in-law relationships/advice

Doodles

I think you would both benefit from some relationship counselling.

What's done is done and it sounds like both of you have been unreasonable and immature.  Added to the fact there has been boundaries crossed as well as a possible cultural way of doing things, it sounds like despite the apologies made so far, it would appear a stalemate has been reached here.  That's not conducive to a loving relationship or marriage.

Would suggest you contact Relate. Hopefully get the both of you talking again and see from each others point of view.

Fireflyaway

I can identify with this a bit. My husband is from North Africa and of Muslim heritage. Family and hospitality is culturally really important and mothers highly respected to the degree they pretty much can never do wrong and will be chosen over you if sticky situations like this arise. I am generalizing of course. Not everyone is like this. This is based on my own observations. Coming from a small family and not being a particularly social person ( I'm autistic) I find it very intense being in such situations! My tactic would be to try and understand ( maybe tolerate is a better word?!)  just how important hospitality is and that by hosting your partners family he will feel proud of you and they will think what a great partner he has. These visits are only temporary so try to endure it with a smile! As for him disrespecting your mum. That's just childish and hurtful to you. Can you sit down and agree to put it behind you? Let him know you do care about his family and didn't mean to cause offence, it's just something different and you would appreciate his help in learning how to do it better next time.  If he really won't get over this I'd question the relationship, his maturity and how much he actually cares. Imagine bringing kids into the picture. That would make it worse. I hope you find a compromise. 

Kim_kim

boots_babe said:

Having read the thread and the various responses from the OP, I think they are being unfairly cast in a bad light. I really don't think that their responses are aggressive, they seem to be genuinely trying to understand the opinion of posters on here, by asking questions.

FWIW I don't think it unreasonable to ask a guest not to use the bathroom between certain times if you need to get ready for work and out in the morning, perfectly normal. I do think it's abnormal that the MIL then started crying simply for being asked to leave the bathroom free for you!

That aside, I think this particular incident is just a symptom of a bigger underlying issue, something isn't right between yourself and your OH, given that they seem to be acting so childishly and don't seem willing to sit down and talk through properly. Holding a 'grudge' for so long for something so small is very petty. Is this really a person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

The in-laws weren’t asked not to use the bathroom between 6.45 and 7am (for example), they were asked not to use it until after the dil had gone to work.  That’s basically saying don’t get in my way in the morning, it’s not very welcoming. 

There was even an issue with them using the kitchen before the dil left for work. 

onwards&upwards

It’s very clear that the problem in the relationship has now gone well beyond the original grievances so there’s really no point arguing the toss on that anymore.

pureshores

@Marisco & @boots_babe thank you for your kind responses I was fearing I was actually some kind of monster. 
To clarify I did NOT say MIL could not use the bathroom at all until I left for work that's ludicrous of course no one can help when they need the toilet, what I asked was if she could wait until I left to shower/get herself ready (makeup etc) as (& as Marisco rightly pointed out) there was really no rush for her to get ready. 
Also just to highlight when I broached the subject with MIL I did actually try to do so in a nice way "would you mind if.... " I did NOT simply just say to her "don't use the bathroom until I leave" I have no idea why that is being implied. I have apologised & as stated I am sorry for the situation escalating but I don't feel I made an unreasonable request, again as stated, generally when we are guests in peoples homes we work round their routine. (I think someone pulled me up for using the term "guest" at its MIL but anyone who doesn't typically reside at the property would be considered a guess by my definition, correct me if I'm wrong). Maybe I made a mountain out of a mole hill but I still feel MIL over reacted. For those of you with grown up children you may go & visit/stay with would you have reacted like that? Personally I feel her reaction was staged & she actually enjoyed seeing my OH move out with them. 

@Kim_kim you may find my responses rude & aggressive that is not my intention (though I do find it a bit rude you'd just label me with ASD), as stated by @boots_babe I am genuinely actually trying to gain an understanding here. Following the whole incident I have tried to see it from my partner's side & consider how they might have felt/feel & tried to put myself in their position. What continues to bother me is that OH still refuses to acknowledge my side of this. 

Re the comment about the relationship between myself & OH. I thought this was the person I wanted to spend my life with & have children with & I want it to be, but for that to happen we need to move past this. I am willing to do so but it seems they are not, & as per above it seems likely that whatever MIL's views are in the future these will be prioritised over mines. 

Sea_Shell

pureshores said:

 it seems likely that whatever MIL's views are in the future these will be prioritised over mines. 

I think you've hit the nail on the head here!!!

It's up to you if you want to stay in a relationship where you do not come first.

silvercar

These are his parents, either you need to put up with their ways and be grateful that they live far away and so only have to suffer them for 2 weeks a year, or you need to consider whether their limited presence in your lives is a deal breaker. 
I'd consider moving out for some of the time, could you stay with your mother? Present it too them as allowing them to have quality time with their son. 

HampshireH

Gues the question now is;

Do you still want to get married & have kids with a man who acts like a boy, continuously seeks "revenge" and dislikes your mother to the point he leaves the house and starts a fight about it.

Doesn't sound like a great place to be or bring kids into.

pureshores

HampshireH said:

Gues the question now is;

Do you still want to get married & have kids with a man who acts like a boy, continuously seeks "revenge" and dislikes your mother to the point he leaves the house and starts a fight about it.

Doesn't sound like a great place to be or bring kids into.

see that's my dilemma, bc by the majority of responses on here I am the one in the wrong & OH is perfectly entitled to be behaving like this (why would i expect any less) after the way I treated MIL. 
Whilst in hindsight I'll admit I wish I had just bitten my tongue I standby that my request was not unreasonable & feel that MIL reaction was over the top & both OH reaction at the time & continued response to the whole situation. I have apologized repeatedly & want to move forward. I am willing to have them stay with us in the future but MIL would need to be respectful of the routines in place. I don't feel asking such makes me a horrible, selfish or rude person. As a guest in someones home isn't it just common courtesy to be respectful?

I feel that if I simply say ok lets just forget the whole situation i-laws can stay, i'll move out for that duration or just let them run things their way, it will just reinforce all this negative behavior from OH & basically excuses their nasty actions. 

MysteryRegular

pureshores said:

I am willing to have them stay with us in the future but MIL would need to be respectful of the routines in place.

I am not saying you are an ogre, but looking at this sentence, nothing has changed for you.  You still want things the way you want them and will not compromise.  You say what is in the past is in the past, but you are just dragging the same stuff in to the future.
You are just asking for a repeat occurrence really, as your MIL clearly wants to shower in the morning and so do you, and neither of you can be have a shower at night for some reason.