Am I right to be annoyed, and if so what should I do about it.

Dymphna60

Is it ok to feel rather sorry for the husband who it seems must be trained like a dog? 

It doesn’t sound as if he has undergone a change of character since the children have come along just that as life has got busier it is harder to live with . 

I am not dismissing the frustration of life with him but the OP did choose him . 

Been there myself, my now late ex- husband considered picking up the car keys all that was really required for any outing - same kind of set up couple of children, both of us  with full time jobs . 

He was a good dad , when I was working ,which occasionally meant me being away from home , the house didn’t fall down or the children starve . Might not have been to my ‘ standards ‘ but then who says I am right . 

Yes I did talk to him , try and point out the stress it caused me but in the end you either go on together or not . I wish I really understood that earlier, would have been much less stressful. 

Who likes to be bossed around all their life ? 

We eventually split up because we really wanted different things out of life . I want to do things , go places , know things . He wanted to just relax at the end of the working week, listen to some music , sit on the step and watch the world go by . Just different. 

Wishing you all the best . 

Pollycat

Dymphna60 said:

Is it ok to feel rather sorry for the husband who it seems must be trained like a dog? 

It doesn’t sound as if he has undergone a change of character since the children have come along just that as life has got busier it is harder to live with . 

I am not dismissing the frustration of life with him but the OP did choose him . 

Been there myself, my now late ex- husband considered picking up the car keys all that was really required for any outing - same kind of set up couple of children, both of us  with full time jobs . 

He was a good dad , when I was working ,which occasionally meant me being away from home , the house didn’t fall down or the children starve . Might not have been to my ‘ standards ‘ but then who says I am right . 

Yes I did talk to him , try and point out the stress it caused me but in the end you either go on together or not . I wish I really understood that earlier, would have been much less stressful. 

Who likes to be bossed around all their life ? 

We eventually split up because we really wanted different things out of life . I want to do things , go places , know things . He wanted to just relax at the end of the working week, listen to some music , sit on the step and watch the world go by . Just different. 

Wishing you all the best . 

I guess it depends how much of a deal-breaker not changing his habits is for the OP.

Talking of potential separation (which she did up-thread) sounds to me that his current behaviour is getting to the stage where something has to change.

And as you say, she did choose him. But maybe his behaviour was not so apparent before they had children.

Rambosmum

MalMonroe said:

Rambosmum said:

There is me, DH and our 2 kids (4 and 1). 

Without fail, if we have a day out planned (planned mainly by me but also occasionally by DH), I get myself and the kids ready, organise and make the pack lunch, pack up the car and DH get himself dressed. And it is driving me absolutely bonkers! He appears incapable of organising himself in the morning so that he can get both himself ready and do something else e.g. organise a child or pack the car. If I leave a job for him to do, he will inevitably use all of the time up until the arranged departure time to get himself ready and THEN, when we are supposed to be leaving, do the other job he has which means we are often late. This isn't a huge issue currently as we aren't meeting other people so aren't inconveniencing anyone else however it also happens if we do have others to meet or a specific entry time for example.

Am I destined to always be late? Or to always be the one getting everyone and everything ready?

To pre-empt questions:
- 4yo can dress himself but still needs help ensuring clothes are weather and activity appropriate and on the right way, help brushing hair and cleaning teeth, breakfast making etc. 
- I have spoken with DH about this, many. many times and no change. Even when we agree the previous evening his tasks and mine, discuss all the time we need get up, how long a task will take etc. 
- I've tried just not doing it - we were 2 hours late, more than once as a result. 
- I've tried giving him fake start/ departure times to allow extra time, same thing happens but now we end up extra late if I don't do it. 

Any suggestions? Please.

I honestly think that your husband is depressed, I really do. 

His behaviour is classic clinically depressed behaviour. I don't think he's being deliberately obtuse but there's obviously something wrong. I guess he won't consider going to see his doctor? He's struggling with organising himself in the morning or even keeping to the simple agreements you have made between you and he obviously doesn't feel able to talk to you about how he's feeling or what's going on.

Rather than getting annoyed and feeling angry, I'd try to speak to him about exactly what's wrong. And do encourage him to see his GP because this won't go away on its own. He is ill and he needs help.

Unfortunately, I know these things because I've been through exactly the same thing myself - and I recognise those symptoms. 

Would depression span the 20 years I've known him with no other symptoms?

Rambosmum

Dymphna60 said:

Is it ok to feel rather sorry for the husband who it seems must be trained like a dog? 

It doesn’t sound as if he has undergone a change of character since the children have come along just that as life has got busier it is harder to live with . 

I am not dismissing the frustration of life with him but the OP did choose him . 

Been there myself, my now late ex- husband considered picking up the car keys all that was really required for any outing - same kind of set up couple of children, both of us  with full time jobs . 

He was a good dad , when I was working ,which occasionally meant me being away from home , the house didn’t fall down or the children starve . Might not have been to my ‘ standards ‘ but then who says I am right . 

Yes I did talk to him , try and point out the stress it caused me but in the end you either go on together or not . I wish I really understood that earlier, would have been much less stressful. 

Who likes to be bossed around all their life ? 

We eventually split up because we really wanted different things out of life . I want to do things , go places , know things . He wanted to just relax at the end of the working week, listen to some music , sit on the step and watch the world go by . Just different. 

