in-law relationships/advice

TBagpuss

I think you need to work out how to improve your relationship and communication with your partner.
Yes, they are being childish and unfair by refusing to see or be civil to your mum, and the fact they admit this is retaliation is particularly concerning. Its as concerning that they automatically blame you and wont discuss it or consider that there were two sides to the disagreement.
But equally, you were pretty unreasonable in  how you behaved - given your partner's parents live overseas it's natural that your partner wants to make them welcome and have them visit., and it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to be willing to make some adjustments.
You mentioned about you having paid the deposit and your parents helping - I wonder whether at some level you feel that you should have  more say in what happens in the home because you paid more - which is another thing the two of you need to talk through.
I'd suggest that you approach your partner to suggest that the two of you go to Relate or another form of couples counselling - and if they won't, consider going by yourself. Then, consider whether you this is a relationship you can improve, or not. But things are not going to change for the better without work from you and your partner, and a willingness on both sides to to listen and to make compromises.

onwards&upwards

They don’t have kids, aren’t married, don’t own their home together, and they clearly don’t get on anymore and haven’t for a seriously long time. 

Why do do they have to try and prolong it?  Why can’t they just put the relationship out of it’s misery and go off and be happier away from each other?  

Kim_kim

pureshores said:

gettingtheresometime said:

Personally I think you need to eat some humble pie & apologise for being so rude. This is not something that needs to be talked through. Your OH may be choosing to be nasty & hurtful intentionally but it seems you want it your way or it's the highway.

Both my parents in law are dead but that doesn't stop my husband visiting my mum nor helping her out when she needs it.

I also think you're clutching at straws trying to play the 'don't want anyone to cause any damage because we rent' or 'the lease won't allow anyone else to live there' cards; they're not living there they're visiitng.

So this is 100% my fault & MIL reaction was completely justified (that sounds sarcastic but I am genuinely asking). Similarly OH actions & attitude the the years of aftermath since is also completely justified (again genuinely asking).  I have actually apologized but both OH & MIL attitude is "well it's too late, it's done".
That's nice that your husband will take care of you mum. Imagine how you might feel if he was being nasty towards her? OH is repeatedly nasty to my mother & has stated will not accompany me to the funeral once she passes. 

Are you on the spectrum?  Because your responses do come across as incredibly blunt (rude - bordering  on aggressive).
its up to his parents whether or not they can help fund your bills/home - I don’t think you should refuse them hospitality because they haven’t chipped in.
i do understand that you needed the shower at a certain time to get ready and get our the door to work - but perhaps it would have been nicer to say to the MIL I need to use the bathroom between 6.30 & 6.45 (or whatever) to get ready for work, rather than they can’t use the bathroom until after you’ve left.
i think the way your OH has behaved to your mother is very immature, tit for tat.  I would seriously question your relationship & his respect for you that he’s reacting in this way.
i think your relationship is on the rocks.  

onwards&upwards

I’m still not sure why people are calling the partner ‘he’, have I missed something?

[Deleted User]

onwards&upwards said:

I’m still not sure why people are calling the partner ‘he’, have I missed something?

It flows better to use a third singular pronoun when writing about a singular person and English doesn't have an equivalent to the Swedish gender neutral singular "hen" yet. 

Not that the gender of either party involved here matters. They (plural) are both behaving like infants. 

onwards&upwards

Lover_of_Lycra said:

onwards&upwards said:

I’m still not sure why people are calling the partner ‘he’, have I missed something?

It flows better to use a third singular pronoun when writing about a singular person and English doesn't have an equivalent to the Swedish gender neutral singular "hen" yet. 

Not that the gender of either party involved here matters. They (plural) are both behaving like infants. 

You can easily use ‘they’, it makes perfect sense. 

Marisco

Kim_kim said:

pureshores said:

gettingtheresometime said:

Personally I think you need to eat some humble pie & apologise for being so rude. This is not something that needs to be talked through. Your OH may be choosing to be nasty & hurtful intentionally but it seems you want it your way or it's the highway.

Both my parents in law are dead but that doesn't stop my husband visiting my mum nor helping her out when she needs it.

I also think you're clutching at straws trying to play the 'don't want anyone to cause any damage because we rent' or 'the lease won't allow anyone else to live there' cards; they're not living there they're visiitng.

