Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

Savvy_sewing

hb2 wrote: »

Ss, I'm glad that you were eventually able to rest, in the knowledge that the house was tidy and children being looked after. I hope you feel considerably better today - but please don't be tempted to do too much once you have a bit of energy. It will probably take a couple of weeks, at least, before you are back on full form (((hugs))).

The bath and hairwash and dressing is all the energy I have. I am tired and can probably nod off in my chair very soon.
I have topped up my water and can make tea again before I would have to go back down. I have those little milk portions in a tin beside my teasmade.
I might make one now I have thought about it.
Then I will read while I have that and take another nap.

pollyanna_26

geminilady wrote: »

pollyanna 26 Delurking to ask if you know will we able to keep the grfeen? I prefer it

Sorry I have no idea. I read all the posts over on Site Feedback and a number of posters asked the same question . I haven't checked over there today but when I last looked the question hadn't been answered. The only new format shown so far is on the sneaky peek link with no sign of green.
polly

Savvy_sewing

Must be greatful to GF as she organised and railed the troupes into action.
They changed my bed, moved the washing on, did a snack lunch and then made sure all I had to do was shuffle out to hand over the boys to Nanny for the next few hours.
Dgd is watching a film on the tv, I have had the other half of my poppity Ping meal and am ready for another nap.
My Mum has finally left the house on her own and walked to the shop near her house. One more hurdle sorted.
One less chore for me to do every few days.
DS has been talked to/talking with his GF and I have reminded him he shapes up now or he is out.
It is up to me to not accept anything less now.
On that note. Rest time.

pollyanna_26

As others have said give yourself time to recover and build up your strength before geiting back into the fray Ss. We went out for the first time in a week yesterday and were stuggling after an hour or so and totally wiped out by the time we got home. Whatever this thing is takes some getting over. It's a few weeks since we became ill and it's not a quick fix.


It must be a great relief your mum has left the house and gone to the shops. Not just so you don't need to go there when it's difficult but for her regaining the confidence to do it herself. Youngest dd lived with agrophobia for years'and it's a heartbreaking condition . Luckily after the counselling she has a lot of coping tools but still has wobbles. I have wondered if your mum would manage to step outdoors at some point. With the loss of her dear friend and the hospital admission she'd had sudden shocks. Well done to her feeling the fear and doing it anyway.


I have posts to catch up on. I'm glad gf has helped you but I don't think ds will change as a result. At the moment the relationship with her seems something he wants so his focus is on pleasing her. However he's let you and the children down badly when left to his own choices .



When you're well again remember the hurt and anger of your recent posts when you were in need of help and he didn't step up as per usual.


I'm loathe to use the help word from now on. It's more about acting like an adult in a family situation and doing the blindingly obvious. The only reason you've gone through a few hard and hellish years both when he was with the ex and since is because of him and noone else.


I've thought about your guilt feelings over needing to prioritise trying to find proper support for the twins who were very vulnerable and can honestly say it was not your fault. I don't think you've ever worked through those feelings and that's why you threaten but can't let him go when it comes to the crunch.


When you were both in the cottage he was seldom home. He put his needs first . I remember you buying him an XBox . I think it was for his 15th or 16th birthday. You wrapped it up and put it away only to find it missing when you went to get it. He'd taken it to his friends and was playing on it.


I know back then there was quite a backlash and there's been some who've posted since laying the blame at your door for how he behaves. It isn't true Ss, I agree with the recent post from Thorsoak and you need to work through those feelings and see the reality of the situation.


I must say the gf seems to live in the real world seeing what needs to be done and getting on with it. I just hope she doesn't regret getting involved with him in time to come. I don't believe he will be so compliant once the romantic haze has worn off.


Concentrate on getting well and when things are back on an even keel look back on this thread and really face the fact he's taking advantage of you and as Thorsoak said cut him loose. It's possibly the only chance it will change anything for either you or him.


Make sure you follow up your thoughts re cannabis. There's also the possibility it may be something stronger..With dgd and the lirtle ones in the picture you can't let that go.
pollyx

ETA It's just struck me gf seems very like you . Doing what needs doing etc. Heaven forbid he'll have both of you doing everything while he sleeps in the future...

