Am I right to be annoyed, and if so what should I do about it.

Rambosmum

Aranyani said:

Rambosmum said:

Pollycat said:

He's not stepping up because he knows you're there to do it.

So what's the solution?
I don't actually think you are right, I think he's just genuinely inept (his mothers son), but if you are, how do you solve it?

If you think he us just naturally hopeless, aren't you desperately worried about the safety and wellbeing of your children if you were to become ill  or have an accident?

No. I think they'd be safe. I don't think he would do everything I do but he's turned out ok. I think he'd be a parent like his parent - mildly neglectful but with the best intentions and consideration where it matters. He's very kind and gentle and loving. He doesn't plan ahead and they'd be constantly late. 

Pollycat

Rambosmum said:

Pollycat said:

He's not stepping up because he knows you're there to do it.

So what's the solution?
I don't actually think you are right, I think he's just genuinely inept (his mothers son), but if you are, how do you solve it?

My solution would be to tell him what he's not doing.

Tell him what you expect of him.

Even if you are right (I'm not disputing you aren't - you know him, I don't) do you think that people can't change?

If you are just writing it off as ineptitude, no wonder you're not getting anywhere.

Not quite a similar situation but my ex husband had a habit of taking off his white work shirts with the buttons still fastened but inside out.

After asking him to unbutton them and put them the right way round, I started washing them as he'd left them and ironing them inside out, hanging them like that in his wardrobe.

When he got to the first shirt like that, he was pretty angry.

I pointed out that it was his problem.

He either did as I'd asked or he wash and iron them himself.

He decided it was easier to take off his shirts properly.

Rambosmum

Pollycat said:

Rambosmum said:

Pollycat said:

He's not stepping up because he knows you're there to do it.

So what's the solution?
I don't actually think you are right, I think he's just genuinely inept (his mothers son), but if you are, how do you solve it?

My solution would be to tell him what he's not doing.

Tell him what you expect of him.

Even if you are right (I'm not disputing you aren't - you know him, I don't) do you think that people can't change?

If you are just writing it off as ineptitude, no wonder you're not getting anywhere.

Not quite a similar situation but my ex husband had a habit of taking off his white work shirts with the buttons still fastened but inside out.

After asking him to unbutton them and put them the right way round, I started washing them as he'd left them and ironing them inside out, hanging them like that in his wardrobe.

When he got to the first shirt like that, he was pretty angry.

I pointed out that it was his problem.

He either did as I'd asked or he wash and iron them himself.

He decided it was easier to take off his shirts properly.

As I said in my OP, I have spoken to him about it. I do so every time we go out (prior to), divvying up tasks and setting the expectation. And still...

Unlike laundry I cannot just not do it. I cannot leave to see his parents without him in the car, I cannot go on a day out with stuff the kids need. It isn't him who suffers, it is other people. I already don't do his laundry. but me not doing his laundry only impacts him.

Aranyani

Rambosmum said:

Pollycat said:

Rambosmum said:

Pollycat said:

He's not stepping up because he knows you're there to do it.

So what's the solution?
I don't actually think you are right, I think he's just genuinely inept (his mothers son), but if you are, how do you solve it?

My solution would be to tell him what he's not doing.

Tell him what you expect of him.

Even if you are right (I'm not disputing you aren't - you know him, I don't) do you think that people can't change?

If you are just writing it off as ineptitude, no wonder you're not getting anywhere.

Not quite a similar situation but my ex husband had a habit of taking off his white work shirts with the buttons still fastened but inside out.

After asking him to unbutton them and put them the right way round, I started washing them as he'd left them and ironing them inside out, hanging them like that in his wardrobe.

When he got to the first shirt like that, he was pretty angry.

I pointed out that it was his problem.

He either did as I'd asked or he wash and iron them himself.

He decided it was easier to take off his shirts properly.

I cannot leave to see his parents without him in the car

Yes you can!

Sky_

My OH is a bit like this, he's better at getting himself to places on time but has always struggled with more vague things, like get a child ready for x activity, or pack the car etc.  The children are now in their 20's and have survived, lol.

I dealt with it by partly (when needed) giving explicit instructions/lists etc and partly (where possible) leaving him to get on with some things in his own time and develop his own strategies.  For example, I'd go shopping or out with friends and leave him with the babies/children for several hours.   He also used to take the children to the park for a couple of hours on a Saturday or Sunday morning and I got on with things I needed to do and avoided getting involved in the organisation of getting him and the kids out of the house.  He did forget things at times but that was for him to sort out, as a fully functioning adult parent.  It worked well and as he became more confident in managing, he gradually took on a fairer share of house/child care and organisation.

