in-law relationships/advice

Savvy_Sue

pureshores said:

Gavin83 said:

OP, what are you actually looking for from this topic?

honestly I wanted to know if this was all my fault. If I was being unreasonable. It seems slightly more of the responses would err on that side. Thus is makes it hard to move forward, how can I ask/expect things to change if this was all my fault, if I was being unreasonable? So predicament remains, I don't like the way OH is behaving but it seems it's my comeuppance …. 

Alternatively, it's not ALL your fault, but you are being A BIT unreasonable. Have you suggested to your OH that you want the relationship to improve and would therefore like to get some relationship counselling? If they won't go with you, go on your own (but I wouldn't take that as a good sign ...)

[Deleted User]

pureshores said:

Gavin83 said:

OP, what are you actually looking for from this topic?

honestly I wanted to know if this was all my fault. If I was being unreasonable. It seems slightly more of the responses would err on that side. Thus is makes it hard to move forward, how can I ask/expect things to change if this was all my fault, if I was being unreasonable? So predicament remains, I don't like the way OH is behaving but it seems it's my comeuppance …. 

It's not a black and white case of you're right, you haven't done anything wrong, it's all your partner's fault.  Neither of you has behaved particularly well.  MIL probably didn't behave particularly well either.  Trying to assign blame isn't going to help you or your relationship move forward.  

When my parents come to visit we inevitably end up marching to the beat of my father's drum.  When it's just mum on her own things are easy breezy but my dad is pretty regimented in his routine (breakfast at 6, coffee at 11, lunch at 1 and dinner at 6) and he can be a bit oblivious at times.  Does it drive me round the twist, yes sometimes it does but I love him and I don't get to see him often due to distance so I just take a few deep breathes and keep on smiling.  He's not going to change and his good points far out way his quirks.  That's all you had to do when MIL visited, it's only two weeks out the year but instead it seems like you made her feel as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit from the very beginning.  Is MIL a drama llama, quite possibly and you gave her the ammunition to do it.  Can you recover from this? Maybe.  Do you want to recover if it means eating a huge slice of humble pie?  I'm not so sure that you do in which case it's 'Goodnight Vienna' for this relationship.  Before you say anything this doesn't mean to say that I think your partner is smelling of roses either.

[Deleted User]

SadieO said:

Regardless of anything else on the thread, your OH openly admitted they were being mean to your mum (who hadn't done anything to them) to punish you. Sorry but that is really worrying. Yes, we can all hurt people but you'd hope if it did happen it would be by accident or by being thoughtless. Not deliberately making a choice to be cruel to someone. That is a huge red flag and I think all the comments on your MiL, the shower etc are really missing the point. 

Perhaps it's the only way partner thinks that (s)he can get through to the OP.  Not that it makes it right.

onwards&upwards

Lover_of_Lycra said:

SadieO said:

Regardless of anything else on the thread, your OH openly admitted they were being mean to your mum (who hadn't done anything to them) to punish you. Sorry but that is really worrying. Yes, we can all hurt people but you'd hope if it did happen it would be by accident or by being thoughtless. Not deliberately making a choice to be cruel to someone. That is a huge red flag and I think all the comments on your MiL, the shower etc are really missing the point. 

Perhaps it's the only way partner thinks that (s)he can get through to the OP.  Not that it makes it right.

Hell no!

Imagine if the OP’s mum posted on here about how her daughter/son in law was deliberately treating her badly, refusing to speak to her, leaving the house when she visited etc. and the only reason was to get back at the partner for a minor row years earlier?

We’d be horrified, in fact I think we’d have struggled to believe it, asking if there wasn’t more to it because of how strange and awful it is for someone to coldly choose to be vile to another human being who has done them absolutely no wrong at all.  

I feel really sorry for OP’s mum, I bet she’s praying they don’t have children. 

[Deleted User]

Is it just because of a minor row though or was it the straw that broke the camel's back? 

onwards&upwards

Lover_of_Lycra said:

Is it just because of a minor row though or was it the straw that broke the camel's back? 

It doesn’t even matter if that were the case, it’s not the OP’s mum who wronged him/her but he/she has calculatingly decided to treat them terribly anyway.  

Its a sign of a really nasty piece of work, a bully in fact. 

Incdentally, OP can you just tell us the genders now please?  You’ve got enough unbiased replies and it’s getting annoying having to type both!

[Deleted User]

onwards&upwards said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

Is it just because of a minor row though or was it the straw that broke the camel's back? 

