Am I right to be annoyed, and if so what should I do about it.

Spendless

Rambosmum said:

Example today - DH finishes work early to collect the kids from school and take eldest to his swimming lesson. This something he suggested, entirely unprompted or requested by me  great. Except, he always leaves late and doesn't pack the swimming kit. Do I:

1. say nothing about the swimming kit risking either DH being later and not getting to DS on time meaning we have to pay for after school club when in reality he'll be there 5 minutes or DH completely forgetting the kit and DS not being able to have his lesson (he loves swimming and would be absolutely devastated).
2. remind him to pack the bag  but no more, with the likely consequence being 1.
3. remind him to pack bag then pack it if he doesn't do it?

If it were DHs swimming session I'd just leave him to it, but it isn't. 

Doesn't this go back to the suggestion I made earlier. Why can't DS's swimming costume complete with towel and everything else he needs for it, be in a bag that is put in DH's car on a Sunday night. I'm presuming here he takes the car to work then comes back to pick little one up from school before using it to drive to swimming lessons.
BTW - If he collects the kids from school then I'm assumming he is capable of being somewhere at a set time?

Pollycat

Rambosmum said:

I'm not sure I'm ready for a separation, but it is certainly heading that way. I think us being so relaxed during lockdown has really highlighted the issues as they arise again now. As though they are arising for the first time. 

I would sit him down and tell him that things really do have to change because you are not prepared for them to carry on as they are.
You've talked to him, it's had no effect.
If he knows just how much it's affecting you and what he is in danger of losing, he may make more effort.
Seriously...how can someone be 2 hours late for a lunch date and not see how unacceptable that is?

suejb2

There needs to be consequences for his inabilities. 

He can deal with his irate parents (lunch)
He can deal with his upset child (swimming)

CRANKY40

Can he actually tell the time? My son has dyscalculia and has no idea of when he is supposed to be ready if I use time. I bought him an echo dot and it's fab. "Alexa set an alarm for 10 minutes".... just tell him the alarm will go when he has to get ready. He excels in IT because the maths etc for that is different. He gets to his lessons in school by following his mates. If I say to him "half an hour until..." whatever it happens to be, he has no idea of what that actually means to him. If I'm going shoppng I ask if we need anything and he always says no. He has no concept of how long a six pack of crisps will last say - he genuinely doesn't understand that they will run out before I go shopping if I only go once a week. He's not stupid, he's in the top three in his school year for English but he would also have no idea how to calculate how much food would be needed for more people than one for more than a day.

I see that someone else has already suggested that it could be an autism spectrum disorder. That was my first thought too. Ask him if he had problems with any particular subjects in school. 

Mojisola

Rambosmum said:

Yes, I think that is the issue - I don't really care if he inconveniences himself, it's when he inconveniences me and the kids.

After many discussions about it, he knows that it upsets you and he doesn't care enough about you to get even a bit organised - that's what I'd find too difficult to live with.

Rambosmum

Spendless said:

Rambosmum said:

Example today - DH finishes work early to collect the kids from school and take eldest to his swimming lesson. This something he suggested, entirely unprompted or requested by me  great. Except, he always leaves late and doesn't pack the swimming kit. Do I:

1. say nothing about the swimming kit risking either DH being later and not getting to DS on time meaning we have to pay for after school club when in reality he'll be there 5 minutes or DH completely forgetting the kit and DS not being able to have his lesson (he loves swimming and would be absolutely devastated).
2. remind him to pack the bag  but no more, with the likely consequence being 1.
3. remind him to pack bag then pack it if he doesn't do it?

If it were DHs swimming session I'd just leave him to it, but it isn't. 

Doesn't this go back to the suggestion I made earlier. Why can't DS's swimming costume complete with towel and everything else he needs for it, be in a bag that is put in DH's car on a Sunday night. I'm presuming here he takes the car to work then comes back to pick little one up from school before using it to drive to swimming lessons.
BTW - If he collects the kids from school then I'm assumming he is capable of being somewhere at a set time?

Yes, why can't it be in in Sunday night. But is it my job to put it there? If so, why - DH takes him swimming, shouldn't DH also ensure his swimming stuff is ready? 

I also said he's late to collect more often than not, sometimes causing us to have to pay for after school club.

When I asked how will you remember, he said he just will. I asked how, when he's previously forgotten and all I get is "I just will".

Rambosmum

CRANKY40 said:

Can he actually tell the time? My son has dyscalculia and has no idea of when he is supposed to be ready if I use time. I bought him an echo dot and it's fab. "Alexa set an alarm for 10 minutes".... just tell him the alarm will go when he has to get ready. He excels in IT because the maths etc for that is different. He gets to his lessons in school by following his mates. If I say to him "half an hour until..." whatever it happens to be, he has no idea of what that actually means to him. If I'm going shoppng I ask if we need anything and he always says no. He has no concept of how long a six pack of crisps will last say - he genuinely doesn't understand that they will run out before I go shopping if I only go once a week. He's not stupid, he's in the top three in his school year for English but he would also have no idea how to calculate how much food would be needed for more people than one for more than a day.

I see that someone else has already suggested that it could be an autism spectrum disorder. That was my first thought too. Ask him if he had problems with any particular subjects in school. 

Yes he can tell the time. He just can't tell how long he takes to do a task. We have a smart home, Google homes in every room except the kids bedrooms but he won't use them to set reminders etc, only cooking based alarms, we've already discussed that. He won't set reminders in his phone either. 

Rambosmum

It's possible he's autistic. It's also possible he's just a tw*t.

Aranyani

You remind me of a poster from a while back when I was just lurking before I made an account.  Similar problems, OH who wouldn't take any responsibility, one young child. 

I'll see if I can find the posts to see if she ever resolved anything. 

Rambosmum

I think we'll just have to suffer some unsuccessful trips out/ late/ cancelled/ coming home because 'we' forgot stuff trips to help him learn, just seems a shame.