Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask my friend to pay for her boyfriend to come to my wedding in 2021?

Pollycat

NeilCr wrote: »

Has she said that?

There seems to be quite a lot of discussion about what sort of friend this lady is. You've said random a few times but given the numbers (as you have also said I think) it would seem more than possible that this is a good friend. We don't really know, also, how the conversation went. It could be that the friend was checking it out. I realise that it's a bit different - as I am in a LTR - but if I got a save a date card and it didn't mention my partner I'd find out if she was included

I think I extrapolated that from post #32 which used the term 'awkward and alone'.
Sorry.

You're right.
I have said 'random' several times relating to the friend.

I guess I based that on the fact the friend feels it OK to ask for a +1 to be invited to a limited number guest list.

It's something I would never have done. I would have respected the arrangements made and either gone alone or declined politely, even if it was 'I'm really sorry, I'd love to come but I wouldn't feel comfortable on my own' (which the OP understands anyway).


You're right (again) that we don't know how the conversation went but the friend has said she's not sure she wants to attend if she has to pay.

As an invited guest of 50 people, I'd be surprised if the friend wasn't aware that the invitation was for her specifically so I don't agree that she 'was checking it out'.

NeilCr wrote: »

On reflection (without knowing the full story) I think the OP might have been a bit trigger happy in banging out the yes but only if you pay for him. As a lot of us have said (including you Pollycat :D:D) this might have been left for a while as the wedding isn't until 2021.

I agree with this.
If I were the OP I'd have had a ready made response to the question 'can I bring a +1?'
Which would be that 'I'm sure you know that we have a finite guest list but at this stage, we are just asking you to save the date'.

Pollycat

Gavin83 wrote: »

I might have missed something but I really fail to see why cash is graspy but presents are not. Cash seems better for everyone involved to be honest. The guests don't have to worry about finding the 'ideal' present and the couple don't receive a load of tat they don't need.

I think in the past when couples didn't live together before marriage presents made more sense. These days not so much.

My post was a light-hearted response to this post:

onwards&upwards wrote: »

Get classier friends! :rotfl:

I regret that you didn't 'get' it.

NeilCr

Pollycat wrote: »

I think I extrapolated that from post #32 which used the term 'awkward and alone'.
Sorry.

You're right.
I have said 'random' several times relating to the friend.

I guess I based that on the fact the friend feels it OK to ask for a +1 to be invited to a limited number guest list.

It's something I would never have done. I would have respected the arrangements made and either gone alone or declined politely, even if it was 'I'm really sorry, I'd love to come but I wouldn't feel comfortable on my own' (which the OP understands anyway).


You're right (again) that we don't know how the conversation went but the friend has said she's not sure she wants to attend if she has to pay.

As an invited guest of 50 people, I'd be surprised if the friend wasn't aware that the invitation was for her specifically so I don't agree that she 'was checking it out'.


I agree with this.
If I were the OP I'd have had a ready made response to the question 'can I bring a +1?'
Which would be that 'I'm sure you know that we have a finite guest list but at this stage, we are just asking you to save the date'.

Don't think I've ever been right so many times in one post

:T:T:T:beer::beer::rotfl::rotfl:

Given the tightness of the numbers it does seem more likely that this is a good friend.

In terms of asking about the partner. If I'd have got the save the date card I wouldn't have contacted the OP to say "can my partner come". I'd have just asked for clarification if she was included. I'd have thought that shouldn't be an issue between friends to be honest - sometimes, though, what someone says isn't necessarily what someone hears. Especially, if the communication is by text/email!

I think your suggested response in that situation is spot on.,

Pollycat

NeilCr wrote: »

Don't think I've ever been right so many times in one post

Maybe quit whilst you're ahead...;)

NeilCr wrote: »

Don't think I've ever been right so many times in one post

Given the tightness of the numbers it does seem more likely that this is a good friend.

In terms of asking about the partner. If I'd have got the save the date card I wouldn't have contacted the OP to say "can my partner come". I'd have just asked for clarification if she was included. I'd have thought that shouldn't be an issue between friends to be honest - sometimes, though, what someone says isn't necessarily what someone hears. Especially, if the communication is by text/email!

I'd say to be included in a guest list of 50 when there's probably family on both sides, she would probably be a pretty good friend.
Someone close enough to the bride to know about the arrangements.
Personally, I suspect she was just trying it on.
But that's just my take on it, based on having worked with a number of women who were getting married. It's pretty much a non-stop topic of conversation. And I can see it being at least the same with a friend close enough to be in the 50.
My much younger sister drove me bonkers with dresses, head-dresses, veils, shoes and seating plans.

unholyangel

What about a compromise....he can come to the evening reception for free?

Tbh thats the "norm" for weddings here - if you're close to the bride or groom you'll get a day invite. Even if you're married/in a long term relationship, your partner doesn't get a day invite unless they are also close to the bride or groom - but they will typically get an evening invite.

That is assuming the friend knows other people who will be at the wedding. If they don't know anyone else then I'd be inclined to give them a +1.

onwards&upwards

Pollycat wrote: »

The bride and groom have opted not to invite a +1 - that's the whole point of the thread.

One of the intended guests isn't happy about that.
To me, that is rude.
If the venue is charging £55 per head for any guests above the 50 included in the package, what would be your cheaper option?
A Greggs steak bake?
This wedding has been booked.
I can't see how there can be cheaper options than what the venue is charging which appears to be £55.00 per person for everyone not included in the 50 guest package.

As for charging for guests not on the list, it's the friend invited who has caused this potential issue.
To me, that's not polite or friendly.
I'm assuming that to be included in a guest list of only 50, she would be a good enough friend to understand that the bride & groom are on a budget.

You seem very upset that I don’t agree with you that it’s ok to charge someone to come to your wedding.

onwards&upwards

Gavin83 wrote: »

I might have missed something but I really fail to see why cash is graspy but presents are not. Cash seems better for everyone involved to be honest. The guests don't have to worry about finding the 'ideal' present and the couple don't receive a load of tat they don't need.

I think in the past when couples didn't live together before marriage presents made more sense. These days not so much.

It’s the asking that makes it graspy.

Pollycat

onwards&upwards wrote: »

You seem very upset that I don’t agree with you that it’s ok to charge someone to come to your wedding.

I'm not upset at all.
Really, I'm not.
I just happen to think that if you invite one person, that person shouldn't presume that a +1 - at a cost to the bride and groom - should be invited too.
Maybe you could explain why you do think it's OK.

And do you have a suggestion for the 'cheaper option'?

74jax

onwards&upwards wrote: »

You seem very upset that I don’t agree with you that it’s ok to charge someone to come to your wedding.

If it helps, I don't read it that way. I think pollycat is saying the bride and groom decided the numbers, decided the overall cost, decided their venue. Someone they invited asked them to change there wedding plans to suit THEM. Pollycat is saying 'I think' why on earth would a guest do that. And I agree.

Pollycat

unholyangel wrote: »

What about a compromise....he can come to the evening reception for free?

Tbh thats the "norm" for weddings here - if you're close to the bride or groom you'll get a day invite. Even if you're married/in a long term relationship, your partner doesn't get a day invite unless they are also close to the bride or groom - but they will typically get an evening invite.

That is assuming the friend knows other people who will be at the wedding. If they don't know anyone else then I'd be inclined to give them a +1.

But is there an evening reception?
A number of posts seem to suggest that that is no longer the case.
It would have been a good solution for the weddings I attended.
But now?
The fact is that the OP says her friend doesn't want to attend the wedding alone.