Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my friend to pay for her boyfriend to come to my wedding in 2021?

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

Re bib:
and that's fine if the invite states +1.
This doesn't.

I understand that. As ever, the thread has moved on and I was talking, generally, about the +1 situation. Personally, I wouldn't have a wedding without the +1 option for reasons already stated

In terms of the OPs situation as I said up thread it's early days. It's only at the save your date stage and anything could happen. Friend no longer with partner - some of the chosen 50 might not be able to attend etc etc. I'd just say to the friend that the fine details haven't been sorted yet and I'll clarify nearer the time. All the friend has to do right now is bookmark the date and tell her current partner to do the same

Pollycat

NeilCr wrote: »

I understand that. As ever, the thread has moved on and I was talking, generally, about the +1 situation. Personally, I wouldn't have a wedding without the +1 option for reasons already stated

In terms of the OPs situation as I said up thread it's early days. It's only at the save your date stage and anything could happen. Friend no longer with partner - some of the chosen 50 might not be able to attend etc etc. I'd just say to the friend that the fine details haven't been sorted yet and I'll clarify nearer the time. All the friend has to do right now is bookmark the date and tell her current partner to do the same

That was the suggestion in post #2, which I agreed with in post #4.

warby68

Pollycat wrote: »

You "don't buy the school of thought that says its your wedding, everything should be about you and your wishes/preference/budget."
but the OP has a budget.

The issue here isn't whether this friend can bring a +1.
It's not about the friend feeling uncomfortable on her own.
She doesn't have to be on her own.
It's who should pay for the meal.

I think it perfectly reasonable to allow a +1 with the cost being on the uninvited guest.
This may be the tip of the iceberg.
If the OP pays for this +1 she may end up with a 'you've let Jane bring her bloke and you've only met him once but you've not invited my partner and you know him' scenario.

It's not really relevant how you think it should be done or how you did it or would do it.
The OP has a budget.
The OP has invited who she (and presumably the groom) want to invite within their budget.



In my circle, I'm more likely to be invited to a funeral than a wedding. :rotfl:

You are right - its too late to change and I also said what I would do now this happened in my first post.

I do think I am allowed to say what my background view is as well though, as this gives context for why there is an issue at all. I ended up explaining more lengthily as you seemed to misinterpret what I was saying into it being ok for the friend to ask and that the hosts should also pay. Also that I would change my wedding after invitation stage, neither of which I meant.

Allowing her to pay for an extra guest seems a recipe for potential disaster though as youive said, the 'tip of the iceberg' argument.

I don't think you need an invitation for a funeral actually, but I know what you mean. Strangely I would be perfectly comfortable solo at a funeral but not at a wedding

onwards&upwards

Pollycat wrote: »

I actually didn't think I'd missed your point.


Most people have a finite budget for their wedding.
It appears that this is the case with the OP.
I really don't see why they should pay £55 for a +1 to go to the wedding.
The OP has been - imho - very fair in telling her friend that she doesn't need to feel awkward and alone at the wedding.
Her +1 can attend but it will cost her (or them) £55.00. Not the bride and groom.
Not unreasonable, imho.

The bride and groom can either invite a plus one or not (don’t forget it doesn’t have to be £55 a head, there are cheaper options!) What they shouldn’t do is say he can come if he pays, it’s just not polite or welcoming or friendly. Sets a nasty precedent.

onwards&upwards

suki1964 wrote: »

We paid for our daughters wedding when we found out they were intending on paying for it through the cash gifts they were expecting to receive :eek::eek::eek:

I was mortified. Seriously they were working on the assumption that each couple would be gifting £100 which would pay for the meals :eek:

It seems its common place amongst her peers, they offset the cost of the meal from expected cash gifts. Every time they go to a wedding ( and their age group its a good few a year) they have to rustle up £100 cash gift as well as the new frock etc and they know the cash is basically paying for their meal

Weddings have got insanely out of control and some hideous behaviour and rudeness has been normalised.

Pollycat

onwards&upwards wrote: »

The bride and groom can either invite a plus one or not (don’t forget it doesn’t have to be £55 a head, there are cheaper options!) What they shouldn’t do is say he can come if he pays, it’s just not polite or welcoming or friendly. Sets a nasty precedent.

The bride and groom have opted not to invite a +1 - that's the whole point of the thread.

One of the intended guests isn't happy about that.
To me, that is rude.
If the venue is charging £55 per head for any guests above the 50 included in the package, what would be your cheaper option?
A Greggs steak bake?
This wedding has been booked.
I can't see how there can be cheaper options than what the venue is charging which appears to be £55.00 per person for everyone not included in the 50 guest package.

As for charging for guests not on the list, it's the friend invited who has caused this potential issue.
To me, that's not polite or friendly.
I'm assuming that to be included in a guest list of only 50, she would be a good enough friend to understand that the bride & groom are on a budget.

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

The OP has been - imho - very fair in telling her friend that she doesn't need to feel awkward and alone at the wedding.

Has she said that?

There seems to be quite a lot of discussion about what sort of friend this lady is. You've said random a couple of times but given the numbers (as you have also said I think) it would seem more than possible that this is a good friend. We don't really know, also, how the conversation went. It could be that the friend was checking it out. I realise that it's a bit different - as I am in a LTR - but if I got a save a date card and it didn't mention my partner I'd find out if she was included

On reflection (without knowing the full story) I think the OP might have been a bit trigger happy in banging out the yes but only if you pay for him. As a lot of us have said (including you Pollycat :D:D) this might have been left for a while as the wedding isn't until 2021.

Gavin83

Pollycat wrote: »

Or less graspy friends...:whistle:

I might have missed something but I really fail to see why cash is graspy but presents are not. Cash seems better for everyone involved to be honest. The guests don't have to worry about finding the 'ideal' present and the couple don't receive a load of tat they don't need.

I think in the past when couples didn't live together before marriage presents made more sense. These days not so much.

silvercar

It isn't just about the budget, people decide on numbers based on the size of wedding they want. Once you start allowing +1's you increase the size. This may not be what the couple want.

silvercar

Gavin83 wrote: »

I might have missed something but I really fail to see why cash is graspy but presents are not. Cash seems better for everyone involved to be honest. The guests don't have to worry about finding the 'ideal' present and the couple don't receive a load of tat they don't need.

I think in the past when couples didn't live together before marriage presents made more sense. These days not so much.

Agree, particularly when young couples are often living in small homes so space to store unwanted gifts is difficult.