Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

thorsoak

Sounds like you might be finally getting through to him at last, SS - but one thing that strikes me is that you haven't said that it is definite that he is moving out of your home within the next month! To be looking into it is not enough - it will drag out and if you aren't careful, we could be re-hashing this at the end of the summer!

pollyanna_26

thorsoak wrote: »

Sounds like you might be finally getting through to him at last, SS - but one thing that strikes me is that you haven't said that it is definite that he is moving out of your home within the next month! To be looking into it is not enough - it will drag out and if you aren't careful, we could be re-hashing this at the end of the summer!

I agree with this. What happened to I will reclaim my home,I will reclaim my lounge Ss? It seems last night because you needed ds to be at home quite rightly, you allowed him to bring the gf with him.


You're sending out very mixed messages and moving the goalposts often. It's almost like bribing him to come home to look after his children when you should be just telling him to get home now.


Just because the gf is helpful doesn't mean you should have someone else overnight in an already over crowded house. You were the one changing a sopping wet child early todaynot his dad.


Better to focus on ds moving out. You've said yourself he wont be going to the gfs which is a relief. Two adults unable to support each other emotionally is a non starter when both have children. Ds has the debt to deal with and to my mind the last thing he should be doing is getting involved in a relarionship.


You have to concentrate on the happiness and welfare of dgd and the boys. Get them away from constant gadgets and games and taking their cues from adults who act like spoilt children when they can't have their own way..


Hope you contiue to recover. It's easy to think any port in a storm when you badly need support but you need to stay firm and focus on yourself and the children.
pollyx

NeilCr

I agree with the last two posts about mixed messages and your son, actually, leaving

However, I do think you have to be clear about your backup plan as and when he goes. How are you going to get the kids to school/nursery etc etc if you are ill as you have been recently. My partner had to resort to taxis recently when she was unwell and her son was not available to step in.

pollyanna_26

NeilCr wrote: »

I agree with the last two posts about mixed messages and your son, actually, leaving

However, I do think you have to be clear about your backup plan as and when he goes. How are you going to get the kids to school/nursery etc etc if you are ill as you have been recently. My partner had to resort to taxis recently when she was unwell and her son was not available to step in.

I don't like being the poster always pointing out various things but Neil is talking about the supposed back up plan and that is one thing you've talked of in the past Ss. As far as I can tell there isn't one and that has bothered me all along.


In that position you are giving ds a lot of leeway Ss as and when it suits the situation . Doing that is enabling him once more to manipulate you to suit his needs as he knows you have no suitasble back up in place. TBH all three children should be cared for by someone with full appropiate checks when you are ill.


DS is not that person there are reasons the children are under your guardianship. You can have no idea what happens when they visit the gfs house. DS behaves badly in your home so how can you be sure he isn't the same there? They seem to be exposed to games aimed at adults instead of age appropiate pastimes and maybe other things.


You've planned budgets, sewing and lots of other things but not the most important thing of all.


I do and have always wished you well over the years like many here but you need to focus on a plan and also let him go before too much damage is caused to the children and yourself.


Think of the quote " Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man" DGD was rescued very young but still carries damage from the past. You have the chance to take proper control on behalf of the little ones . DGS1 carries a lot inside from the time before he came to you as does DGS2 to a lesser extent. Like dgd they need a normal life not dramas , arguments or taking second place to a plastic box or whatever dad is passing his time doing.
pollyx

NeilCr

Pollyanna

I think it is important that someone does point out these issues The lack of planning worries me, too

My partner does have her son living with her and the granddaughter. However, her son has a full time job with long hours and, often, does overtime. So my partner is the prime carer and I have seen the problems that illness or something unexpected can create. It's not always possible for her son to take time off at short notice and they have to improvise a bit - and my partner does things when really she shouldn't

In addition, there are the ongoing "normal" events etc. For example my partner is going to attend the teacher/parent interview. She is an absolute star but I know just how wearing all this is. Which contributes to her being unwell and the circle starts again.

beanielou

Was there not something about DS having to move out by a certain date?

Savvy_sewing

beanielou wrote: »

Was there not something about DS having to move out by a certain date?

DS doesn't have to move out by a certain date. It was not part of the final plan.
I have backup if I had chosen to call it but DS and GF have actually stepped up since Thursday I think it was. Reality took time to sink in.
Words have been followed by actions.
I don't expect an overnight miracle but I no longer fear upsetting him, and she is well aware of the issues that everyone has been dealing with.
I have my friends here, and I have enough professionals to turn to as well.

It is unfortunate that I was not given a flu jab sooner, I will make sure I get it next time.
Life is not ideal and I am the first to admit it, but I don't think it is all doom and gloom.
A lot of things needed to be said and I actually managed to say them.
We will move forward one way and another, and when the old tenancy is finally dissolved etc then DS can start to build the deposits for a place, I will be researching so when the right place is available we will be able to move on.


The courts were happy to have Das stay here, and although the other family thought it unfair the judge pointed out that he has been here for 10 months and the social has no concerns about the children's care and it was obvious that I am the main carer.
We will have ups and downs, everyone does, but as I gain my strength, as the second week of nursery kicks in and I can finally plan our days, things should settle.
You talk as if DS is manipulative etc, I don't think he is, I think he has a lot of issues the twins had and it wasn't picked up by me, or anybody else but I am not making excuses for him, he is a lazy, idiotic person and he infuriates me with his lack of thought, but it is not intentional.
I understand that I have allowed it for too long. But I have always done the best I could with the situation I found us in.
I am stronger ( apart from this flu), and I have learned a lot about myself etc this last year. My thoughts are all over the place. My feelings ebb and flow, but I don't have a partner around supporting me, I write here as I think. It is not edited, ( well sometimes I read it later on in the day and edit a spelling mistake, but it is written how I think and post button is hit.
That is it.
I have valued the responses, the virtual friends, those who obviously care about me, and I am greatful to you all.
I will be fine once my strength is back, and the things I have learned this year will be moving me and my unusual family forward.
I will have everything settled soon. The routine etc and now the unsurrity is over we will get on with the new facade with hope, Joy and rules!!

annandale

He’s highly manipulative. Childish. Lazy. Knows how to push every button you have. Those kids would be better off with him living elsewhere. He’s playing shooting games and the kids are copying him.

They’ve been through enough disturbances. He’s not a positive influence in their lives. He acts like they are an inconvenience. The longer he stays with you he’s going to drag you and the kids down.

He’s bucked his ideas up since Thursday? You’ll be back to square one in a few days. People in similar situations have tried to give you really decent advice.

It was exactly the same when people were telling you to close the purse strings and you couldn’t.

He’s 27. Do you want him living with you when he’s 40?

Do you honestly think he would hold a tenancy down if he got one?

Please. Stop clearing up his disasters and for the sake of those children ask him to go. Soon.

pollyanna_26

I don't understand why you chose not to use the backup plan. Not doing so led to upset and arguments,you being left without food and drink and poor dgd trying to feed the little ones and herself with noodles.


The children would have been cared for properly and you could have concentrated on getting better.


Ds may have stepped up since Thursday but that's too little too late and likely to be very short lived. At times it seems as though for all the planning, drama and chaos seem to be a norm. It really doesn't make sense not to have called in the backup. It's as though you need to keep control even when you can't..
polly

Savvy_sewing

To be honest I didn't realise that I was going to be so ill, and for so long
I consider myself well and truly told off.
DS is going when it is possible.
If he slips backwards then he will be out.
I have made mistakes, but non were intentional to cause issues.

I never said I was perfect.
In fact by reading the comments I feel absolutely terrible and useless.
Thanks