Embracing the new family dynamics and looking forward to the future with optimism

thorsoak

You are not terrible and useless, SS - many a woman, faced with what you have experienced would have walked away a long, long time ago.

However you are guilty of allowing yourself to be manipulated by your children - your son in particular (he is playing you like a violin!) - but so do many of us. What really matters now is the next generation - your son is a lazy, self-interested, self-indulging pillock (sorry to be so blunt - one of mine isn't far off this description either but I still love him because he is my son, but I won't support him) and he will be a really bad influence on both his children and DGD who had made such progress since she came into your custody. Just look at how her mental health has deteriorated since he came to live.

But these are your children,your life and you must make your own decisions - please make sure that you put them first. I'm not going to make any more comments or suggestions on how you live your life - I shall think of you, often, but instead of making any more comments I shall sit on my hands.

You are your own worst enemy, my dear - please try to love yourself first xx

badmemory

Savvy_sewing wrote: »

In fact by reading the comments I feel absolutely terrible and useless.
Thanks

Well you are definitely NOT. I certainly wouldn't be suggesting moving DS out of the house if it wasn't for the grandchildren who do live with you. You go through a third of your life with your children as your priority. For most of us that is that, but your priorities have had to change & that is very far from easy.


My DS is almost 40 & has some mental health issues, still lives with me. Could I ask him to leave? Not a cat in hell's chance, but then there are no grandchildren & he is my only one. I do have a vague notion of how torn you must be, but you know that you are basically the only grown up in the room & you know that you need to do the best you can for those young ones who need it so much.


So fighting chin up & give yourself chance to get better!

pollyanna_26

You're a human being Ss noone expects you to be perfect we all make mistakes. Sometimes it's much easier to assess a situation from a distance while you're having to face them on the frontline.


At times you let your heart rule your head rather than do certain things which doesn't make sense. I don't doubt you mean well but at times it's necessary to take the blinkers off and really see what's going on.


Get well soon
pollyx

badmemory

thorsoak wrote: »

he will be a really bad influence on both his children and DGD who had made such progress since she came into your custody. Just look at how her mental health has deteriorated since he came to live.

& this is what has been worrying me too

KatrinaWaves

As soon as the criticism gets a little close to the bone the whole 'I feel so useless' comes out on here so people soften off, or say how marvellous you are doing.. Thats not fair on the people here who support you through thick and thin but have genuine concerns over the well being of the children in your care.

You are prioritising your sons wants for freedom, xbox and god knows what else over the mental health of the children in your care. Your poor granddaughter is barely at school. Him being there is not in their best interests, I dont think its in your best interests either. Its only in his best interests.

You should not be putting him first. You should be putting the children first, and then yourself. Not him. yet its only him...

Savvy_sewing

I am not asking for pity.
Or anything else.

Actually, no I am not, I don't like the criticism that is true, but I also know that it comes with a good heart behind it all, and I know that I am guilty of being soft, and probably therefore manipulated as you say. It is not easy reading, and it is not easy to change your (my) personality either.
Much as I wish I could.

I am trying.
That's why I study so much about psychology and the rest, why I meditate and use hypnosis to improve.
I am trying.
DS is never going to be perfect that is for sure.

I will continue to move forward and do my best to protect the children.
The Xbox is banned while children are awake.
I will not be going back on that, and I will not allow him to go on it until the jobs are done.

I will not give excuses for why this or that happens.
I can't change yesterday.
I can only change today.

beanielou

Good idea on Xbox.
None of us are perfect.
We are human beings.
Your DS and mine are the same age & your DS reminds me of mine years ago. I used to have to spell out what I wanted him to do & if I dident then he couldn’t do it. Hope that makes sense.

dreaming

beanielou wrote: »

Good idea on Xbox.
None of us are perfect.
We are human beings.
Your DS and mine are the same age & your DS reminds me of mine years ago. I used to have to spell out what I wanted him to do & if I dident then he couldn’t do it. Hope that makes sense.

My eldest was the same and I put it down to them being lazy, selfish - all sorts of things, including me not being a good enough mother when they were growing up. Since they were diagnosed at 38yrs old with ASD, and talking to a psychologist I now understand that the way their brain works is very different to mine. For example asking them to "clear the table" means they will do that - "clearing" it by putting everything on the worktop and not in the dishwasher.

I had my eldest move back in with me when they were 34 after a nasty breakdown of their relationship. I can see now that the then partner was frustrated with the lack of help given by eldest (again by expecting them to see what needed doing in the house etc.), and eldest had turned to drugs/drink to "switch off" from the pressure. There were times in the 4 years they spent living with me that I wanted to walk away completely, or just throw them out, but it isn't easy when despite everything you still love them. Now I can see that some of that feeling (of having to be the one to help) was as much to do with my own self-criticism and feeling that I wasn't good enough, so I did pay for counselling to help me gain perspective. I actually had eldest move back in again (with disabled partner) when they were made homeless but to be honest it nearly destroyed me and I have said "never again". I'm not sure though that I could refuse to help eldest out if they were in such dire straits again even though I also know that it would not be good for either of us. It's easy to stand outside the situation and make judgements. I can look back myself at the situation I was in and think I must have been crazy - but as I said, when you are int thick of it and there doesn't seem to be anyone else stepping up (eldest's dad was noticeable by his absence) it's a different matter.

Savvy sewing - you are not terrible or useless. Just like the rest of us you are doing the best you can. Yes you make mistakes (again just like the rest of us) but as much as I, or anyone else, can see the situation from the outside-in and offer suggestions, I know that you have to find your own way through this.

badmemory

Anybody noticed someone fairly new on here who seems to like posting (well I was going to say vitriol) but I guess I will just say with a lack of understanding!


Aimed a couple of posts further back in case anyone misunderstands.

pollyanna_26

badmemory wrote: »

Anybody noticed someone fairly new on here who seems to like posting (well I was going to say vitriol) but I guess I will just say with a lack of understanding!


Aimed a couple of posts further back in case anyone misunderstands.

I haven't perhaps the posts have been taken down. I've noticed a post from last night from someone Ss used to have blocked but they haven't said anything someone else hasn't one way or another. They aren't a frequent poster and have in the past needed picking up on the tone of some posts but seem to be within the forum rules with that post.
polly


ETA If you literally mean a couple of posts back that post is by our lovely beanie who wouldn't hurt anyone.
I think a post must have been taken down.