Am I right to be annoyed, and if so what should I do about it.

Pollycat

Rambosmum said:

I agree. And said so. I also said, even if he didn't think he thought that, the behaviour shows he does and it's what people believe of him as actions speak louder than words. 

And if he continues being late and continues getting away with it, why would he even bother putting himself out to change?

Rambosmum

Pollycat said:

Rambosmum said:

I agree. And said so. I also said, even if he didn't think he thought that, the behaviour shows he does and it's what people believe of him as actions speak louder than words. 

And if he continues being late and continues getting away with it, why would he even bother putting himself out to change?

One time, we were 2 hours late to meet his parents and over lunch, his dad blamed me (he assumes DH is like him, where as he is more like me and DH like his mother) and I put him straight, explaining in detail how it was DHs fault. DH was not happy with me, but I said to him that alternative is me taking the blame for something that is his fault and I'm not doing that. He couldn't really argue.

Sky_

Rambosmum said:

I guess not, I just feel really sorry for DS. He isn't really at an age where he can take responsibility for it (he is only just getting the idea of week days and weekends, doesn't yet keep track of the days of the week). He's quite an anxious child and very emotional and seems like teaching DH a lesson at DSs expense and no real impact on DH.

I wouldn't see it as teaching DH a lesson at DS's expense, but rather as allowing them to freely develop their relationship and understanding of each other.  There are many good ways to bring up children and I believe it is important for each parent to develop their own, unique relationship with their children.  You've said that DH is a caring and understanding dad, so surely you trust him to console your DS appropriately and to develop his own understanding of how important the activity is to your DS.

I'd also be careful not to feed into any tendency your DS has to catastrophise the situation--people do forget things and no-one (and life) is not perfect, so it's important that children learn that it is not the end of the world when minor mistakes happen and that they learn to take life with a pinch of salt and a little humour.  In other words, try not to sweat the small stuff--your children have two loving and caring parents and it won't hurt them to learn that things go awry sometimes and that it really isn't the end of the world when this happens with minor issues.

Saying that, good luck--I can almost feel your frustration in your posts, so I sympathise with you.

Rambosmum

Primrose said:

It's partly a matter of training.
When  we were very young and first married my husband who always wore his long shirt sleeves rolled up, threw them into the laundry bin like that  unrolled. He would never In roll them. 

We were hard up.  He only had about three shirts.  We had no washing machine.  I simply washed them in that state and in the winter the rolledup cotton parts took days to dry hanging on the line so some days he had no dry shirts to wear.

He soon learned to unroll the sleeves so they dried more quickly!
We all need to be trained out  of bad habits when they affect others. Perhaps you just have to proceed living your family life without his input and leave him out of your arrangements if he can't or won't get his act together.  .  Make him responsible  for remembering his own family birthdays etc snd  tell his family he,s responsible.  Just proceed without him if he continually is unable or unwilling get his act together.

Do you think this is laziness on his part, knowing you will step in and organise things or is he possibly autistic in some way and had never been diagnosed ? 

I suggest you sit down once more together to thrash this out and give him specific examples of where things need to improve so he has areas he can't concentrate on improving.  I doubt he'll suddenly become Mr Efficiency overnight.  We all need years of training to improve our habits. 

He already is responsible for everything which impacts only him - so all his families birthdays/ Christmas etc, his laundry, his work, his holiday packing etc. There is literally nothing more I can hand over without it impacting on me and the kids. 

Last time we had a discussion about housework (he does his share, just in his own time - so leaving the bathroom until it is really in need of a clean and then deep cleaning, not cleaning regularly or before people come) and his solution was to pay for a cleaner, which whilst great, cannot be used to solve every issue. 

Aranyani

Rambosmum said:

Example today - DH finishes work early to collect the kids from school and take eldest to his swimming lesson. This something he suggested, entirely unprompted or requested by me  great. Except, he always leaves late and doesn't pack the swimming kit. Do I:

1. say nothing about the swimming kit risking either DH being later and not getting to DS on time meaning we have to pay for after school club when in reality he'll be there 5 minutes or DH completely forgetting the kit and DS not being able to have his lesson (he loves swimming and would be absolutely devastated).
2. remind him to pack the bag  but no more, with the likely consequence being 1.
3. remind him to pack bag then pack it if he doesn't do it?

If it were DHs swimming session I'd just leave him to it, but it isn't. 

Ask him how he is going to make sure that he remembers the swimming kit for starters. 

