in-law relationships/advice

Marvel1

pureshores said:

Marvel1 said:

MysteryRegular said:

pureshores said:

I am willing to have them stay with us in the future but MIL would need to be respectful of the routines in place.

I am not saying you are an ogre, but looking at this sentence, nothing has changed for you.  You still want things the way you want them and will not compromise.  You say what is in the past is in the past, but you are just dragging the same stuff in to the future.
You are just asking for a repeat occurrence really, as your MIL clearly wants to shower in the morning and so do you, and neither of you can be have a shower at night for some reason.

I prefer a morning shower before work as I feel more fresh.

Would getting up earlier during the visiting period to shower (yourself) be an issue? Just an idea.

think you misquoted there its not about me "preferring" or  "feeling" more fresh as opposed to an actual hygienic need. 

Sorry, I meant to say that too, as I too for hygienic purposes as I sweat in bed, so know the need for one.  I even had to go out at 6am to an atm for cash to top up the prepayment meter just to have a shower (I need to ditch this meter).

Marvel1

onwards&upwards said:

OP, honestly, run for the hills.  Someone who will deliberately and prolongedly punish an innocent person like that is NOT A NICE PERSON!  How do you think they would treat their children?  Here’s a clue, not any better

I would be too, but for different reasons, expecting money from parents to pay for stuff and begrudging them if they didn't.

pureshores

swingaloo said:

I think you mind is set and nothing anyone can say is going to make any difference. Despite all the opinions and advice you are still stamping your feet in an 'Its not fair' way.

I don't think you know the true meaning of compromise and from the things you have said about moving out when they come shows that you don't really want to make a true effort to mend things.

Your O/H isn't covered with glory in this at all but  presumably by now he is used to your stance on things and perhaps that's why he is now also unwilling to compromise. 

I think that for both your sakes you should call a day on this relationship.

I mentioned the moving out as another poster had suggested it, so I tried to take on board this idea but then you say i'm still wrong. 
I am willing to move forward & have them holiday with us, but yes I do expect them to be respectful that is not unreasonable & i'm not sure why that means i'm digging in my heels. As i say if the boot had been on the other foot we would not be in this situation. For anyone reading, i'm not simply saying consider my position in this, but if you had been MIL what would you have done, if you were OH would you be acting in the same way? (again genuinely asking)

Re me expecting money from the parents that's completely out of context. OH was out of work through no fault of their own for a prolonged period. I covered both shares of the rent  however this obviously had an impact on my finances. During the same period OH parents bought one sibling a flat & paid for the other siblings wedding (both whom still reside in the home country) but did not support OH at all. They just literally had no concern or regard as to how OH would sustain living in another country with no income. Whilst I completely understand at OH age where their living is not their parents responsibility you would think there would be a point where parental, or even human, compassion would come in. Perhaps I'm wrong. If they can afford lavish things for the other siblings would it have hurt them to even say look we know your in a difficult situation just now this year we'll pay your flights to come visit us (I don't go so this has no impact on me before anyone accuses me of looking for free flights) but even something like that to easy a tiny bit of the  strain that was on OH at the time.  it seems like preferential treatment. It's not the money that upsets me, it's is that they appear to care less about OH that the other siblings, but of course OH just turns a blind eye. They are happy to come & stay here whilst telling OH to leave me & the country (as apparently i'm horrible) yet seem to forget that it's because of my support & commitment to OH they have a roof to come & holiday under in the first place. (well aware i'll probably get a backlash from the above). 

Also just to note cultural differences are not as different as is being implied. Yes they reside in another country but there is no strict religion & it's not a hugely different way of living. I suppose generally they might be considered more "abrupt" in mannerisms & i mean that in general terms obviously as individuals are different (well aware someone will point out i'm the abrupt/rude one). 

pureshores

onwards&upwards said:

OPs partner stormed out with their parents declaring the relationship over because he asked their guest to shower after 7.30, and after crawling back has then spent YEARS being deliberately horrible to a third party who was not in any way involved and has done absolutely nothing to deserve it!

This is what concerns me. I completely understand OH feeling hurt by what happened but for it to drag on like it has .... 

elsien

swingaloo said:

I think you mind is set and nothing anyone can say is going to make any difference. Despite all the opinions and advice you are still stamping your feet in an 'Its not fair' way.

I don't think you know the true meaning of compromise and from the things you have said about moving out when they come shows that you don't really want to make a true effort to mend things.

Your O/H isn't covered with glory in this at all but  presumably by now he is used to your stance on things and perhaps that's why he is now also unwilling to compromise. 

I think that for both your sakes you should call a day on this relationship.

I think that is quite unfair on the OP and that regardless of the original trigger, OH is now behaving worse. There's a difference between compromise to make things better and accepting the bad behaviour moving forwards. It's not reasonable for the OP to have the partner leave the house every time her mother visits and saying that it is is giving a green flag for the OH to continue to behave like a child. 

Savvy_Sue

OP, if you want to continue this relationship, the only suggestion that I think will help at all is relationship counselling (and I've already said as much). You would both benefit from a neutral adult in the room who can reflect back to each of you what you seem to be saying. 

If they aren't interested, I'd say that speaks volumes. 

BTW, how does OH react to the suggestion of returning to their home country? Is that something they actually want to do? Again, this would speak volumes. 

badmemory

Whose name is the tenancy in?  Don't move out if you will still be liable for the rent.  Will the OH have to go to their home country if they are no longer resident with you?  If you are female please don't allow yourself to become pregnant until all these issues have been resolved.  If you are male don't make the mistake of getting her pregnant & landing yourself with a life long responsibility until all these issues have been resolved.  Please just be very careful, this relationship does not look good/healthy.

Gavin83

OP, what are you actually looking for from this topic?

pureshores

Gavin83 said:

OP, what are you actually looking for from this topic?

honestly I wanted to know if this was all my fault. If I was being unreasonable. It seems slightly more of the responses would err on that side. Thus is makes it hard to move forward, how can I ask/expect things to change if this was all my fault, if I was being unreasonable? So predicament remains, I don't like the way OH is behaving but it seems it's my comeuppance …. 

SadieO

Regardless of anything else on the thread, your OH openly admitted they were being mean to your mum (who hadn't done anything to them) to punish you. Sorry but that is really worrying. Yes, we can all hurt people but you'd hope if it did happen it would be by accident or by being thoughtless. Not deliberately making a choice to be cruel to someone. That is a huge red flag and I think all the comments on your MiL, the shower etc are really missing the point.