Am I right to be annoyed, and if so what should I do about it.

Spendless

Google 'The mental load'
Are any of the jobs given absolutely needed for the journey to go ahead? If not see about them being done in the days prior to going out or the days following.
As your children get older they will become able to do more tasks themselves which in turn will free you up. Eg a teenagers idea of going out is to have a charged up phone though they might have needed to spend several hours choosing their outfit and doing hair/make-up beforehand! 

sazzybum

Go without him? 

Aranyani

JamoLew said:

Aranyani said:

JamoLew said:

From my viewpoint , what could be happening is:
Mum gets used to doing all these tasks and multi-tasking and finds her way of doing things and a routine
Dad tries to helps, messes up a few times and gets moaned at for not doing things quickly enough/well enough - mum takes over
Dad gets fed up with feeling/being made to feel useless
Dad stops helping 

So dad repeatedly over many years fails to do his fair share, but its always mum's fault?

never said it was Mum's fault, usually both are - but Mums do need to remember that Dad hasn't got the routine/skills that are developed during mat leave etc etc and if they aren't given the opportunity to develop them (or the instruction/encouragement) then many will just "give up"
Dads at fault for taking the easy way out
Mums at fault for "losing patience" and taking over
It's not just with kids that this happens -- many many other facets of relationships,life and even work display these "issues"

I wonder how dad manages to get himself dressed, out of the house and hold down a job if he can't get a 4 year old ready to leave the house or put bags and children into a car. 

Aranyani

sazzybum said:

Go without him? 

Good answer!

OP have a read of this story, but bear in mind I am not wanting to give you any ideas here! 

http://storage.cloversites.com/christianlifecollege/documents/The Way up to Heaven.pdf

JamoLew

Aranyani said:

JamoLew said:

Aranyani said:

JamoLew said:

From my viewpoint , what could be happening is:
Mum gets used to doing all these tasks and multi-tasking and finds her way of doing things and a routine
Dad tries to helps, messes up a few times and gets moaned at for not doing things quickly enough/well enough - mum takes over
Dad gets fed up with feeling/being made to feel useless
Dad stops helping 

So dad repeatedly over many years fails to do his fair share, but its always mum's fault?

never said it was Mum's fault, usually both are - but Mums do need to remember that Dad hasn't got the routine/skills that are developed during mat leave etc etc and if they aren't given the opportunity to develop them (or the instruction/encouragement) then many will just "give up"
Dads at fault for taking the easy way out
Mums at fault for "losing patience" and taking over
It's not just with kids that this happens -- many many other facets of relationships,life and even work display these "issues"

I wonder how dad manages to get himself dressed, out of the house and hold down a job if he can't get a 4 year old ready to leave the house or put bags and children into a car. 

Quite easily if he's never been "allowed" to figure it out himself without no interference/comments.
I am heavily involved in training with my role and unless you let people try their way and make mistakes and learn their own method - they will never learn
You can show them, direct them, impart your wisdom and experience, but it doesn't mean its always right or will work for others
Taking over because you don't agree with the way they are doing something or because it's not "your way" is counter productive.
We are only getting one side of the story here as well

An example:
When my wife is cooking, she will NEVER let me help, no matter what.
If I try, i get shouted at to leave her alone as she wants to do it her way.
If I'm cooking, shes constantly looking over my shoulder, telling me what to do, criticising and trying to help - even though I am more than capable of managing by myself.
I'm exactly the same when I'm cleaning or tidying - I would rather do it myself, my way with no help
It doesn't take much of this to just not bother or take the easy way out (for both parties)

OP, you really need to have a good sit down with him and have a proper discussion rather than letting this simmer, you obviously aren't happy with the situation, but he's no mind reader, you need to tell him

Rambosmum

Spendless said:

Google 'The mental load'
Are any of the jobs given absolutely needed for the journey to go ahead? If not see about them being done in the days prior to going out or the days following.
As your children get older they will become able to do more tasks themselves which in turn will free you up. Eg a teenagers idea of going out is to have a charged up phone though they might have needed to spend several hours choosing their outfit and doing hair/make-up beforehand! 

We've had lots of conversations about mental load over the years. His answer is "just don't do it" which worked pre kids. But now, if I don't do the food shop, the laundry, pay the bills, it isn't just us that suffers. So I do the stuff urgent to me and the kids, but don't remind him about his stuff (leading to an increasingly large parking ticket for him, no clean underwear etc). When it comes to going out for the day, task are just pertinent to the day out, not the rest of the household stuff. 

