in-law relationships/advice

pureshores

Just wondering how in law relationships are amongst families? Feel like there is the stereotype of not getting along with the mother in law but also then the other extreme of seeing everyone play happy families. 

Things in my relationship have been difficult for some time. There are other various differences but the biggest & ongoing issue is in-law relationships ie my partners relationship with my mother.

I’ll try to explain the situation in full & as non bias as possible & maybe people can share their views re my expectations. 

My partner & I have been in a relationship for 6 years. My partner is from another country but chose to move here & continue living here permanently prior to meeting me. We live together in my home city (the same city partner chose to move to). Due to the above my parents live locally however my partners obviously do not. 

My partner visits their home country once a year for approx 2 years & their parents visit here every year as well, again for 2 weeks. 

When we initially moved in together i made it clear from the offset i did not want partners parents residing with us during their holiday here. I know this maybe sounds mean or rude but i have my reasons: 

1. when we needed money to pay a month's deposit on the place & get furniture for it when we first started renting it as it was unfurnished it was my parents who helped us out with money. OH parents, despite knowing the situation, did not offer a single penny. 

2. in my view partner & parents don’t have a particularly close relationship eg. OH birthday will pass & there is no contact from the parents. 

3. I find that contact between partner & parents is only when it’s something that will benefit them. 

4. Had only met them once prior 

5. They booked their flights to come over before even consulting us to check we didnt already have plans

I find it ironic they didnt help at all with the cost of it but were/are quite happy to come over & treat it like a holiday home. I’ve been brought up to pay my way. 

Anyway the first year they came over & despite my disagreeing they stayed with us. A year later they returned again despite me disagreeing, staying with us. Unfortunately a few days in an argument took place between me & MIL. Basically, i didn't take time off work whilst they were here as no real need so as such still had to get up & ready for work etc & needed my sleep. MIL seems to feel the need to get up 6am (despite being on holiday) which meant i’d waken to find her in the shower & in the kitchen etc when i needed in to get ready for work. Anyway, after a few mornings I asked if OH could just talk to their mum & politely ask if she could maybe wait until i left for work before using the shower etc,  just to put this into perspective i leave for work at 7.30am so its not like i’m asking her to wait all day. Of course OH did not. Roll forward to the next morning & the same is happening & i just think to myself not having 2 weeks of this, so i say speak to MIL about it myself. FYI MIL is a 60 year old lady. I didnt shout or raise my voice I tried to be polite/civil about the matter as i didnt want a fuss before work. Next thing i know MIL is crying & OH is now out of bed shouting at me asking what i’ve done to upset MIL. I try to explain but OH keeps interrupting me & we are both talking over each other which then lead to MIL shouting at me to “shut up”. At this point i do react & shout back that I will not be told to shut up in my own home. 

Anyway long story short in laws end up moving to alternative accomodation for the remainder of their holiday & OH moves with them effectively ending the relationship by stating & telling everyone that I “kicked them out”. I repeatedly stated that this was by  no means the case & that I simply made a request if MIL could use facilities after i left for work (not including the  toilet obviously i know people need the toilet!)

After the in law left OH moved back in & our relationship resumed. 

This happened 2 years ago now but unfortunately things seem to have got progressively worse over this time not better. Its now at the point that if my mother comes to visit OH feels the need to leave the house, basically refusing to be here if my mother is. FYI my mother is never really here for long as if she does pop by it’s usually as we are heading out somewhere together. Occasionally she will stay for lunch/dinner which means she’s in the house 1.5h max/week & that is not every week. When i say to OH that my mother might be coming round i get responses like “for f*** sake does she have to” & there have been several occasions when my mother has been round & OH has text me refusing to come home until my mother leaves.  I can’t go on like this. 

I have no other family other than my mother so its important to me they get along. I’m not a horrible unreasonable person (despite what this post may imply) & i do understand that OH may feel bitter about what happened between myself & MIL. But as i say we are 2 years down the line. Strangely OH wasnt this bad towards my mother in the aftermath of it all back then, as i say it seems to have gotten progressively worse instead of better. 

Whenever I bring it up all I get from OH is “well you were horrible to my mother so i’ll be horrible to yours”. To this day OH still blames me 100% for what happened. I have always said i dont have a problem with MIL I simply just didn't want them staying with us (or if they did if MIL could have been a bit more respectful of my routine). I am happy enough to have them round the next time they are holidaying here & cook a meal etc or go out for a meal to make amends etc but OH just states “do you really think my mother wants to be around you after what you did”. 

