in-law relationships/advice

pureshores

MysteryRegular said:

pureshores said:

I am willing to have them stay with us in the future but MIL would need to be respectful of the routines in place.

I am not saying you are an ogre, but looking at this sentence, nothing has changed for you.  You still want things the way you want them and will not compromise.  You say what is in the past is in the past, but you are just dragging the same stuff in to the future.
You are just asking for a repeat occurrence really, as your MIL clearly wants to shower in the morning and so do you, and neither of you can be have a shower at night for some reason.

i could shower at night but am likely to sweat in bed during the night hence would have to shower again in the morning. I need to be fresh for work. She can shower in the morning just after I am finished in the bathroom. She's on holiday, why does she need to be up breakfast & showered before 7.30am? I on the other hand have to get to work. 
Asking someone to be respectful of their hosts routine is not unreasonable. I am not unwilling to compromise I'll bite my tongue & have them stay with us, jsut don't understand why she appears to have priority over the need to shower so early when i'm the one trying to get to work .... the responses on here do err on the side of me being totally unreasonable. 

I wonder how you would be if you were a guest in someone's house, genuine question. 

MysteryRegular

@pureshores
If  were a guest I would be respectful - however that is comparing apples to oranges, as if they are from a different culture, they have different expectations and a different upbringing to how I have been brought up.  I wonder if the clash of cultures is a bigger issue (however I like my space and have never stayed over in someone elses home in my life) 

I do get where you are coming from and in your shoes, I would just 'silently seethe'   BECAUSE, it really is not a massive problem for a short amount of time, if it means to make your partner happy.  I love my partner, I want him to be happy, I would never ever put him in this situation - and if that means me having the small inconvenience of showering at night, I would.  It is a compromise.  I would do it for him, but don't get me wrong, I would expect something in return for my kindness from him...a romantic meal or something like that.:D  I would never pit myself up against my partners Mother, as win or lose (for me) - he is going to get hurt. I value him far too much.  I think your OH is hurt and I gotta be honest, most relationships where folk do not make an effort / or cannot get on with, each others families, do not last.  Family is important and it sounds of extreme importance to your partner . You gotta stop putting him - and yourself,  in this position.

In the grand scheme of things, relationships break down all the time because people get way too caught up in the minutiae of life, (like this) rather than remembering why they fell in love .  You gotta remember why you fell in love with this man/woman.  You have to look at them and remember how you felt when you first got together.  Remember that feeling and you have BOTH got to let all of this go.  

I mean seriously if you are not prepared to make any compromise I just feel that you want it all your own way.  and I am sorry for saying that - I do not mean to be horrible truly, but nothing is going to change unless you make that happen

Marvel1

MysteryRegular said:

pureshores said:

I am willing to have them stay with us in the future but MIL would need to be respectful of the routines in place.

I am not saying you are an ogre, but looking at this sentence, nothing has changed for you.  You still want things the way you want them and will not compromise.  You say what is in the past is in the past, but you are just dragging the same stuff in to the future.
You are just asking for a repeat occurrence really, as your MIL clearly wants to shower in the morning and so do you, and neither of you can be have a shower at night for some reason.

I prefer a morning shower before work as I feel more fresh.

Would getting up earlier during the visiting period to shower (yourself) be an issue? Just an idea.

pureshores

Marvel1 said:

MysteryRegular said:

pureshores said:

I am willing to have them stay with us in the future but MIL would need to be respectful of the routines in place.

I am not saying you are an ogre, but looking at this sentence, nothing has changed for you.  You still want things the way you want them and will not compromise.  You say what is in the past is in the past, but you are just dragging the same stuff in to the future.
You are just asking for a repeat occurrence really, as your MIL clearly wants to shower in the morning and so do you, and neither of you can be have a shower at night for some reason.

I prefer a morning shower before work as I feel more fresh.

Would getting up earlier during the visiting period to shower (yourself) be an issue? Just an idea.

think you misquoted there its not about me "preferring" or  "feeling" more fresh as opposed to an actual hygienic need. 

pureshores

MysteryRegular said:

@pureshores
If  were a guest I would be respectful - however that is comparing apples to oranges, as if they are from a different culture, they have different expectations and a different upbringing to how I have been brought up.  I wonder if the clash of cultures is a bigger issue (however I like my space and have never stayed over in someone elses home in my life) 

I do get where you are coming from and in your shoes, I would just 'silently seethe'   BECAUSE, it really is not a massive problem for a short amount of time, if it means to make your partner happy.  I love my partner, I want him to be happy, I would never ever put him in this situation - and if that means me having the small inconvenience of showering at night, I would.  It is a compromise.  I would do it for him, but don't get me wrong, I would expect something in return for my kindness from him...a romantic meal or something like that.:D  I would never pit myself up against my partners Mother, as win or lose (for me) - he is going to get hurt. I value him far too much.  I think your OH is hurt and I gotta be honest, most relationships where folk do not make an effort / or cannot get on with, each others families, do not last.  Family is important and it sounds of extreme importance to your partner . You gotta stop putting him - and yourself,  in this position.

In the grand scheme of things, relationships break down all the time because people get way too caught up in the minutiae of life, (like this) rather than remembering why they fell in love .  You gotta remember why you fell in love with this man/woman.  You have to look at them and remember how you felt when you first got together.  Remember that feeling and you have BOTH got to let all of this go.  

