in-law relationships/advice

swingaloo

first of all it's not MY home but OUR home.  
And yet you 'Made it clear from the offset' to your O/H that your their own parents were not welcome in THIER home.

second I'm not upset that they didn't contribute 
Yet
 its the first thing you mention in your list of reasons why they are not welcome.

what i'm annoyed about is the fact they then have the audacity to treat it as a holiday home. 
Perhaps they see it as being your O/Hs home and as such think they would be welcome after flying from another country to see them.

If they wanted nothing to do with it at the time, they should continue that now, not pick & choose when it suits.
That really does sound both bitter and very immature

 Third by contributing they would not have been help ME out but would have in fact been helping their own child out. 
No, they would have been helping both of you. Why do you constantly refer to your O/H as a 'child'?

 my parents wanted to help out, I did not ask them too. But it is typical for parents to want to help their children, no? 
In some cases yes, but there are also some parents who do not think it necessary to help out their adult offspring and expect them to make their own way in life. There will also be those who are not in a position to help out and should not feel guilty if that's the case. Have you ever considered that helping you out is putting financial pressure on your parents or do you take it for-granted. Ive helped my son numerous times even when its caused me to struggle but I would never have let him know that. Considering you had only met these people once before you bought the house how can you be so sure they had the means to help you. None of my offspring know what I have in the bank and may well assume its more than it is.

Had OH not been out of work, we would have been able to split the cost of the deposit no problem & probably got the bulk of our own furniture too.
Is that where the resentment comes from?

 OH parents didn't care about any of that as long as they had a place to stay for their holiday.
Again, stop letting the situation feed bitterness.

 My relationship with my father is strained. 
Then don't let your relationship with everyone else become strained.

 Given OH hardly gets to see their mother, 
That given, I would have thought it would have been a good reason for you to 'Grin and Bear it' for their sake. Its a couple of weeks out of your life.

 At the end of the day she was a guest here thus should have been respectful not shouted at me & told me to shut up, which is rude. I would never speak to someone like that, never mind in their own home. 
Exactly, a guest. Who was probably made to feel unwelcome from the offset

It seems you have both dug in your heels and its now your mother/my mother which is a very silly way to move forward. Your O/H probably resents your mother calling now as they suspect that you and your mum use a lot of the  time you have together complaining about them or their parents.
 Everyone's way of living is not the same. You seem to be picking up on the smallest thing. My husbands father lives abroad and I would be amazed if he sent a card or rang on hubbys birthday, its not something he does although hubby rings him on his birthday and sends cards.  
You say that contact between your partner and parents only happens when it something which benefits them. So how do they benefit from the little contact they have? 
Why would you only having met them once be a reason not to make them welcome in your home?  If my O/H had 'Made it clear' when we bought our home that my parents who lived abroad and who I rarely saw would not have been welcome to stay I would have had grave doubts about moving in with him. 
 Yet you say that before the blow up they had stayed with you twice and each time you clearly did not want them there.  So having had them stat twice before it would have been no surprise to you that his mother got up early and I would suspect that the 'Shower is unavailable till after 7.30 was a bit of 'foot stamping' on your part. Finally you have blown, his mother has blown and then your O/H has blown and it could all have been so easily avoided. 
Perhaps you need to have a good sit down with your O/H who also has some growing up to do and next time his parents are over apologise (its not always about who is right, its sometimes just about being the bigger person) and start to move on. You do realise that once children come along both mothers and mothers in law can become even more of a pain so if your relationship is to move forward you will need to bite your tongue a LOT.  You and your O/H are NOT children, you are grown adults and as such you should be behaving as adults rather than children arguing in the school playground.

 

pureshores

swingaloo said:

first of all it's not MY home but OUR home.  
And yet you 'Made it clear from the offset' to your O/H that your their own parents were not welcome in THIER home.

second I'm not upset that they didn't contribute 
Yet
 its the first thing you mention in your list of reasons why they are not welcome.

what i'm annoyed about is the fact they then have the audacity to treat it as a holiday home. 
Perhaps they see it as being your O/Hs home and as such think they would be welcome after flying from another country to see them.

