had Clownie), and I'd write next to it HOW MANY of each item was needed. 

Each of them had their own bag, and initially they would bring me their bag with the right no. of clothes etc, and I'd check and pack the bag.

It all worked really well, until the first time I let the eldest pack his own stuff and didn't check it. I think it was just trousers he completely forgot to pack, could have been worse ... 

Rambosmum

He doesn't like lists, reminders, alarms or instructions because it suggests he can't think for himself and he can't remember. He does not like to be reminded of things he finds challenging. 

Savvy_Sue

Rambosmum said:

He doesn't like lists, reminders, alarms or instructions because it suggests he can't think for himself and he can't remember. He does not like to be reminded of things he finds challenging. 

I guess in that case he'd probably ignore them on principle. However MY take is that the list is for MY benefit, because otherwise I forget things. But that might be a possible way in: exploring why it is better to fail so spectacularly to do things than to have prompts to help him do things better?

Would he consider relationship counselling? You are clearly getting to the end of your tether. 

the behaviour you described in your first and some other posts would drive me nuts. Falling out of bed 10 minutes before we were due to leave would be bad enough, but taking an hour or more to get just himself together - no, just no ...  

Spendless

Rambosmum said:

He doesn't like lists, reminders, alarms or instructions because it suggests he can't think for himself and he can't remember. He does not like to be reminded of things he finds challenging. 

That would drive me nuts tbh as I'd just answer 'well you can't' 
I've just remembered though, in the days when we needed school holiday childcare, I could never pin DH down to discussing when he'd take off, what we'd do etc.  However, DH loved spreadsheets, so I just put all the days we needed care into a spreadsheet then emailed it over to him. That used to get his attention.

MalMonroe

Rambosmum said:

There is me, DH and our 2 kids (4 and 1). 

Without fail, if we have a day out planned (planned mainly by me but also occasionally by DH), I get myself and the kids ready, organise and make the pack lunch, pack up the car and DH get himself dressed. And it is driving me absolutely bonkers! He appears incapable of organising himself in the morning so that he can get both himself ready and do something else e.g. organise a child or pack the car. If I leave a job for him to do, he will inevitably use all of the time up until the arranged departure time to get himself ready and THEN, when we are supposed to be leaving, do the other job he has which means we are often late. This isn't a huge issue currently as we aren't meeting other people so aren't inconveniencing anyone else however it also happens if we do have others to meet or a specific entry time for example.

Am I destined to always be late? Or to always be the one getting everyone and everything ready?

To pre-empt questions:
- 4yo can dress himself but still needs help ensuring clothes are weather and activity appropriate and on the right way, help brushing hair and cleaning teeth, breakfast making etc. 
- I have spoken with DH about this, many. many times and no change. Even when we agree the previous evening his tasks and mine, discuss all the time we need get up, how long a task will take etc. 
- I've tried just not doing it - we were 2 hours late, more than once as a result. 
- I've tried giving him fake start/ departure times to allow extra time, same thing happens but now we end up extra late if I don't do it. 

Any suggestions? Please.

I honestly think that your husband is depressed, I really do. 

His behaviour is classic clinically depressed behaviour. I don't think he's being deliberately obtuse but there's obviously something wrong. I guess he won't consider going to see his doctor? He's struggling with organising himself in the morning or even keeping to the simple agreements you have made between you and he obviously doesn't feel able to talk to you about how he's feeling or what's going on.

Rather than getting annoyed and feeling angry, I'd try to speak to him about exactly what's wrong. And do encourage him to see his GP because this won't go away on its own. He is ill and he needs help.

Unfortunately, I know these things because I've been through exactly the same thing myself - and I recognise those symptoms. 

Abbafan1972

Let him take the children to see his parents and you have a day to yourself then. A day out of the house so he has to figure things out himself even if it results in them not leaving the house. 
This is the best solution.