Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my friend to pay for her boyfriend to come to my wedding in 2021?

Gavin83

onwards&upwards wrote: »

It’s the asking that makes it graspy.

You'll have to fill me in here. Do non cash weddings make no mention to presents at all? Not a word? I always thought the etiquette in the past was to provide a wedding present list.

Saying that I've never been to a wedding where they say you have to give money. Normally they say you don't have to give a gift at all but if you want to cash would be preferred as the couple have everything already. Really see no problem with this but I guess everyone has different opinions.

onwards&upwards

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm not upset at all.
Really, I'm not.
I just happen to think that if you invite one person, that person shouldn't presume that a +1 - at a cost to the bride and groom - should be invited too.
Maybe you could explain why you do think it's OK.

And do you have a suggestion for the 'cheaper option'?

Can you quote where I said that’s ok?

I do think plus ones are generally a good thing to do. But I never said a guest should be allowed to demand one. My position is they are either invited or they aren’t, no ‘pay your way’ option on the table.

I don’t think I get your question, there are loads of ways to have a wedding cheaper than £55 a head!

onwards&upwards

Gavin83 wrote: »

You'll have to fill me in here. Do non cash weddings make no mention to presents at all? Not a word? I always thought the etiquette in the past was to provide a wedding present list.

Saying that I've never been to a wedding where they say you have to give money. Normally they say you don't have to give a gift at all but if you want to cash would be preferred as the couple have everything already. Really see no problem with this but I guess everyone has different opinions.

Well I just googled thinking it would be easy to find loads of simple explanations as to why it’s rude and uncouth for adults old enough to get married to send out begging letters with their invitations, but it turns out i’m an old fogey and it’s now apparently fine.

I despair.

*max*

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Well I just googled thinking it would be easy to find loads of simple explanations as to why it’s rude and uncouth for adults old enough to get married to send out begging letters with their invitations, but it turns out i’m an old fogey and it’s now apparently fine.

I despair.

Thank you! I was having a "British Bingo" and "uncouth" just won me two shots.

Pollycat

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Can you quote where I said that’s ok?

I do think plus ones are generally a good thing to do. But I never said a guest should be allowed to demand one. My position is they are either invited or they aren’t, no ‘pay your way’ option on the table.

I don’t think I get your question, there are loads of ways to have a wedding cheaper than £55 a head!

You actually suggested 'there are cheaper ways'.

onwards&upwards wrote: »

The bride and groom can either invite a plus one or not (don’t forget it doesn’t have to be £55 a head, there are cheaper options!) What they shouldn’t do is say he can come if he pays, it’s just not polite or welcoming or friendly. Sets a nasty precedent.

I agree that there are cheaper ways to provide food at a wedding.

But in this particular instance, it is all booked.
At £55.00 per head.
That is the price.
I really don't see the point of suggesting cheaper ways once the bride and groom have booked their preferred package simply to accommodate a +1.
I was struggling to comprehend your suggestion of a cheaper option for the +1 at this wedding when the cost is £55.00.

Pollycat

Gavin83 wrote: »

You'll have to fill me in here. Do non cash weddings make no mention to presents at all? Not a word? I always thought the etiquette in the past was to provide a wedding present list.

Saying that I've never been to a wedding where they say you have to give money. Normally they say you don't have to give a gift at all but if you want to cash would be preferred as the couple have everything already. Really see no problem with this but I guess everyone has different opinions.

I've never been to a wedding where they say you have to give a gift either.
I'd prefer to give a gift (although as posted previously we don't get many wedding invitations nowadays) but if someone wants money I'd prefer a simple request than the toe-curling embarrassingly trite poem that came with our last invitation.

Gavin83

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Well I just googled thinking it would be easy to find loads of simple explanations as to why it’s rude and uncouth for adults old enough to get married to send out begging letters with their invitations, but it turns out i’m an old fogey and it’s now apparently fine.

I despair.

I did wonder if you were a fair bit older than me but considered it uncouth to ask.

I think these days it's the norm to give cash at weddings. For people of my grandparents generation (approaching 90 now) it was unheard of to live together before marriage. Standard household presents (toasters, towels, tablecloths, etc) were useful and gave them what they needed to setup their new home. Even my parents generation I gather it was unusual to live together first.

These days it's the other way around. I only know a single couple who haven't lived together before marriage (it was an arranged marriage) and I'd actually find it weird if they didn't live together first. I went to a Hindu wedding a few years back and even they'd lived together first. If you've been living together you don't need those household presents so it makes sense to want cash instead.

Anyway, you didn't answer my question. What was the etiquette in the past in relation to presents? Was there literally no mention of them at all?

If anyone else wants to answer feel free. As I said I've never been to a wedding where they haven't wanted cash so I'm genuinely curious.

74jax

Gavin83 wrote: »

I



Anyway, you didn't answer my question. What was the etiquette in the past in relation to presents? Was there literally no mention of them at all?

If anyone else wants to answer feel free. As I said I've never been to a wedding where they haven't wanted cash so I'm genuinely curious.

Once you had recieved the invitation if you wanted you would ask to see the gift list. It would be unheard of to give the gift list with the invite (rightly so I think).

When we got married 7 years ago, when we were asked we just said we didn't have one. A few people pushed us so we just said donations to rnli and people were offended. Can't win :rotfl:

suki1964

74jax wrote: »

Once you had recieved the invitation if you wanted you would ask to see the gift list. It would be unheard of to give the gift list with the invite (rightly so I think).

When we got married 7 years ago, when we were asked we just said we didn't have one. A few people pushed us so we just said donations to rnli and people were offended. Can't win :rotfl:

When we got married and I was requested the guest list, I said we didn't have one, there was nothing we needed other then their presence on the day


Still ended up with two canteens of cutlery and the most ugliest vase in existence :rotfl:

annabethsar

I have just been reading the responses to my post and some of the ones I have gotten are brutal, also about my character and stuff... some of you can be nasty! Also you all went completely off topic some of you...! I only asked about a dilemma. I think I know what I'm doing now with the situation. So thank you for the helpful reviews I know what to do in regards my friend. Thanks Anna