If they wanted nothing to do with it at the time, they should continue that now, not pick & choose when it suits.
That really does sound both bitter and very immature

 Third by contributing they would not have been help ME out but would have in fact been helping their own child out. 
No, they would have been helping both of you. Why do you constantly refer to your O/H as a 'child'?

 my parents wanted to help out, I did not ask them too. But it is typical for parents to want to help their children, no? 
In some cases yes, but there are also some parents who do not think it necessary to help out their adult offspring and expect them to make their own way in life. There will also be those who are not in a position to help out and should not feel guilty if that's the case. Have you ever considered that helping you out is putting financial pressure on your parents or do you take it for-granted. Ive helped my son numerous times even when its caused me to struggle but I would never have let him know that. Considering you had only met these people once before you bought the house how can you be so sure they had the means to help you. None of my offspring know what I have in the bank and may well assume its more than it is.

Had OH not been out of work, we would have been able to split the cost of the deposit no problem & probably got the bulk of our own furniture too.
Is that where the resentment comes from?

 OH parents didn't care about any of that as long as they had a place to stay for their holiday.
Again, stop letting the situation feed bitterness.

 My relationship with my father is strained. 
Then don't let your relationship with everyone else become strained.

 Given OH hardly gets to see their mother, 
That given, I would have thought it would have been a good reason for you to 'Grin and Bear it' for their sake. Its a couple of weeks out of your life.

 At the end of the day she was a guest here thus should have been respectful not shouted at me & told me to shut up, which is rude. I would never speak to someone like that, never mind in their own home. 
Exactly, a guest. Who was probably made to feel unwelcome from the offset

It seems you have both dug in your heels and its now your mother/my mother which is a very silly way to move forward. Your O/H probably resents your mother calling now as they suspect that you and your mum use a lot of the  time you have together complaining about them or their parents.
 Everyone's way of living is not the same. You seem to be picking up on the smallest thing. My husbands father lives abroad and I would be amazed if he sent a card or rang on hubbys birthday, its not something he does although hubby rings him on his birthday and sends cards.  
You say that contact between your partner and parents only happens when it something which benefits them. So how do they benefit from the little contact they have? 
Why would you only having met them once be a reason not to make them welcome in your home?  If my O/H had 'Made it clear' when we bought our home that my parents who lived abroad and who I rarely saw would not have been welcome to stay I would have had grave doubts about moving in with him. 
 Yet you say that before the blow up they had stayed with you twice and each time you clearly did not want them there.  So having had them stat twice before it would have been no surprise to you that his mother got up early and I would suspect that the 'Shower is unavailable till after 7.30 was a bit of 'foot stamping' on your part. Finally you have blown, his mother has blown and then your O/H has blown and it could all have been so easily avoided. 
Perhaps you need to have a good sit down with your O/H who also has some growing up to do and next time his parents are over apologise (its not always about who is right, its sometimes just about being the bigger person) and start to move on. You do realise that once children come along both mothers and mothers in law can become even more of a pain so if your relationship is to move forward you will need to bite your tongue a LOT.  You and your O/H are NOT children, you are grown adults and as such you should be behaving as adults rather than children arguing in the school playground.

 

the property is not bought it is a rental property which is in part a reason i don't like people staying as we are accountable for any damage. The contract we signed also states no one else would reside at the property thus we would be in breach of our tenancy if landlord found out. Also just to add that I don't like ANYONE staying, it's not personal to OH parents. None of my family or friends stay. 

I don't really understand why so many people are having a hard time believe that my parents WANTED to help. I would never take money off my parents if it meant a strain on them financially. 

Yes they stayed on previous occasions & i tolerated it however on said occasions MIL had a "chat" with OH advising they move back to home country & leave me. It's hard to want someone around when who clearly isn't supportive of the relationship. Yes i never wanted them living there from the offset BUT I did try to be pleasant initially, but after finding that out I felt betrayed/hurt. I felt like a fool that MIL was happy enough to share a roof & put on a face but behind my back was telling OH to leave me & move away. 

How can i move forward if OH/MIL don't want to? I have said I am willing to sit down & talk it through or clear the air or whatever but when both point blank refuse there is little i can do. 

I do not refer to my OH as a child other than in the context of them being MIL's child which regardless of age is still a fact & it's easier than typing "offspring". 

The difference for me is that I didn't have the intent to be nasty or hurtful when I broached the subject with MIL & I am regretful it turned out like that, whereas OH is choosing to be nasty & hurtful intentionally. 

gettingtheresometime

Personally I think you need to eat some humble pie & apologise for being so rude. This is not something that needs to be talked through. Your OH may be choosing to be nasty & hurtful intentionally but it seems you want it your way or it's the highway.

Both my parents in law are dead but that doesn't stop my husband visiting my mum nor helping her out when she needs it.

I also think you're clutching at straws trying to play the 'don't want anyone to cause any damage because we rent' or 'the lease won't allow anyone else to live there' cards; they're not living there they're visiitng.