An example, which has lead to this thread, was yesterday. On Saturday we discussed our plans for Sunday, which were a day out with his parents, organised by him but the detail planned by me (due to time constraints rather than anything else).  We agreed on a packed lunch as food at the location was poor, he headed to the shops and bought stuff for him and I, no consideration as to what the kids would eat (as in insufficient amount of food for 4). Second trip to the shop, came back incomplete. Sunday AM, his lie in day (we take it in turns each weekend day). We agreed on Saturday night a time for him to get up to allow him to get himself and a child ready and then care for the kids whilst I pack the car. He agreed to a slightly earlier get up so he didn't need to make the pack lunch on Saturday night. Sunday, he got up 15 minutes late (no biggy) then took the entire hour to get himself ready (shower and dressed). Arrived downstairs saying "I'll make the pack lunch now", this was 10 minutes after we should have set off. 

Rambosmum

Aranyani said:

JamoLew said:

Aranyani said:

JamoLew said:

From my viewpoint , what could be happening is:
Mum gets used to doing all these tasks and multi-tasking and finds her way of doing things and a routine
Dad tries to helps, messes up a few times and gets moaned at for not doing things quickly enough/well enough - mum takes over
Dad gets fed up with feeling/being made to feel useless
Dad stops helping 

So dad repeatedly over many years fails to do his fair share, but its always mum's fault?

never said it was Mum's fault, usually both are - but Mums do need to remember that Dad hasn't got the routine/skills that are developed during mat leave etc etc and if they aren't given the opportunity to develop them (or the instruction/encouragement) then many will just "give up"
Dads at fault for taking the easy way out
Mums at fault for "losing patience" and taking over
It's not just with kids that this happens -- many many other facets of relationships,life and even work display these "issues"

I wonder how dad manages to get himself dressed, out of the house and hold down a job if he can't get a 4 year old ready to leave the house or put bags and children into a car. 

He thankfully has a very flexible job, he often starts later than he has planned in his head - he doesn't have set hours. He is currently working from home but pre-covid, often missed his train. . 

Aranyani

JamoLew said:

Aranyani said:

JamoLew said:

Aranyani said:

JamoLew said:

From my viewpoint , what could be happening is:
Mum gets used to doing all these tasks and multi-tasking and finds her way of doing things and a routine
Dad tries to helps, messes up a few times and gets moaned at for not doing things quickly enough/well enough - mum takes over
Dad gets fed up with feeling/being made to feel useless
Dad stops helping 

So dad repeatedly over many years fails to do his fair share, but its always mum's fault?

never said it was Mum's fault, usually both are - but Mums do need to remember that Dad hasn't got the routine/skills that are developed during mat leave etc etc and if they aren't given the opportunity to develop them (or the instruction/encouragement) then many will just "give up"
Dads at fault for taking the easy way out
Mums at fault for "losing patience" and taking over
It's not just with kids that this happens -- many many other facets of relationships,life and even work display these "issues"

I wonder how dad manages to get himself dressed, out of the house and hold down a job if he can't get a 4 year old ready to leave the house or put bags and children into a car. 

Quite easily if he's never been "allowed" to figure it out himself without no interference/comments.

We're not talking about stuff that needs to be 'figured out', these are basic tasks any functioning adult can do easily. 

GBNI

A lot of posters seem to forget this is a grown man we're talking about, but he sounds like a child especially if he was previously like this as well! OP, I feel sorry for you but it doesn't sound like he's going to change, no matter what you do.

Aranyani

Rambosmum said:

Aranyani said:

JamoLew said:

Aranyani said:

JamoLew said:

From my viewpoint , what could be happening is:
Mum gets used to doing all these tasks and multi-tasking and finds her way of doing things and a routine
Dad tries to helps, messes up a few times and gets moaned at for not doing things quickly enough/well enough - mum takes over
Dad gets fed up with feeling/being made to feel useless
Dad stops helping 

So dad repeatedly over many years fails to do his fair share, but its always mum's fault?

never said it was Mum's fault, usually both are - but Mums do need to remember that Dad hasn't got the routine/skills that are developed during mat leave etc etc and if they aren't given the opportunity to develop them (or the instruction/encouragement) then many will just "give up"
Dads at fault for taking the easy way out
Mums at fault for "losing patience" and taking over
It's not just with kids that this happens -- many many other facets of relationships,life and even work display these "issues"

I wonder how dad manages to get himself dressed, out of the house and hold down a job if he can't get a 4 year old ready to leave the house or put bags and children into a car. 

He thankfully has a very flexible job, he often starts later than he has planned in his head - he doesn't have set hours. He is currently working from home but pre-covid, often missed his train. . 

But he is perfectly capable of doing the things that matter to him, and that he feels a sense of responsibility for, right? 

So the difference has to be that this doesn't matter that much to him, and he doesn't see it as his job.