I feel I have tried. It’s unfair of OH to punish my mother for what happened when she was not involved. I’m at a loss of what to do or how to move forward. I don’t see how the relationship can have a future like this. We about both in our 30s so it’s not like we are young & I honestly feel like my life is on hold. I want to have a child soon but how can we… . Given its my parents that are local they would be the ones helping with childcare etc so how the hell is that going to work when OH can’t be civil to my mother? What message will it give to the child(ren) to see parent leave the house every time grandparents arrive? I’ve brought up how i feel with OH who claims things would be different if children were involved but i doubt it much as people don’t just change. 

I feel like as far as family feuds go, this was over something quite trivial that got blown out of proportion, i’m sure other families out there have argued over worse stuff but at now past it. 

I don’t want to throw away a 6 year relationship, or start over again when i’m into my 30s but as I said about i’m tired of it & really struggling to find a way how we can move forward successfully.

Thoughts appreciated.

pureshores

sorry cant edit my post, I didn't manage to keep the non bias out lol
also OH visits their home country for approx. 2 weeks/year (not 2 years lol)

wh_em

Sounds like the problem isn’t the in laws it’s the partner. I’d have a frank conversation with your partner and get this sorted out 

DCFC79

pureshores said:

sorry cant edit my post, I didn't manage to keep the non bias out lol
also OH visits their home country for approx. 2 weeks/year (not 2 years lol)

To edit your post there should be a small cog, click it amd you choose edit reply/post.
Im not sure what to say, you've been amicable about it.
Probably not what you were wanting but have you considered it might be wise to end it.

pureshores

wh_em said:

Sounds like the problem isn’t the in laws it’s the partner. I’d have a frank conversation with your partner and get this sorted out 

trust me I continue to try but the responses I get are detailed above in the original post ie. "well you weren't nice to my mother so why should I be nice to  yours" .

DCFC79 said:

pureshores said:

sorry cant edit my post, I didn't manage to keep the non bias out lol
also OH visits their home country for approx. 2 weeks/year (not 2 years lol)

To edit your post there should be a small cog, click it amd you choose edit reply/post.
Im not sure what to say, you've been amicable about it.
Probably not what you were wanting but have you considered it might be wise to end it.

thanks yes, when i click on the cog a box appears that should say edit but it doesnt say anything?

thanks for your thought its nice to hear a second opinions that i am being amicable about it. 
I think i know in my heart it can't go on like this. As i say i just dont want to "throw away" a 6 year relationship & fear starting over again at my age. 

[Deleted User]

If you've been brought up to pay your way why are you so upset that the in-laws didn't contribute towards the deposit and furnishing your home? Why did you need to take money off your parents instead of paying for these things yourself? 

Where does your partner stay when he visits his parents? Have you ever gone with him when he returns to his home country? 

You say your mother is your only family and then go on to talk about your parents living near by so is your father also around? 

To be honest I think you were unreasonable when his parents visited. As irritating as you might have found his mother you could have just sucked it up for a couple of weeks given he hardly gets to see her. Meanwhile he's expected to put up with your mum visiting all the time. 

Socajam

OP, I am with you.
Parents are on holiday, it should be made clear that the shower is not going to be free until after 7:30 - that is not too much to ask.
For your part, I would go my way, as bringing a child into this relationship with with tied your hands to a partner who seems to be very inflexible and things will only get worse.  Get out whilst the iron is hot.
I never invited my mother to my house because she is a searcher. I know for a fact that if I were toe leave her alone for a couple of hours, she would be searching through our stuff.  Whilst my SO's parents never would think of doing something like that.  It was sad, but I knew the type of person my mother was and I was not prepared to put up with how she was.

pureshores

Lover_of_Lycra said:

If you've been brought up to pay your way why are you so upset that the in-laws didn't contribute towards the deposit and furnishing your home? Why did you need to take money off your parents instead of paying for these things yourself? 

Where does your partner stay when he visits his parents? Have you ever gone with him when he returns to his home country? 

You say your mother is your only family and then go on to talk about your parents living near by so is your father also around? 

To be honest I think you were unreasonable when his parents visited. As irritating as you might have found his mother you could have just sucked it up for a couple of weeks given he hardly gets to see her. Meanwhile he's expected to put up with your mum visiting all the time. 

first of all it's not MY home but OUR home. second I'm not upset that they didn't contribute what i'm annoyed about is the fact they then have the audacity to treat it as a holiday home. If they wanted nothing to do with it at the time, they should continue that now, not pick & choose when it suits. Third by contributing they would not have been help ME out but would have in fact been helping their own child out. 