So this is 100% my fault & MIL reaction was completely justified (that sounds sarcastic but I am genuinely asking). Similarly OH actions & attitude the the years of aftermath since is also completely justified (again genuinely asking).  I have actually apologized but both OH & MIL attitude is "well it's too late, it's done".
That's nice that your husband will take care of you mum. Imagine how you might feel if he was being nasty towards her? OH is repeatedly nasty to my mother & has stated will not accompany me to the funeral once she passes. 

Are you on the spectrum?  Because your responses do come across as incredibly blunt (rude - bordering  on aggressive).
its up to his parents whether or not they can help fund your bills/home - I don’t think you should refuse them hospitality because they haven’t chipped in.
i do understand that you needed the shower at a certain time to get ready and get our the door to work - but perhaps it would have been nicer to say to the MIL I need to use the bathroom between 6.30 & 6.45 (or whatever) to get ready for work, rather than they can’t use the bathroom until after you’ve left.
i think the way your OH has behaved to your mother is very immature, tit for tat.  I would seriously question your relationship & his respect for you that he’s reacting in this way.
i think your relationship is on the rocks.  

The OP asked their partner to have a word with their mum, why didn't she? Just say, "look mum could you leave the shower till "Jim" has gone to work, he needs to be out the house by xx am to get to work by 7,30am" If the MIL was any sort of person she'd have said "sorry no problem I didn't realise". This didn't happen so he had to have a word himself...... and she burst into tears! I don't know why everyone is having a go at the OP, I'd be as mad as hell if someone hogged the bathroom when I was trying to get ready for work as well, the in laws are on holiday, they've got all the time in the world.  When you (general) go and stay with someone, it's up to you to fit in with their routine, if you cannot do that, then stay somewhere else.

kitrat

I'm trying to read between the lines here a bit.

Personally I think your reasons for not letting them stay were totally unreasonable and I suspect that has probably coloured all the subsequent interactions you've had with them.

I'm presuming that they probably knew you didn't want them to stay or you've either intentionally or unintentionally made it fairly obvious to them when they've visited and this has caused a build up of tension.

Reading between the lines I think you've maybe acknowledged this but you're very stubborn! This really isn't intended as a criticism I'm just trying to explain what I think I'm seeing. So I'm guessing that there hasn't been a proper apology from yourself to your OH or their parents in this regard. You seem to be rigidly sticking to your guns that you were right all along. That's not very helpful in a relationship.

So the shower thing in isolation you were not being unreasonable to ask they don't disturb you getting to work on time/ ask your partner to have that conversation. But in the context of everything else it does lead one to speculate about how this might have been communicated and the tensions in the background. There is probably some complicating cultural differences as well as others have pointed out.

I do wonder if you've made it known how much you don't like having them in your home and that's why it was suggested you stay elsewhere when you went to visit as you clearly don't tolerate having to share a space with others.

And now your partner is being stubborn and horrible about your Mum. Nothing is ok with that. But to explain the rationale behind it are they just mirroring your own stubbornness because you refuse to acknowledge your own mistakes?

This should never have got this far. To be honest from an outsider perspective you started the damage in this relationship and you've both escalated it. I'm not sure how you can both continue to be so stubborn and for this relationship to be repairable. 

pollypenny

I can understand this.  I'm at DS' place in America at the moment and it's like walking on eggshells with the DIL.  We used to come more often when the boys were babies/toddlers to help out, but now once a year. 

I perfectly understand their rush to get out in the morning and, quite frankly, what DIL says goes. 

stormCat99

Having read the thread and the various responses from the OP, I think they are being unfairly cast in a bad light. I really don't think that their responses are aggressive, they seem to be genuinely trying to understand the opinion of posters on here, by asking questions.

FWIW I don't think it unreasonable to ask a guest not to use the bathroom between certain times if you need to get ready for work and out in the morning, perfectly normal. I do think it's abnormal that the MIL then started crying simply for being asked to leave the bathroom free for you!

That aside, I think this particular incident is just a symptom of a bigger underlying issue, something isn't right between yourself and your OH, given that they seem to be acting so childishly and don't seem willing to sit down and talk through properly. Holding a 'grudge' for so long for something so small is very petty. Is this really a person you want to spend the rest of your life with?