Caraway90

Hi Op, I sympathise with the shower situation. That would have really bothered you. You have a set routine and schedule and I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for this to be respected. As you say your MIL (I assume) did not have a need to shower that early. Your OH treated treating your mother this way because of an incident with his mother is a serious red flag for me! It's so petty and childish. Your mother hasn't done anything wrong. I think you need to have a very serious chat to your OH to try and resolve this. 

pureshores

gettingtheresometime said:

Personally I think you need to eat some humble pie & apologise for being so rude. This is not something that needs to be talked through. Your OH may be choosing to be nasty & hurtful intentionally but it seems you want it your way or it's the highway.

Both my parents in law are dead but that doesn't stop my husband visiting my mum nor helping her out when she needs it.

I also think you're clutching at straws trying to play the 'don't want anyone to cause any damage because we rent' or 'the lease won't allow anyone else to live there' cards; they're not living there they're visiitng.

So this is 100% my fault & MIL reaction was completely justified (that sounds sarcastic but I am genuinely asking). Similarly OH actions & attitude the the years of aftermath since is also completely justified (again genuinely asking).  I have actually apologized but both OH & MIL attitude is "well it's too late, it's done".
That's nice that your husband will take care of you mum. Imagine how you might feel if he was being nasty towards her? OH is repeatedly nasty to my mother & has stated will not accompany me to the funeral once she passes. 

swingaloo

pureshores said:

swingaloo said:

 

 

the property is not bought it is a rental property which is in part a reason i don't like people staying as we are accountable for any damage. The contract we signed also states no one else would reside at the property thus we would be in breach of our tenancy if landlord found out. Also just to add that I don't like ANYONE staying, it's not personal to OH parents. None of my family or friends stay. 

The property being a rental is neither here nor there.  Are you really suggesting your in laws may damage the property? Neither would you be in breach of your tenancy. No one else can reside at the house means no one can move in on a permanent basis.   it does not stop you having visitors stay over for a couple of weeks


I don't really understand why so many people are having a hard time believe that my parents WANTED to help. I would never take money off my parents if it meant a strain on them financially. 

I don't dispute that your parents wanted to help you. What I  don't understand is why you think that your in laws were under any obligation to do the same.

Yes they stayed on previous occasions & i tolerated it however on said occasions MIL had a "chat" with OH advising they move back to home country & leave me. 

Tolerated it! Did they realise they were being Tolerated?  Perhaps MIL had concerns about the relationship she wanted to express to your O/H. Its very extreme to advise them to leave the country and why would she do this unless there were major concerns. Presumably on the first occasion this happened your O/H was able to reassure them.

 Its hard to want someone around when who clearly isn't supportive of the relationship. But they are not 'around'. They just visit once a year.
 Yes i never wanted them living there (They were just visiting, not living there) from the offset BUT I did try to be pleasant initially, but after finding that out I felt betrayed/hurt. I felt like a fool that MIL was happy enough to share a roof & put on a face but behind my back was telling OH to leave me & move away.  What steps have you taken with your MIL to reassure her that your are not the person she thinks you are.

How can i move forward if OH/MIL don't want to? I have said I am willing to sit down & talk it through or clear the air or whatever but when both point blank refuse there is little i can do. 

Perhaps it has gone too far for you to be able to do anything now and perhaps you have to ask yourself how mature your O/H is acting. (I used the 'offspring as you pulled another poster about assuming gender and so I didn't want to use son or daughter). It seems from what you have written that your O/H is not able to handle the situation. Others have suggested that there may be cultural differences but you have chosen not to respond to that suggestion. It would explain a lot as to your O/Hs behaviour if that were the case.  If it is a cultural thing then nothing you do is going to make any difference to the way he behaves and you will either have to accept your place in his life or move on.  If it is not a mix of cultures then your O/H needs to grow up. But if you do finally get him to sit down and talk I would be very careful and be willing to listen and compromise. Your remark in your first post about 'Making it clear from the outset' rings alarm bells. It seems your attitude was set against the in-laws even before their first visit took place. Therefore you cant blame the current situation n your MIL trying to get O/H to leave as there were already problems before that happened. 

The difference for me is that I didn't have the intent to be nasty or hurtful when I broached the subject with MIL  (Even though you had already told your O/H that they were unwelcome in your home) & I am regretful it turned out like that, whereas OH is choosing to be nasty & hurtful intentionally. 
Then if that's the case do you really want to raise children with this man?