Savvy_sewing

I have reiterated several of my grievances today. I told him infront of Dgd and his gf, neither of them are to play "shoots" games as dgs1 is using every stick, pencil and anything else to act shooting and I said I will ban the Xbox completely if they play them infront of the children
He text me just before the children were coming back from their visit asking to go stay at the gf's tonight and I said No. I am ill and he needs to be here. I was actually rather abrupt with him and said that he should have made sure he was here when they were brought home, and he needs to buck up.
He wasn't very happy with me, and I told him in no uncertain terms that he needs to be a man and sort himself out. I also told him he has wasted time when he could have been sorting out the garden stuff so he could work on his forge he has etc.
I think I went on a bit longerbut I was so exhausted I cannot remember it all.
Anyway he is here and he will have to buck up because I have to get this sorted out now.
I am able to think today, but unable to do anything much else.
He has no free passage anymore. It's get sorted or get out like I told him yesterday.
I will be looking to see what is out there accommodations wise and tackling exactly how he needs to help him self. I will point him in the direction once and for all.
I have three children to deal with.

I have managed to stay awake, but only sat reading today. I put the dinner in the oven but made DS get it out for Dgd and do his own when he got back.

thorsoak

Well done! Now keep it up - do not go soft on him again! You won't be doing him - or yourself - any favours if you do.

pollyanna_26

I have wondered if my post seemed too harsh but I hate to see someone treated badly whether they're ill or not. If you can carry through with the things you've discussed in your lstest post you'll be on the right track and hopefully be less worn down by the constant daily problems with him.


I said recently the children see him as a role model and you've identified the shoots game having an impact on dgs1. There are so many things you wouldn't want all 3 youngsters imitating when it comes to actions and choices and I'm very glad you've been clesr and forthright with him today.


Stay strong and if you weaken remember how ill and unsupported you've felt and stick to the things you've said today. It really sounds as though you've been pushed too far at a time you could have done without it.


I hope sheer exhaustion will let you sleep tonight. If the little ones wake up during the night leave him to get on with it not you.
Your priority is the children and your own wellbeing in order to care for them.
pollyx

Savvy_sewing

I didn't hear the little one until I heard DS in there with him around midnight I think it might have been.
I heard him at just before 6, went in and he was soaked, so I changed his clothes and nappy and put a towel on the bed and hoped he would go back to sleep. He was very quiet but dgs1 has just got up, opened the gate and was about to come into my room, I told him to go back to bed, but I just heard him jump on his Dad, which wasn't received very well.
I am listening to dgs2 singing, but I am waiting to see if DS comes up to check out if the gate is open still or not. Dgs1 has a habit of opening it and then dgs2 is free to roam. ( it's the GF who just came up not DS.).
I suggested that she could stay here when he wanted to go there last night ( as at least she is helpful!).
I am going to try and get a little time with a cup of tea and my journal as I haven't been well enough to do that this week.

hb2

Gf sounds very capable, I wonder how long she will put up with DS?!

Ss, if you don't stay firm now, you might as well give in and accept that nothing will ever change. This is your chance to get DS to start shaping up, don't let it go to waste.

Savvy_sewing

hb2 wrote: »

Gf sounds very capable, I wonder how long she will put up with DS?!

Ss, if you don't stay firm now, you might as well give in and accept that nothing will ever change. This is your chance to get DS to start shaping up, don't let it go to waste.

I have been chatting to the pair of them and although it has been like trying to get blood out of a stone, I think I have said my piece as eloquently as I could and I have managed to discuss ways forward.

I have come back to bed for a rest and DS and GF have taken the boys back to hers, as she needs to be collecting her children at lunchtime.

I will keep driving forward and be sure I don't let it slide again.
I was frank, and asked for points of views, opinions on a few things, and what plans they had in place.

We have a sketchy outline for some things, but a outline for others. DS is certainly a procrastinator ( lazy ). Let's see if the GF can get through. But one thing is he is not moving in with her. Which is actually a blessing as I don't know that she would be able to support him completely, ( I don't mean financially), but both are dealing with toxic ex's and are both emotionally unstable if you ask me.

Anyway enough for today.
I have been given peace and I intend to rest.