Re why I didn't pay the deposit & furniture myself since I've been brought up to pay my own way was because my savings were running low due to paying both my share & OH share of rent on our previous tenancy due to OH being out of work at the time & my parents wanted to help out, I did not ask them too. But it is typical for parents to want to help their children, no? Had OH not been out of work, we would have been able to split the cost of the deposit no problem & probably got the bulk of our own furniture too. OH parents didn't care about any of that as long as they had a place to stay for their holiday. MIL helping her own child out is NOT helping ME out. There is a difference.

Yes I have both my parents. I see my mother approx. once/week & father approx. once/month. My relationship with my father is strained. 

Re my mum visiting "all the time". She normally visits for less than an hour once a week so I wouldn't really call that all the time. There are occasions I she doesn't visit for 2 weeks. Given OH hardly gets to see their mother, wouldn't it have been appropriate for MIL to perhaps tried to make their time together enjoyable instead of instigating the situation. At the end of the day she was a guest here thus should have been respectful not shouted at me & told me to shut up, which is rude. I would never speak to someone like that, never mind in their own home. 

We visited their home country together on one occasion prior to this event. We did not stay with OH parents & were actually told by another family member we could not stay with them as we would be upset by their routine. 

also don't assume gender roles. 

with your opinion in mind, are you saying that OH treatment of my mother is acceptable due to what happened? I would welcome a suggestion of how to then move forward with the relationship? Do I just accept OH treatment of my mother forever into the future now?

Marvel1

pureshores said:

1. when we needed money to pay a month's deposit on the place & get furniture for it when we first started renting it as it was unfurnished it was my parents who helped us out with money. OH parents, despite knowing the situation, did not offer a single penny.

Seriously! Sounds spoilt to me and poor money management in saving.  I did it all by myself, parents offered but I refused.

pureshores said:I
’ve been brought up to pay my way.

I very much doubt it from above!

Sorry to be harsh but this jumped out for me.


Moving onto in-laws, it's the usual bias, you for your Mum and him for his.

elsien

6 of one and half a dozen of the other.
With regards to your list of reasons in your OP for not wanting them to stay, it doesn't matter what your view is of how close they are or what benefits them, they are your OH family and I do feel you were being unreasonable. You talk about guests in your house but they're not guests to him.
My guess would be that you perhaps weren't as good at hiding your resentment as you think you were before it all went pearshaped.

What is your communication like about the other important issues in your life. What does OH feel about having children and how that is going to work? You can't have a family together if you can't resolve issues and you haven't actually said that you love him, just that you don't want to start again at your age. It almost feels as if the MIL saga is a smokescreen on which to hang the problems. It's hard to believe that everything else can be fine when this is still going on after so long.
You call him OH but are you married? Is that on the agenda at all.

pickledonionspaceraider

I think you both sound very young. 

I say this because it seems all very tit for tat

Your parents gave you money towards your house ,but his did not.  This is very unusual, but then you keep talking repeatedly about paying your way, whilst also accepting money.  You have no right to expect help from anyone

It was only two weeks.  I would have bit my tongue rather than end up shouting at my MIL.  I would have showered at night.  I know it is YOUR house as you say, but they are your guests and a huge important part of your partners life.  If you value your partner, you value what is important to him too

IMHO a relationship does not have a chance of working if either of you will not make an effort with the inlaws.  Yes they can be a pain, but realise they are a HUGE part of each others lives and should not be used to take aim at.  It just builds resentment....as you are finding out, and you will both continue to find out, unless you start acting like adults or either of your resentment builds up to a state where you end the relationship.  You should never have got to the point where they all ended up having to leave, as your OH was put in a 'it is them or me' situation.

Your inlaws, they are clearly from a different culture and different expectations and lifestyle and I think that the impression you have made on them, is going to have long lasting effects as now your MIL does not want to be around you...and what do you think she says to her son, about you, when you are not around.  Remember his Mother is very influential in his life and listening to her saying bad things about you IS going to have an effect on how he views you and the bitterness he obviously feels

I do not think this is a trivial thing, you made your inlaws feel so unwelcome that they left and your partner went with them and now they do not want to be around you, I don't think this is trivial at all - I think that you are trivialising it for some reason, when it is obviously a much bigger situation for everyone else involved.

Honestly, I think you need to do some work on this to put things right.  I do think  if you want to continue your relationship, you need to start acting like you do and not trivialising things that are not trivial.  You seem to be waiting for an apology from someone whose only crime was to have a shower in the morning.