When we chatted about it some years later, I was surprised to learn that he initially struggled when I was around because he felt less competent than me (I'd had more practice) and was worried about failing/disappointing me, but when alone with the children he just got on with things and his skills gradually improved.  I'm not a particularly controlling or critical person and didn't usually comment on how he did things, but my OH can be very proud and fears 'failing' more than I do--something many men seem to struggle with.  

Rambosmum

Aranyani said:

Rambosmum said:

Pollycat said:

Rambosmum said:

Pollycat said:

He's not stepping up because he knows you're there to do it.

So what's the solution?
I don't actually think you are right, I think he's just genuinely inept (his mothers son), but if you are, how do you solve it?

My solution would be to tell him what he's not doing.

Tell him what you expect of him.

Even if you are right (I'm not disputing you aren't - you know him, I don't) do you think that people can't change?

If you are just writing it off as ineptitude, no wonder you're not getting anywhere.

Not quite a similar situation but my ex husband had a habit of taking off his white work shirts with the buttons still fastened but inside out.

After asking him to unbutton them and put them the right way round, I started washing them as he'd left them and ironing them inside out, hanging them like that in his wardrobe.

When he got to the first shirt like that, he was pretty angry.

I pointed out that it was his problem.

He either did as I'd asked or he wash and iron them himself.

He decided it was easier to take off his shirts properly.

I cannot leave to see his parents without him in the car

Yes you can!

But that's unfair on his parents and he gets a day by himself to do what he likes, whilst I have to look after the kids. That doesn't seem like it sends the right message!

[Deleted User]

Rambosmum said:

Aranyani said:

Rambosmum said:

Pollycat said:

Rambosmum said:

Pollycat said:

He's not stepping up because he knows you're there to do it.

So what's the solution?
I don't actually think you are right, I think he's just genuinely inept (his mothers son), but if you are, how do you solve it?

My solution would be to tell him what he's not doing.

Tell him what you expect of him.

Even if you are right (I'm not disputing you aren't - you know him, I don't) do you think that people can't change?

If you are just writing it off as ineptitude, no wonder you're not getting anywhere.

Not quite a similar situation but my ex husband had a habit of taking off his white work shirts with the buttons still fastened but inside out.

After asking him to unbutton them and put them the right way round, I started washing them as he'd left them and ironing them inside out, hanging them like that in his wardrobe.

When he got to the first shirt like that, he was pretty angry.

I pointed out that it was his problem.

He either did as I'd asked or he wash and iron them himself.

He decided it was easier to take off his shirts properly.

I cannot leave to see his parents without him in the car

Yes you can!

But that's unfair on his parents and he gets a day by himself to do what he likes, whilst I have to look after the kids. That doesn't seem like it sends the right message!

Let him take the children to see his parents and you have a day to yourself then. A day out of the house so he has to figure things out himself even if it results in them not leaving the house. 

Penguin_

Tell him to step up & sort it out. 

Pollycat

Aranyani said:

Yes you can!

Of course the OP can.

But won't.

She is enabling his behaviour.

I don't think there is a solution until that changes.

Spendless

Rambosmum said:

Pollycat said:

Rambosmum said:

Pollycat said:

He's not stepping up because he knows you're there to do it.

So what's the solution?
I don't actually think you are right, I think he's just genuinely inept (his mothers son), but if you are, how do you solve it?

My solution would be to tell him what he's not doing.

Tell him what you expect of him.

Even if you are right (I'm not disputing you aren't - you know him, I don't) do you think that people can't change?

If you are just writing it off as ineptitude, no wonder you're not getting anywhere.

Not quite a similar situation but my ex husband had a habit of taking off his white work shirts with the buttons still fastened but inside out.

After asking him to unbutton them and put them the right way round, I started washing them as he'd left them and ironing them inside out, hanging them like that in his wardrobe.

When he got to the first shirt like that, he was pretty angry.

I pointed out that it was his problem.

He either did as I'd asked or he wash and iron them himself.

He decided it was easier to take off his shirts properly.

As I said in my OP, I have spoken to him about it. I do so every time we go out (prior to), divvying up tasks and setting the expectation. And still...

Unlike laundry I cannot just not do it. I cannot leave to see his parents without him in the car, I cannot go on a day out with stuff the kids need. It isn't him who suffers, it is other people. I already don't do his laundry. but me not doing his laundry only impacts him.

Maybe ask yourself if he forgets to do something what is the worst that can happen? If it's an inconvenience let him find out the hard way. Whilst ever you step in, he doesn't need to think 'what if'. You are the safety net. You are also unlikely to be able to change someone, unless they want to change. You can however change your own reaction.