Gavin83

pureshores said:

gettingtheresometime said:

Personally I think you need to eat some humble pie & apologise for being so rude. This is not something that needs to be talked through. Your OH may be choosing to be nasty & hurtful intentionally but it seems you want it your way or it's the highway.

Both my parents in law are dead but that doesn't stop my husband visiting my mum nor helping her out when she needs it.

I also think you're clutching at straws trying to play the 'don't want anyone to cause any damage because we rent' or 'the lease won't allow anyone else to live there' cards; they're not living there they're visiitng.

So this is 100% my fault & MIL reaction was completely justified (that sounds sarcastic but I am genuinely asking). Similarly OH actions & attitude the the years of aftermath since is also completely justified (again genuinely asking).  I have actually apologized but both OH & MIL attitude is "well it's too late, it's done".
That's nice that your husband will take care of you mum. Imagine how you might feel if he was being nasty towards her? OH is repeatedly nasty to my mother & has stated will not accompany me to the funeral once she passes. 

It’s not really about who’s fault it is. Your MIL clearly blames you and your OH agrees. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, maybe you were actually being a bit unreasonable. I suspect it’s a bit of both. It’s more about how much you want to save this relationship. You say you do but you also appear to want to be right and I doubt you can have both. You either apologise to your OH and MIL, even if you don’t feel you should or you accept the relationship is over.

My honest advice? I’d call time on this relationship and this is something I very rarely write on here. You don’t appear to be compatible and I suspect if you stay together this relationship will get far worse before you split up, probably with kids on the scene. You aren’t young and I feel you’d be better off spending your time finding someone you suit than forcing a compatible relationship that likely doesn’t exist.

DCFC79

pureshores said:

wh_em said:

Sounds like the problem isn’t the in laws it’s the partner. I’d have a frank conversation with your partner and get this sorted out 

trust me I continue to try but the responses I get are detailed above in the original post ie. "well you weren't nice to my mother so why should I be nice to  yours" .

DCFC79 said:

pureshores said:

sorry cant edit my post, I didn't manage to keep the non bias out lol
also OH visits their home country for approx. 2 weeks/year (not 2 years lol)

To edit your post there should be a small cog, click it amd you choose edit reply/post.
Im not sure what to say, you've been amicable about it.
Probably not what you were wanting but have you considered it might be wise to end it.

thanks yes, when i click on the cog a box appears that should say edit but it doesnt say anything?

thanks for your thought its nice to hear a second opinions that i am being amicable about it. 
I think i know in my heart it can't go on like this. As i say i just dont want to "throw away" a 6 year relationship & fear starting over again at my age. 

Maybe because your a new user the option isn't available to you.
I understand you dont want to throw a 6 year relatoonship away over something that in my eyes wasnt your fault, its your property and the mil should have respected that, maybe she was used to having a shower at that time in the morning.

goodwithsaving

I understand not wanting people to stay. I hate people getting in the way when I'm getting ready for work, and make it clear what time I'm going to need the bathroom etc.

Personally, I couldn't deal with in-laws like this. I know it's not your OHs fault, but if they can't stand up to the parents then they are contributing to the problem. Do you honestly want to deal with them for a lot of your future life? I wouldn't.

belfastgirl23

Oh dear this has gone way way further than it should.

I always think this kind of argument isn’t about just what it’s about. It’s usually about something bigger, in this case what is family, what is expected in and from a family. Different families have very different attitudes and it sounds like each of you are expecting your partner’s family to behave as your own family does. That’s clearly not working, nor is it realistic to expect it to work.

It seems reasonable to me that your partner’s parents would expect to stay with you both when they come to visit, and whether they contributed anything to making payments for the property is entirely irrelevant. They want to spend as much time as possible with their child who is living in a different country. I totally understand that this is a strain on you but it’s one that you probably should endure. 

Your partner needs to take some responsibility for the fact that they didn’t deal with the issue of who has priority in the mornings,  (though equally for the sake of a couple of weeks could you not have changed your own routine a little?). And how they have been behaving with your mum is just stupid. Though that said, if their parents have been staying elsewhere when they visit and you haven’t made any effort to patch things up,  then it’s still a very live issue.

One thing I do have sympathy for though is that when the parents appear, your needs and wishes are pushed out of the picture. That’s not good and is not going to help you find a way forward. 

The bit that you both agree on is that you want your own family to be respected. So that’s some common ground. Honestly if you want to stay together I’d say you need a bit of outside support. Have you thought of counselling? Something this entrenched is very hard to deal with on your own.