Talk me down please 2

pollyanna_26

it was the fact you read the text from his sister Mel.

Stop thinking you're over reacting Mel. You'll get those thoughts from time to time but it's learned behaviour from years of control.

It's a powerful form of control but think how much better your life is already. Just looking at your recent pics proves that. You can fake a smile but not the light you now have in your eyes. You're doing things,making plans and you have a life worth living. No more hiding from his anger and abuse, choosing every word and living in fear.

Every time you dither or think you're over reacting say STOP loudly . I speak my mind and I'd have said if I thought you were.

Once the legal stuff is sorted you'll stop the worry and qiestioning your thoughts and reactions. That's freedom Mel.

pollyx

mellymoo74

I agree Thorsoak 
I know Pol, will soon see now the legal process has started. 
Just tired, had a really good day, laughed loads then bam. 
I got overwhelmed and we came straight home, my friend got a call to check I was OK. 
Not knowing what the police wanted is annoying me and I don't know why.
Stomach is upset. 

pollyanna_26

Did the police leave a contact no you can phone back on? As it's the weekend you mightn't get a response for a day or so.

I find dealing with each thing as it happens stops any worry or wild imaginings.

Think about pacing a bit and not doing too much stuff all the time. It's lovely to see family and friends again. Your're meeting new people too and learning to eat and enjoy again so make sure you have breaks to just be.every know and then.

I'm aware quiet can lead to the mind going back and feeling uncertain you've done the right thing now. Time to Talk yourself down Mel.

Nothing is your fault but when you've been told the opposite day in and day out over many years it's natural to have those thoughts.

It will get better.

pollyx

elsien

thorsoak said:

mellymoo74 said:

And a text off his sister

Every DOG HAS ITS DAY KARMA WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS AND YOUR SUPPOSED TO LOVE ANIMALS 

Gonna have to report it aren't i

And where has his sister been, all the time you have been having to deal with all his !!!!!! about hospitals/doctors/etc?   Just block her!  (He's probably told her that you had the dogs put down!)

That was exactly my first thought as well, about the lack of help from his family over the last x number of years.
Just remember when you do have wobbles that 3 steps forwards and 2 back is still moving forwards. You'll have good and less good days, just go with the flow when that happens. 

mellymoo74

I called 101 Pol to see what they wanted was told they didn't need me now and couldn't tell me what they wanted due to data protection. 
Appointment is Tuesday afternoon I have 3 videos, 32 messages and 5 emails. 
Just tired I think,. Also the hypocrisy about the dogs then a call about an 'incident' has thrown me I think.
At least it has forced my hand with reporting it. 
I'm a possession, basically I am a pan or a car and I am owned the not doing what is expected has ramped stuff up 

mellymoo74

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Read through that, hopefully enough evidence and I'm strong enough to deal with it 

pollyanna_26

 Quite honestly it never seemed in my eyes that either he or his family were there for you over the years.

When his mother was in hospital you began your original thread seeking advice to help you support your husband who said he was badly treated by the family.

The way you were treated by both his mother and aunt was appalling. You were trying to take her nice food and make things easier but were mainly treated as a stranger throughout that time.

We'll never know the true story behind those times but it does make me wonder about the family dynamics.

Was there a valid reason for the problem beween mum and son.

As I say that's over and done.

What does niggle at me is the way he behaved to you over the years. You were his wife and trying everything to help him. You mentioned recently he was not as ill as he claimed to be ( apart from the Pneumonia). he pretty well turned you into a slave , trying to keep him calm at whatever cost to your own physical and mental health.

No idea whether it was  family trait or just him doing as he pleased while you ran yourself ragged.

I can understand people not wanting to engage with MH services but he always waited until services were due at the door to refuse to leave his bed and left you to face them.

So many things were wrong over the years ruined Christmas's , pushing you to the edge when you were exhausted and ill yourself and making it hard for you to sustain employment.

Stop asking yourself if you are misjudging things. You aren't . Remember the money he spent on online carp filling every room with it while you worried about bills and food.

Not your guilt in any way. You married a user and abuser and paid a very high price for doing so.

pollyx

pollyanna_26

mellymoo74 said:

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Read through that, hopefully enough evidence and I'm strong enough to deal with it 

Be aware Mel you will be asked why you didn't leave the situation a long time ago or report his behaviour.

Many women and men do not report dv and other abuse until they and possibly any children are out of the home and away from their abuser.

Just tell them you were in fear of your life while living under the same roof. He'd messed with your head and you needed to find a place where you had support to help you face doing so.

It's a situation they are used to but it's helpful if you're aware of those questions.

You've been very strong most of the time over the years but protecting him over your own physical and mental health has talen its toll.

Remember your priority was to stay alive from day to day.

You can do this Mel. It's taken a great deal of inner strength to get yourself out of the door to work while keeping everything hidden inside you.

Now you've reported DV the police will make contact to discuss matters so I wouldn't worry about the calls. If you leave a message in reply they will be in touch again. At least you can now make calls, send texts and messages etc without him monitoring what you're doing.

pollyx

mellymoo74

I told them I was embarrassed and ashamed when I spoke to them earlier because I am. 
Been crying on and off all day no idea why it's no worse than the other stuff just feels worse. 

pollyanna_26

You have no reason to feel ashamed or embarressed although many in that situation do. I did when things ramped up with frequent police visits , a couple of ambulance visits and finally the armoured police van they took him away in. He kicked that to bits and stupid me paid monthly for the damage he'd done. Police didn't want me to but I wanted rid of anything conected to my home. He'd made local newspapers for kicking ambulance men on the ground so I just wanted it all over.

My stupid shame was for neighbours knowing. However I did the school run and went to work as normal. He crept around the back way for his usual daily commute so he was an utter coward.

None of the neighbours changed their attitude to me bar one very nosy one who noone liked and I treasure the couple who would phone the police when I couldn't.

It's not your shame Melly . It's his though I doubt that will ever cross his mind.

Tears can be healing. You've kept so much pain, fear and hurt inside for too many years so look on tears as the start of healing.

Apart from everything else although you're happy to be in a safe place you're bound to be exhausted and drained. Take each day as it comes love. One day at a time is the best way.

We'll be here in the days to come.

pollyx.