in-law relationships/advice

MysteryRegular

What are you taking away from all this, OP? From this thread I mean, has it given any food for thought dya thnk?

[Deleted User]

I still wouldn't call it cruel and bullying, just sad and childish. 

badmemory

I would call it manipulative & attempting to isolate from members of the OPs family.  Never a good look!

hb2

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this, the reasons are probably more complex than they appear. The important thing now is to try and find a way of moving forward - together or otherwise. I agree that relationship counselling would be a good idea. At least the OP would have an un-involved, non-judgemental listener to help them pick out what they really want for the future.

onwards&upwards

hb2 said:

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this, the reasons are probably more complex than they appear. The important thing now is to try and find a way of moving forward - together or otherwise. I agree that relationship counselling would be a good idea. At least the OP would have an un-involved, non-judgemental listener to help them pick out what they really want for the future.

Or or just split up.  That’s ok too, it’s the right thing to do a lot of the time.  

They’ve only been together 6 years, no kids, no house.

Skiddaw1

Can't add any words of wisdom but I can't help but adding my two pence-worth on the morning shower issue. I'd be fuming if it were me so I can really understand where OP is coming from on that issue at least. I'd probably be going out in the garden, making silent rude gestures and counting to 10 rather than confronting MIL but I'd certainly be giving off soundly to my colleagues when I reached work. I do wonder if MIL (OP's husband's mother) isn't being deliberately provocative with some of her behaviour. Is it one of those scenarios where son can do no wrong and has been spoiled rotten all his life? As in, no one he married would ever have been 'good enough'?

[Deleted User]

badmemory said:

I would call it manipulative & attempting to isolate from members of the OPs family.  Never a good look!

Who is being isolated from family? Not the OP, the OP still sees mum socially and has mum in the house even though the partner makes a song and dance about it but not when mum is there. It's just childish tit for tat, you made my mum feel unwelcome and don't want her in our home so I don't want yours here either. Sauce for the goose. 

pureshores

thank you @onwards&upwards for your understanding. 
thank you to everyone who has offered there opinion this far. 

it's quite confusing what to think. When made the OP , I didn't think people would have viewed by request to MIL as "unreasonable" as they have. So that has made me reflect on my views of the incident, maybe it wasn't as reasonable as i thought. That's been a sticking point for me up to now as I always felt I was being reasonable. 

I want to move forward but it's about how we do this. I am agreeable to having the in-law holiday with us & bite my tongue. But how do I do this in a way that actually resolves that situation. I feel like OH has been treating my mother bad as a power tool, or like controlling. I mean literally texting me saying "I am not coming back to the house until your mother leaves" that's threatening/controlling behavior. I don't understand how someone who allegedly loves me can choose to intentionally be like that. I know many of you will argue that I was nasty to OH mother but that was not intentional. I feel it's totally different. It was an isolated incident & at the time I had no idea it would escalate the way it did. 

My concern is that by sweeping this whole thing under the rug, i'm just going to reinforce to OH that this kind of behavior is acceptable & if they continue it long enough they will eventually get their own way & i'll just accept being treated like that. OH still does not see my side in any of this. I don't expect OH to take sides as it's not about right or wrong or blame but even just an acknowledgement of understanding the situation escalated, but there's nothing ..... 

HampshireH

Call him out on his behaviour

gettingtheresometime

pureshores said:

thank you @onwards&upwards for your understanding. 
thank you to everyone who has offered there opinion this far. 

it's quite confusing what to think. When made the OP , I didn't think people would have viewed by request to MIL as "unreasonable" as they have. So that has made me reflect on my views of the incident, maybe it wasn't as reasonable as i thought. That's been a sticking point for me up to now as I always felt I was being reasonable. 

I want to move forward but it's about how we do this. I am agreeable to having the in-law holiday with us & bite my tongue. But how do I do this in a way that actually resolves that situation. I feel like OH has been treating my mother bad as a power tool, or like controlling. I mean literally texting me saying "I am not coming back to the house until your mother leaves" that's threatening/controlling behavior. I don't understand how someone who allegedly loves me can choose to intentionally be like that. I know many of you will argue that I was nasty to OH mother but that was not intentional. I feel it's totally different. It was an isolated incident & at the time I had no idea it would escalate the way it did. 

My concern is that by sweeping this whole thing under the rug, i'm just going to reinforce to OH that this kind of behavior is acceptable & if they continue it long enough they will eventually get their own way & i'll just accept being treated like that. OH still does not see my side in any of this. I don't expect OH to take sides as it's not about right or wrong or blame but even just an acknowledgement of understanding the situation escalated, but there's nothing ..... 

I suppose one way of trying to build bridges with your OH and his parents would be to suggest you all went somewhere when they were next over...this could be done either when you knew they were definitely coming over or as idea for the next time they visit.

I've learnt in nearly 30 yrs of marriage the way you phrase something is so so important - so, as an example, when you know they're next coming to stay instead of saying 'MIL can't use the bathroom until I've finished'  I'd pose the problem in a 'bearing in mind I've got to be out by X to be in work on time, how can we deal with bathroom availability for me to achieve that'.

IMO you're still not seeing that yes he's being childish in sending those sorts of messages but if that's what he's saying verbatim then I wouldn't consider that threatening or controlling - more like he's being a childish idiot.