Am I right to be annoyed, and if so what should I do about it.

Rambosmum

There is me, DH and our 2 kids (4 and 1). 

Without fail, if we have a day out planned (planned mainly by me but also occasionally by DH), I get myself and the kids ready, organise and make the pack lunch, pack up the car and DH get himself dressed. And it is driving me absolutely bonkers! He appears incapable of organising himself in the morning so that he can get both himself ready and do something else e.g. organise a child or pack the car. If I leave a job for him to do, he will inevitably use all of the time up until the arranged departure time to get himself ready and THEN, when we are supposed to be leaving, do the other job he has which means we are often late. This isn't a huge issue currently as we aren't meeting other people so aren't inconveniencing anyone else however it also happens if we do have others to meet or a specific entry time for example.

Am I destined to always be late? Or to always be the one getting everyone and everything ready?

To pre-empt questions:
- 4yo can dress himself but still needs help ensuring clothes are weather and activity appropriate and on the right way, help brushing hair and cleaning teeth, breakfast making etc. 
- I have spoken with DH about this, many. many times and no change. Even when we agree the previous evening his tasks and mine, discuss all the time we need get up, how long a task will take etc. 
- I've tried just not doing it - we were 2 hours late, more than once as a result. 
- I've tried giving him fake start/ departure times to allow extra time, same thing happens but now we end up extra late if I don't do it. 

Any suggestions? Please.

JamoLew

From my viewpoint , what could be happening is:
Mum gets used to doing all these tasks and multi-tasking and finds her way of doing things and a routine
Dad tries to helps, messes up a few times and gets moaned at for not doing things quickly enough/well enough - mum takes over
Dad gets fed up with feeling/being made to feel useless
Dad stops helping 

Retireby40

JamoLew said:

From my viewpoint , what could be happening is:
Mum gets used to doing all these tasks and multi-tasking and finds her way of doing things and a routine
Dad tries to helps, messes up a few times and gets moaned at for not doing things quickly enough/well enough - mum takes over
Dad gets fed up with feeling/being made to feel useless
Dad stops helping 

But how does Dad ever "get used to" doing task at a reasonable speed if he just "stops helping". What's he going to do when Mum takes sick and maybe has to spend a week in hospital. Is Dad going to be bringing the kids to school at 10.30am. And picking them up at 5pm.

I think it's more that he knows Mum is going to do the things so he leaves it to her and bluffing his way out. 

Dad needs to step up and start organising at least 1 child while mum organises the rest and with the other child. 

Aranyani

JamoLew said:

From my viewpoint , what could be happening is:
Mum gets used to doing all these tasks and multi-tasking and finds her way of doing things and a routine
Dad tries to helps, messes up a few times and gets moaned at for not doing things quickly enough/well enough - mum takes over
Dad gets fed up with feeling/being made to feel useless
Dad stops helping 

So dad repeatedly over many years fails to do his fair share, but its always mum's fault?

warby68

JamoLew said:

From my viewpoint , what could be happening is:
Mum gets used to doing all these tasks and multi-tasking and finds her way of doing things and a routine
Dad tries to helps, messes up a few times and gets moaned at for not doing things quickly enough/well enough - mum takes over
Dad gets fed up with feeling/being made to feel useless
Dad stops helping 

If that's the case, dad needs to grow up and get better at stuff.
And, how did mum get used to doing it all in the first place?
2 adults - donkey work should be divided up unless good reasons why not. It shouldn't be dad 'helping' mum - that makes it sound like its all her job and he's doing a favour.

JamoLew

Aranyani said:

JamoLew said:

From my viewpoint , what could be happening is:
Mum gets used to doing all these tasks and multi-tasking and finds her way of doing things and a routine
Dad tries to helps, messes up a few times and gets moaned at for not doing things quickly enough/well enough - mum takes over
Dad gets fed up with feeling/being made to feel useless
Dad stops helping 

So dad repeatedly over many years fails to do his fair share, but its always mum's fault?

never said it was Mum's fault, usually both are - but Mums do need to remember that Dad hasn't got the routine/skills that are developed during mat leave etc etc and if they aren't given the opportunity to develop them (or the instruction/encouragement) then many will just "give up"
Dads at fault for taking the easy way out
Mums at fault for "losing patience" and taking over
It's not just with kids that this happens -- many many other facets of relationships,life and even work display these "issues"

KxMx

I wouldn't be impressed with such poor timekeeping from a grown man either.

Having said that, if mornings are the issue look at what share he can do the night before instead. 

Lunches can be done and placed in the fridge overnight, he can help 4yo pick out a few clothing choices left out ready, certain things loaded to the car etc.

May be less stress for you both. 

Comms69

Do you work? 

Rambosmum

Comms69 said:

Do you work? 

Yes. We both work full time. 

Comms69

Rambosmum said:

Comms69 said:

Do you work? 

Yes. We both work full time. 

In that case there's no excuse really. 

Often - i think Jamo was alluding to this also - the stay at home parent develops a system which works for them, without any input from the working parent, and then expects it to work for that person. That would be totally unreasonable.

In your case you are both in and out of the house / responsible for childcare equally, and therefore he needs to be proactive in developing a system. 

warby68

What about taking turns instead of dividing up each time?
You might be late but at least you get the luxury of just getting yourself ready once in a while.