I mean seriously if you are not prepared to make any compromise I just feel that you want it all your own way.  and I am sorry for saying that - I do not mean to be horrible truly, but nothing is going to change unless you make that happen

I do try to remember why we fell in love. There are other issues in the relationship not just this that are making me question a future, but this is definitely one of the big ones. 
Sometimes we have moments of happiness enjoying each other's company but then it get's shattered. But of course when i fell in love i didn't know that my feelings would never be considered & that MIL would be prioritized. I don't understand why OH couldn't see both sides. If i had been in their position i would have just had a word with my mother in the first place. And tbh it's not even that it's the fact OH has been chosen to be intentionally nasty to my mother for 2 years now. 

swingaloo

I think you mind is set and nothing anyone can say is going to make any difference. Despite all the opinions and advice you are still stamping your feet in an 'Its not fair' way.

I don't think you know the true meaning of compromise and from the things you have said about moving out when they come shows that you don't really want to make a true effort to mend things.

Your O/H isn't covered with glory in this at all but  presumably by now he is used to your stance on things and perhaps that's why he is now also unwilling to compromise. 

I think that for both your sakes you should call a day on this relationship.

xylophone

Like or need is immaterial - you could still have chosen to get up fifteen minutes earlier whichever it was?

You could have had breakfast  wearing your dressing gown while the kitchen was empty and then nipped in to the shower when MIL came out?

But surely the basic problem is that you don't like sharing your home with anybody other than your partner? Your mother causes no problem because she has no need to stay overnight.

This is not to say that there is anything admirable about your partner's attitude to your mother - it is utterly rude and immature.
 And s/he could have mentioned to  her/his mother before  commencement of the  holiday that you would be working during their visit and needed to be at the station/in the car by....am.

  And to tell people that you had "thrown  the parents out" was untrue - and even if it had been true, why was he discussing a private matter with people who were not involved?

Anyway,  the row  is in the past. For the present and future, if you want to continue with this relationship, you are going to have to discuss how (or whether) to go on.

I find it disturbing that  s/he  seems to want to continue punishing you for a  quarrel that had elements of six of one and half a dozen of the other.

There are times when it is best to cut your losses. If there is  a refusal to compromise now, what will it be like if there are children and their upbringing to consider?

Are you both willing to try counselling?

Gavin83

pureshores said:

HampshireH said:

Gues the question now is;

Do you still want to get married & have kids with a man who acts like a boy, continuously seeks "revenge" and dislikes your mother to the point he leaves the house and starts a fight about it.

Doesn't sound like a great place to be or bring kids into.

see that's my dilemma, bc by the majority of responses on here I am the one in the wrong & OH is perfectly entitled to be behaving like this (why would i expect any less) after the way I treated MIL. 

 No one is saying that. However you appear to want your partner to admit they’re in the wrong and you’re right and then carry on like nothing happened. This won’t happen. You both think you’re in the right and the other is wrong. I can’t see your partner changing their mind and it appears from this thread you won’t either.

Saying that I don’t think you’re blameless in this but then again you aren’t being entirely unreasonable and I can understand your POV. None the less it was your choice to enter a relationship with someone from a culture where the parents word is not to be questioned and therefore you have to accept your partner will never take your side. I’m actually somewhat surprised they haven’t broken it off themselves. It’ll also get much worse once you have children, your MIL will have the final say in how your children are raised.

You appear to have 3 choices. Continue as you are, with you both hating each other’s parents, which’ll likely lead to you breaking up in a few years. Second choice is that you apologise for your actions and become the bigger person, however this will likely lead to resentment on your part and will lead to your MIL being more interfering in the future. Final option is to accept this relationship is no longer working and you find someone with similar values to yourself. I’d honestly suggest taking option 3 but it is of course your life.

Marisco

Gavin83 said:

pureshores said:

HampshireH said:

Gues the question now is;

Do you still want to get married & have kids with a man who acts like a boy, continuously seeks "revenge" and dislikes your mother to the point he leaves the house and starts a fight about it.

Doesn't sound like a great place to be or bring kids into.

see that's my dilemma, bc by the majority of responses on here I am the one in the wrong & OH is perfectly entitled to be behaving like this (why would i expect any less) after the way I treated MIL. 

 No one is saying that. However you appear to want your partner to admit they’re in the wrong and you’re right and then carry on like nothing happened. This won’t happen. You both think you’re in the right and the other is wrong. I can’t see your partner changing their mind and it appears from this thread you won’t either.

Saying that I don’t think you’re blameless in this but then again you aren’t being entirely unreasonable and I can understand your POV. None the less it was your choice to enter a relationship with someone from a culture where the parents word is not to be questioned and therefore you have to accept your partner will never take your side. I’m actually somewhat surprised they haven’t broken it off themselves. It’ll also get much worse once you have children, your MIL will have the final say in how your children are raised.

You appear to have 3 choices. Continue as you are, with you both hating each other’s parents, which’ll likely lead to you breaking up in a few years. Second choice is that you apologise for your actions and become the bigger person, however this will likely lead to resentment on your part and will lead to your MIL being more interfering in the future. Final option is to accept this relationship is no longer working and you find someone with similar values to yourself. I’d honestly suggest taking option 3 but it is of course your life.

So would I Gavin, no way would I play second fiddle to MIL. It's alright people saying the op should understand as it's a different culture etc, but the partner should also realise the same, and shouldn't expect her mothers' word to be law in someone elses' house. (Sorry if I've got the genders the wrong way round, I just hate using "they" for one person )

onwards&upwards

I feel like some posters are reading a completely different thread than I am!

Why are so many of you getting into the rights and wrongs of asking a guest to wait until after 7.30 to shower?  This is SO not the issue here!

OPs partner stormed out with their parents declaring the relationship over because he asked their guest to shower after 7.30, and after crawling back has then spent YEARS being deliberately horrible to a third party who was not in any way involved and has done absolutely nothing to deserve it!

OP, honestly, run for the hills.  Someone who will deliberately and prolongedly punish an innocent person like that is NOT A NICE PERSON!  How do you think they would treat their children?  Here’s a clue, not any better!