Wishing you all the best . 

I've never said he should be trained like a dog. But when we agreed to have a family i was on the understanding that we would be equal parents, which is not the case. If it were not for me, the kids wouldn't have clean clothes which fitted them and would survive on a diet of cheese on toast and cereal. You may think that is ok, but I don't. Why should I have to make sure they have appropriate clothes, that he uniform is clean and ready for Mondays, the school bags packed? Do you think that because he wants to relax and sit back I should pick up the slack?

Dymphna60

I was really responding to others posters who seem to be telling you to train him to be everything you want him to be rather than you yourself. 

I am sorry you are finding life difficult just now . 

I am not saying it is right that you work much harder only giving my own thoughts and experience on it which I thought was what you were after . 

If I had found a way to make my husband take on a bigger share of the day to day hard work that small children bring I would gladly share it with you but I don’t. 

All I can give is my hindsight. Any 2 parents are going to have different thoughts about child rearing. You yourself I think said his parents are kind slightly neglectful parents that’s what he grew up with and has probably turned out ok . 

I can only speak for myself. I think I wasted time , energy and damaged my relationship by wanting my husband to be a different father . 

I know from this point in my life that my children would not have been happier if they had 2 parents like me . I tend to stress and anxiety .  He gave them time and space just to be . Not neglecting them but just letting them play and explore as he sat on the doorstep with a cup of tea and stopped anything too risky . 

I don’t exactly know how things are . In my case he always got the children to nursery / childminder / school. They always felt safe and loved . 

He took a casual attitude to shopping. 

As a practical matter  can’t you do meals sometimes and him others ? You can give your children lots of ‘ treats ‘ on your days , fresh fruit , vegetables etc . 

Only you can choose what to do in your relationship. But if and I am certainly not suggesting it ! , you separated he will still be pretty much the same kind of parent he is now . They will come back to you grubbier than you sent them and having had cheese on toast for tea . 

If someone can can come on here and tell you how you can force your husband to take on an equal share of what you think is necessary for the successful upbringing of children without damaging your relationship as partners and lovers be very very grateful. 

My final suggestion would be a little bit of carrot. 

“ let’s get this washing/ dishes / housework done and then we can have some romantic time together. Do you want to wash up or put the clothes away ? “ 
as before best wishes 

Aranyani

And people wonder why so many women are choosing not to marry men or have children these days.

tooldle

Sometimes the only way to get the point across, is simply to stop doing what you are doing. Every time you pick up the slack, there is no consequence to your OH. As hard as it is, just let it all go. Try to see it as a fault on both sides. It's a case of 'not being able to resist taking up the slack' versus 'laziness / unwillingness to see and act on what needs to be done'. In letting this slide, you are taking the bull by the horns and dealing with your 'issue'. You won't be issuing instructions, bossing him around etc (insert your own label). If the kids or inlaws etc need anything, respond with, "I'm not able to help you  please ask/speak to your Dad / Son"

Pollycat

Dymphna60 said:

I was really responding to others posters who seem to be telling you to train him to be everything you want him to be rather than you yourself. 

I'm not sure posters have told the OP to train him.

I certainly haven't.

Up-thread on page 4 I posted that my ex-husband was doing something that irritated me. It was sheer idleness and lack of consideration for me. He was treating me as his Mother. I wasn't his Mother.

Asking didn't work.

So I did something that made him realise that by continuing as he was, things would be more difficult for him.

He changed his habits.

You may view that as 'training'.

I view it as making a point that finally gave him his light bulb moment.

Rambosmum

tooldle said:

Sometimes the only way to get the point across, is simply to stop doing what you are doing. Every time you pick up the slack, there is no consequence to your OH. As hard as it is, just let it all go. Try to see it as a fault on both sides. It's a case of 'not being able to resist taking up the slack' versus 'laziness / unwillingness to see and act on what needs to be done'. In letting this slide, you are taking the bull by the horns and dealing with your 'issue'. You won't be issuing instructions, bossing him around etc (insert your own label). If the kids or inlaws etc need anything, respond with, "I'm not able to help you  please ask/speak to your Dad / Son"

Yes, I think that is what I need to do. 

tooldle

Pollycat said:

Dymphna60 said:

I was really responding to others posters who seem to be telling you to train him to be everything you want him to be rather than you yourself. 

I'm not sure posters have told the OP to train him.

I certainly haven't.

Up-thread on page 4 I posted that my ex-husband was doing something that irritated me. It was sheer idleness and lack of consideration for me. He was treating me as his Mother. I wasn't his Mother.

Asking didn't work.

So I did something that made him realise that by continuing as he was, things would be more difficult for him.

He changed his habits.

You may view that as 'training'.

I view it as making a point that finally gave him his light bulb moment.

It definitely works. My OH was fond of eating snacks on the sofa and shoving the empty wrapper down the side of the sofa. I asked many times that he put his wrappers in the bin. Unfortunately the behaviour didn't change, so i took action.  He cycles to work and has all the necessary winter / wet weather gear. Every time I found a wrapper down the side of the sofa,  it went in the toe of his freshly laundered cycling tights. After six of so wrappers the penny dropped, and I've not needed to do it since. Most amusingly, not a word has been said on the subject.