It doesn’t even matter if that were the case, it’s not the OP’s mum who wronged him/her but he/she has calculatingly decided to treat them terribly anyway.  

Its a sign of a really nasty piece of work, a bully in fact. 

Incdentally, OP can you just tell us the genders now please?  You’ve got enough unbiased replies and it’s getting annoying having to type both!

You could easily use "they" instead since it makes perfect sense. 

I think bully is a bit strong and the OP doesn't come across as the easiest person to live with. There's been a strong uncercurrent of "it's my way or the high way" and "I'm right, you're wrong" along with "your family isn't welcome in our home". Not forgetting the passive aggression. 

onwards&upwards

Lover_of_Lycra said:

onwards&upwards said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

Is it just because of a minor row though or was it the straw that broke the camel's back? 

It doesn’t even matter if that were the case, it’s not the OP’s mum who wronged him/her but he/she has calculatingly decided to treat them terribly anyway.  

Its a sign of a really nasty piece of work, a bully in fact. 

Incdentally, OP can you just tell us the genders now please?  You’ve got enough unbiased replies and it’s getting annoying having to type both!

You could easily use "they" instead since it makes perfect sense. 

I think bully is a bit strong and the OP doesn't come across as the easiest person to live with. There's been a strong uncercurrent of "it's my way or the high way" and "I'm right, you're wrong" along with "your family isn't welcome in our home". Not forgetting the passive aggression. 

You don’t think the partners behaviour towards the MIL is cruel and bullying?  Refusing to come home until they have left?  Refusing to be civil?  To a completely innocent party that they have no actual disagreement with? 

How would you feel on the receiving end of that?

[Deleted User]

onwards&upwards said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

onwards&upwards said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

Is it just because of a minor row though or was it the straw that broke the camel's back? 

It doesn’t even matter if that were the case, it’s not the OP’s mum who wronged him/her but he/she has calculatingly decided to treat them terribly anyway.  

Its a sign of a really nasty piece of work, a bully in fact. 

Incdentally, OP can you just tell us the genders now please?  You’ve got enough unbiased replies and it’s getting annoying having to type both!

You could easily use "they" instead since it makes perfect sense. 

I think bully is a bit strong and the OP doesn't come across as the easiest person to live with. There's been a strong uncercurrent of "it's my way or the high way" and "I'm right, you're wrong" along with "your family isn't welcome in our home". Not forgetting the passive aggression. 

You don’t think the partners behaviour towards the MIL is cruel and bullying?  Refusing to come home until they have left?  Refusing to be civil?  To a completely innocent party that they have no actual disagreement with? 

How would you feel on the receiving end of that?

Nope, I think cruel and bullying is an exaggeration. Unpleasant, probably, childish, definitely. It's probably not a million miles away from how the OP made the in-laws feel from the very start of their visit. 

Would it bother me to be on the receiving end of it? Not really as I'd rather not be in the company of someone who behaved like that or didn't like me for whatever reason. 

onwards&upwards

Lover_of_Lycra said:

onwards&upwards said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

onwards&upwards said:

Lover_of_Lycra said:

Is it just because of a minor row though or was it the straw that broke the camel's back? 

It doesn’t even matter if that were the case, it’s not the OP’s mum who wronged him/her but he/she has calculatingly decided to treat them terribly anyway.  

Its a sign of a really nasty piece of work, a bully in fact. 

Incdentally, OP can you just tell us the genders now please?  You’ve got enough unbiased replies and it’s getting annoying having to type both!

You could easily use "they" instead since it makes perfect sense. 

I think bully is a bit strong and the OP doesn't come across as the easiest person to live with. There's been a strong uncercurrent of "it's my way or the high way" and "I'm right, you're wrong" along with "your family isn't welcome in our home". Not forgetting the passive aggression. 

You don’t think the partners behaviour towards the MIL is cruel and bullying?  Refusing to come home until they have left?  Refusing to be civil?  To a completely innocent party that they have no actual disagreement with? 

How would you feel on the receiving end of that?

Nope, I think cruel and bullying is an exaggeration. Unpleasant, probably, childish, definitely. It's probably not a million miles away from how the OP made the in-laws feel from the very start of their visit. 

Would it bother me to be on the receiving end of it? Not really as I'd rather not be in the company of someone who behaved like that or didn't like me for whatever reason. 

That’s fine if it’s just a random person, an acquaintance, a co-worker or a distant relative.  Not so simple if it’s your child’s partner, possibly the future parent of your grandchildren.