Rambosmum

Aranyani said:

Rambosmum said:

Example today - DH finishes work early to collect the kids from school and take eldest to his swimming lesson. This something he suggested, entirely unprompted or requested by me  great. Except, he always leaves late and doesn't pack the swimming kit. Do I:

1. say nothing about the swimming kit risking either DH being later and not getting to DS on time meaning we have to pay for after school club when in reality he'll be there 5 minutes or DH completely forgetting the kit and DS not being able to have his lesson (he loves swimming and would be absolutely devastated).
2. remind him to pack the bag  but no more, with the likely consequence being 1.
3. remind him to pack bag then pack it if he doesn't do it?

If it were DHs swimming session I'd just leave him to it, but it isn't. 

Ask him how he is going to make sure that he remembers the swimming kit for starters. 

Answer: "I will"
Me: but you didn't last week and were late.
him: but I will this week.

Lets place bets now on whether or not he will. If it were me, I'd get the swimming kit ready tonight and out it in my car, which I have previously suggested, to no avail.

gozaimasu

Gutted to read that you've already talked about mental load with him and that nothing is happening, because I was going to suggest you sit him down and make him read this:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I agree with Sky_'s approach - I like the suggestion of the kids "losing out". My only other suggestion would be that you pack the kids away to the grandparents (or some other neutral third party, a friend, a summer camp etc) and tell your DH that it's really getting you down and that you'd like to take a break from him for a couple of weeks, to re-assess the relationship. What's the longest time you've ever spent apart? Could work like a reset button if you're apart for a time.

Aranyani

Rambosmum said:

Aranyani said:

Rambosmum said:

Example today - DH finishes work early to collect the kids from school and take eldest to his swimming lesson. This something he suggested, entirely unprompted or requested by me  great. Except, he always leaves late and doesn't pack the swimming kit. Do I:

1. say nothing about the swimming kit risking either DH being later and not getting to DS on time meaning we have to pay for after school club when in reality he'll be there 5 minutes or DH completely forgetting the kit and DS not being able to have his lesson (he loves swimming and would be absolutely devastated).
2. remind him to pack the bag  but no more, with the likely consequence being 1.
3. remind him to pack bag then pack it if he doesn't do it?

If it were DHs swimming session I'd just leave him to it, but it isn't. 

Ask him how he is going to make sure that he remembers the swimming kit for starters. 

Answer: "I will"
Me: but you didn't last week and were late.
him: but I will this week.

Lets place bets now on whether or not he will. If it were me, I'd get the swimming kit ready tonight and out it in my car, which I have previously suggested, to no avail.

Not 'will you', but 'how will you'.  Can he set a reminder in his phone, leave a note on the front door, there are loads of ways forgetful people use to help themselves remember things if they actually care about remembering them. 

Although I'm starting to think that maybe you aren't after advice but just a moan. 

Pollycat

Rambosmum said:

One time, we were 2 hours late to meet his parents and over lunch, his dad blamed me (he assumes DH is like him, where as he is more like me and DH like his mother) and I put him straight, explaining in detail how it was DHs fault. DH was not happy with me, but I said to him that alternative is me taking the blame for something that is his fault and I'm not doing that. He couldn't really argue.

But it hasn't changed him. Has it?
I would have refused to go to the lunch.
I would have contacted his parents and told them why I wasn't going to meet them.
And if I were his parents, I'd have not been there when he turned up, regardless of whether you were supposed to be meeting in a restaurant or at their home.

Rambosmum

gozaimasu said:

Gutted to read that you've already talked about mental load with him and that nothing is happening, because I was going to suggest you sit him down and make him read this:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I agree with Sky_'s approach - I like the suggestion of the kids "losing out". My only other suggestion would be that you pack the kids away to the grandparents (or some other neutral third party, a friend, a summer camp etc) and tell your DH that it's really getting you down and that you'd like to take a break from him for a couple of weeks, to re-assess the relationship. What's the longest time you've ever spent apart? Could work like a reset button if you're apart for a time.

And that is what I used to discuss it with him! Well, I'd discussed it before as well, but yes. He sort of gets it, but it isn't that he thinks I should just do it, or I should just ask, but that most of the stuff shouldn't be done at all. I'm not sure if he's just ridiculously relaxed (why think about dinner until I'm hungry?) or lazy (I can't be arsed to think about dinner now, I'll leave it until later).

I'm not sure I'm ready for a separation, but it is certainly heading that way. I think us being so relaxed during lockdown has really highlighted the issues as they arise again now. As though they are arising for the first time.